Thanks for the advice. I think I see how I'm going to handle the MC situation now.
You are certainly on to something here. About 5 years ago, there was a traumatic event (nothing marital wise or anything) that happened to me and wife was really really there for me. I don't want to talk about the event specifically but it happened at a terrible time as we had just built and moved into our dream home, new subdivision, new friends, etc. Along with this traumatic event, I also lost my job where I made a substantial amount of money, lost my benefits, etc. There was concern on whether we were going to be able to keep our lifestyle/house.
We had been together for 10 years, loved and cared for each other deeply, and decided to marry. There were also many good reasons to do so like benefits, etc. We both did want it.
Now since the WAW stuff has come out, she has said things like our marriage to her was just a continuation of our existing long relationship whereas for me I saw it as better or worse until the end. She wanted to be married and loved me very much but said a lot of factors went into the decision which is true to a degree. I also think she thought this way until she didn't and possibly saying it now as a justification for being a WAW.
After the job loss, I buckled down, found a new job almost immediately, and "kept the lights" on so to speak and have all this time.
So the healing process from this traumatic event did take some time and I had periods where I personally went into a dark place and isolated. Coupled with that, COVID also happened and that caused a ton of turmoil for us as it did for many people. I had already started working from home 100% even before COVID at this new job. Once COVID hit, Wife and Daughter were also home 100% of the time which was stressful. Daughter was trying to do remote learning while we're working, it was real mess. Not to mention all of the other concern, uncertainty, etc. that came with the virus that we didn't even know.
So between all that, there were definitely times healing/depression kept us in a state of more like roomates and not a great or active sex life. The ironic part is that this year before the blow up I felt like we (or at least I) had really started getting our sense of normalcy back with great trips, etc.. But perhaps there had been more damage in those previous years then I thought.
Even a few weeks after the "blow up", we already had this neighborhood weekend couple trip scheduled so we went. I thought the weekend trip went amazing. We actually had sex both nights in the hotel (the other guys I was with didn't even do that). Later when discussions about our relationship got worse after the trip (reflections from the blow up), I mentioned this trip and how I thought we connected really well and she said, ".....yeah, I mean we had sex..". But she still felt like even on that trip we weren't as affectionately connected as she thought we should have been with hand holding, kissing each other goodnight when guys would stay out later for drinks, etc.
I'm still very confident there is not OM. However, not divulging too much here because it's personal, but there is more time she is spending being affectionate "with herself" using new methods if you know what I'm saying. Much more so than before. That is certainly not an affair but probably not relationship healthy. I see that as a very lonely act and obviously we are not in a good state right now so I do to a degree get why it's not me in that place.
DnJ:
Seeing your thoughts on this definitely made me see that me attending the Thanksgiving activities at her families house as the right thing to do. As I dissected what you said, I came to realize that spending time with her family in the past has been a point of contention in our relationship. I have not always went on trips to see her family (2-3 hours away from us), etc. and I know that has hurt her in the past. I would stay at home or work that weekend, etc.
I don't think I'm necessarily unique in not wanting to always spend time with the mother-in-law, her sister and her kids, etc. But I think moving forward as the new me, focusing on me, and detaching like I've committed to, may start to make her really think.
MikeP:
I hear you, I spent the past two months doing exactly what I shouldn't have with too many texts/questions, pouring my heart out to reconsider, trying to show photos of amazing times/trips and birth of our daughter, surprising with gifts, writing heartfelt cards, etc. and NONE of it worked. I think it certainly conflicted her at times and made her feel like she was being selfish (which she has admitted multiple times) but since the decision was made in her mind, there was still no undoing it. By this point, she thinks she has a right to feel what she feels and to be selfish.
