MC doesn’t do much when one of the people has one foot out the door. It’s often a tactic used so the person leaving can say they tried everything.
Let W make arrangements for a session, if she wishes to go. Having to do the organizing and planning has her put in the effort and she could be less likely to just “be there”. It kind of flips the script a bit.
Originally Posted by br4nd0n
Another question: There is a little bit of an internal struggle with this on doing what is right for my daughters sake as well, with holidays, group neighbor family gatherings, family couple outings, etc. For example, Wife says she is "done" but we were supposed to go to her families house for Thanksgiving activities this weekend. It's a bit awkward in general now of course, but me attending makes both parents present for the young one. Or again, if I'm really "moving on" with my life, because at her request she is "done" with the relationship do I say something like, you know I ended up making other plans this weekend with some old friends (which isn't really a lie and could be the case).
I want you to consider something. You aren’t moving on, you are moving forward.
Moving on, is away from something. It has a more finality to it. Moving forward is not being stuck. You go forth, on your yet to be written future path.
That perception and direction paints how you approach things. And will shine through your small mannerisms and those other almost imperceptible actions. Moving on is different than living forward and definitely comes across that way.
It’s the same for the pending MC session. Moving forward vs moving on.
Anyhow, for the above thanksgivings plans. Focusing on you is a method to limit those pleading and needy behaviours that are not helpful. It crafts and reinforces detachment.
Focus on you, does not exclude daughter or family or friends, or even W. It’s not ignoring. It is you living you! And that includes going to thanksgiving. It’s how, and very likely why, you attend that will change.
W needs to feel what she is throwing away. Needs to experience losing you. Time and space is more emotional than physical. Yes, there is a physical distance component, yet the actual affect is less tangible and lives within her.
Doing or seeing family stuff is an excellent way to illustrate what she is giving up. For example:
You - Hey W, daughter and I are going out to get a Christmas tree. Want to come along?
W - No. Christmas is dumb. (moping around and brooding)
You - Oh, I’m sorry you feel that way. See you in a couple hours.
Then you and daughter go. And have a great time.
Do those family things. Offer to include W, and let her choose. If she comes along, great. If she doesn’t, great. Either way, you are doing great.
Focusing on you. You are part of your daughter’s life. She wants thanksgiving , Christmas, birthdays, friends over. There will be boyfriends, driving lessons, etc. Focusing on you, definitely includes her and being a great dad. Move forward, not on.
Folks do consider “for our daughter’s sake”. Thing is, it truly is for your sake too. Doing best by your daughter will serve you.
New and improved you would unlikely make other plans while his family is attending a thanksgiving function. The hanging out with friends is a fall back to the old you.
Originally Posted by br4nd0n
I was 23 when we had our daughter and I know I didn't always make the most mature decisions like prioritizing my family instead of hanging out with friends, going to the gym, or even working long hours.
Time to be better and make those changes permanent. That is what focusing on you and moving forward is really about.
Have a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
