You said, "Realize she took a lot of time to get to the point of airing everything back in September. It will likely take a similar, if not longer amount of time, for her to believe your changes."
This is a good point but realistically speaking there is just no way any couple can stay in this limbo state that long, and still be together right? Let's say some of the resentment started on year 2 or 3 of our relationship and continued to present, we're talking like 12+ years. There is no other way she can get past it then time?
She has admitted that it wasn't right for her to suppress all of these feelings and push me away but that is what happened. She knows that how we got here is not all my fault. I guess a part of me really hoped she could take some personal responsibility for the problems that have occurred from her end too and that would kind of open her heart to getting over some of the things she has resentment about on my end.
Kind18:
Thank you as well for the insight.
1. Similar to what I asked DnJ, are we really talking about this possibly taking 10+ years for her to resolve this resentment? How does anyone make it through that amount of time?
2. Your point on trying to nice her back is really well taken. I guess my thinking was trying to show that I was taking initiative like doing the dishes, cleaning the kitchen, etc. which I know is something she has been annoyed with in the past. Doing this without being asked and without seeking any kind of validation, etc. I was going to try to couple this with an almost no pressure, no pestering, no questions, type of approach. Are you suggesting to not do this kind of thing?
3. I can certainly start concentrating on me but the forgetting about her part is where I'm struggling to see the strategy. If I just zero her out once she has said she is "done" with the relationship, doesn't that just put the nail in the coffin? I guess since my ultimate goal/desire is to get her back, I hoped that perhaps if she says she does want to continue counseling for example and I'm able to get her to participate on a 1-on-1 date with just the two us at night and ideally our child away for the night that the sparks could fly again. My thinking is trying to get her to see me like she definitely has at points in our relationship. Then again, no questions about how things went, no texting, not seeking validation, no anything.
4. I agree. It's not that I'm pushing back but it's hard for me to process not trying to impress her and show her that I've changed. The truth is that when she unleashed all of this about her resentment, it might be hard to believe but something in me has really changed. In my head I'm thinking if I almost ignore her and focus only on myself, spending more time with friends, etc. isn't that making the problem worse and disconnecting even further?
If I'm understanding what you are suggesting, it's a complete you do you, I'll do me type of approach. I keep being the best father to our daughter and co-parent I can, but keep everything with the spouse kind of isolated? And like don't do the dishes, clean the kitchen, etc.?
5. Your point is well taken and I can't say 100% of course but I really don't think so. However, that is not to say that she hasn't been prepping for a possible better suitor if one were to come along. Or even fantasizing about what that could look like. Once this all came out at the end of September, I reflected back and realized that she really started focusing on her weight and strict dieting beginning of September. That said, she does that from time to time with resolutions, etc. She also started dressing better/more fashionable, probably also due to looking better. Again, not 100% certain she isn't but she would have to almost be a master at it with what I do and how I observe.
