Brand new and wouldn't mind some guidance for a really rough time I'm going through.
Me (34) and my wife (36) have been together for 14 years and married in 2018. We have one daughter together (11 years old).
At the end of September, my wife unleashed all of these grievances she has deep resentment from that had never come to light before. I was completely blindsided because although I didn't think things were perfect, I didn't realize she had got to this point. Many of the things she was talking about happened a really long time ago that I barely even remembered. It is almost like she has been tucking away/numbing her feelings of a lot of these things I've done wrong in the relationship, possibly for quite a few years, and never told me pointedly for me to try to change it. She has said that she felt alone at many points of our relationship but I also know she knows I've been a really good provider for our family and we've had some really amazing times together.
Now that all of this came out, it's like it's now available for her to analyze/digest all of these feelings/emotions she has numbed.
My heart was just completely shattered. When the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with says they are possibly done with the relationship, it was a true wake up call that has really changed me.
In her mind, all the years of ups/downs just led her to be checked out and just mentally done in the relationship. She had almost accepted it as fine that we've been living two separate independent lives in our household without a connection almost like roommates. And while I agree things weren't perfect, I almost followed the "No news is good news" when we were clearly continuing to drift apart.
Since this "blow up" happened, for about 2 months I have been absolutely working my butt off to show her how much I love her, helping out more around the house, being a better father, husband, and just trying to be a better person in general. These two months have been really hard on my heart. I have been physically sick and had many sleepless nights.
She has acknowledged that she sees the change and really appreciates the changes. Even with this, and my repeated attempts at just pouring my heart out, she is still shutting me out. It's like we can't turn the valve back on that she shut off and made up her mind about for so long. She keeps saying she is "struggling" and knows she is shutting me out. She has also said that she admits she is being selfish but it's like doesn't matter because to her it's almost her time to stand up for her own emotions.
I haven't discounted some of the things that she probably has resentment for. I know I have made a lot of mistakes. I was 23 when we had our daughter and I know I didn't always make the most mature decisions like prioritizing my family instead of hanging out with friends, going to the gym, or even working long hours.
She feels like all the stuff I'm doing now (180 in her mind) makes her feel like she has to just forgive, get over and move on because I want to change and be better. She feels pressured and knows I'm trying to be there for her and showing her how much I love her but it's like not enough. She still keeps shutting me out.
The problem I see is that I'm all-in 100%+ with my effort on fixing things and she is at maybe 2-5% on a good day, still even struggling to be a willing participant at all.
I started reading a few of these threads and see that one of the big ways I have screwed up since she came out as a walkaway wife is not giving her space. In my defense, I'm a human being and being so blindsided made we want answers. Since she wouldn't communicate well in person, we resorted to texting a lot and I think it has pushed her even further way. When I wouldn't get responses it would frustrate me more and I think this led to her to keep saying that she felt pressure all the time for a perfect response. I think it just drained her emotionally.
We've seen a local counselor a few times but again I've still been making the mistake of not giving her space which I learned after reading some of these threads.
Last week, I scheduled a great family outing she agreed to go to at a local professional hockey game with no expense spared and we had a really great time. We also at least were each able to take off work and have a day date where we saw a movie and had a lunch out that was actually really comfortable and had good conversation. I again made the mistake of seeing how she was feeling about things after and that didn't go well.
Now she has told me she's done with the relationship. It's like she has completely convinced herself that getting over these issues is just too hard and therefore not possible. Like there is just too much to get over and the thought of doing so is just too daunting for her.
Maybe she is really done with the relationship but I think it's also possible that what she is "done" with is me smothering/suffocating her which I did out of stupidity.
I want/need to change up my strategy and what I was thinking about was to continue doing all of the good changes that I have been doing that she has clearly seen the difference. This whole thing in general has made me want to be a better father and husband so I want to keep doing that. I was also going to stop applying any pressure to her whatsoever, not seek validation, and let her do what she wants to do. If she wants to continue for us go to therapy, go, etc.
Any other suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
