Let's say some of the resentment started on year 2 or 3 of our relationship and continued to present, we're talking like 12+ years.
The resentments at the start of a relationship, like year 2 and 3, are usually quickly forgiven or perhaps more aptly quickly glossed over. Later into a marriage/relationship, let’s say 12-18 months ago, those things are not so easily overlooked. Pressures of life have built, we are older and have changed, career pressures, kids, etc, and if a couple has not a good open communication established - the no news is good news idea - then resentment builds more and more. It’s that time frame I am referring to, the recent past; not the entire relationship.
W will bring up stuff from the entire relationship to blame you and justify her decision. Shifting her viewpoint takes time. It took time to shift it to what it currently is, it takes time and consistent demonstrated behaviour on your part to influence her to perhaps shift it again.
You make it through this by focusing on you, doing your inner work, and becoming a man only a fool would leave.
Originally Posted by br4nd0n
I can certainly start concentrating on me but the forgetting about her part is where I'm struggling to see the strategy. If I just zero her out once she has said she is "done" with the relationship, doesn't that just put the nail in the coffin? I guess since my ultimate goal/desire is to get her back, I hoped that perhaps if she says she does want to continue counseling for example and I'm able to get her to participate on a 1-on-1 date with just the two us at night and ideally our child away for the night that the sparks could fly again. My thinking is trying to get her to see me like she definitely has at points in our relationship. Then again, no questions about how things went, no texting, not seeking validation, no anything.
You don’t quite forget about her. You are living together. You are still speaking to each other.
The point is to respect what she says. She says she is done with the relationship. Respect that. Listen to her. And no pressure.
Now, she is “done” when she said that. At a different time, she is not so “done”. Feelings are fleeting when not reinforced. Pressure and R talks reinforces her feelings. Let go of her and go about your day. Be kind and cordial and polite. Do you for you.
W needs time and space to relax her feelings and let the other ones surface. She has lots to process and reconcile.
As for putting the nail in the coffin. I get how it feels that way. A lot of this stuff is counterintuitive at first. It will feel wrong to you.
You are looking to fix this. You can’t. There are no magic words or easy fix. Pressuring her puts more nails in. She’s already hammered some nails in, you are wanting her to take those nails out. You can’t force that. She has to come to it on her own and on her own time.
Stay strong. You’ll get through this.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
