There’s some incredible people here, who will walk this journey with you - and they speak from experience. Sometimes what they say is harsh, but it’s done with good intentions. LH19 will wake you up with 2x4s to the head and ask you hard questions. DNJ is the go to guy when you’re peaking and need someone to calm you down and see the big picture. BL42 has great advice for all situations and has seen it all.
1. Firstly - you can’t convince someone you’ve changed when you were a certain way for 15 years, and now you’ve spent a month or two being different. It takes a LONG, LONG time.
2. You are taking on far too much responsibility already. You’re trying to nice her back, which never, EVER works. It just makes them hate and resent you more, because you’re making their decision (that deep down, they’ve already made) harder. Don’t fall into the trap of being a doormat and a Mr nice guy. It won’t work.
3. You need to forget about her and concentrate on you. Make decision for YOU. Don’t try and impress her, don’t try and be the best husband ever. Start prioritising yourself - exercise, counselling, hobbies, friends.
4. This will seem like crazy advice - but the harder you try to impress and keep her, the less likely you’ll save your marriage. That’s a really hard thing to understand when you get here. But the full reality is that you are most likely to save your marriage by smiling when she says she can’t do it any more, wishing her the very best, and walking in the complete opposite direction. Very few, if any Newcomers have the conviction to do that. But it’s much more likely to end in reconciliation. Women can’t be with men they don’t respect.
5. You need to prepare yourself for the possibility that she’s having an affair. (I’m not giving you much good news, am I?) I came to these boards the same - “oh no, it’s not that, she goes to church every week and tells me she still loves me and there’s definitely no-one else.” Turns out there was. And many who come to the forum who are absolutely 100% sure there’s no-one else, find that nearly ALWAYS there is. Im not saying this to hurt you. But it’s a possibility you need to be prepared for. I see warning signs for it too - when they acknowledge your changes and say they’ve noticed you being much nicer, but simultaneously hang onto resentments from the past (and bring up minor things from 10+ years ago) - it’s a sure sign that they are with or want to be with someone else, and they’re trying to justify it in their own mind. At one point, mine said “you do too many chores/cleaning maintenance around the house for me and the kids and it makes me feel guilty, so I can’t be with you.” And “do you remember that time 15 years ago when we went for a walk and you didn’t hold my hand?” … That was her trying to find excuses to justify her affair.
The best thing you can do at this point is read all of Cadet’s welcome thread and links, stop trying to make her happy, organise some counselling for yourself only… and start exercising 60 mins every day.
