I am on the side of not temp checking. Temp checking LBSs almost never can keep their expectations in check. So it is just better to avoid temp checks at all. We have a saying around here, "when a WAS wants to come back to the marriage, you will know it. When they don't you will be confused."
Boundaries are not about controlling her or her behavior. It is about controlling yourself. Anytime you have a boundary that tries to control her, then it isn't a proper boundary. For instance, telling her that a boundary is that her phone remain unlocked is NOT a boundary. That is you trying to control what you cannot.
Now, you may have a boundary that you will not tolerate her being on the phone with other men (text, voice, etc) around you. And your action if she does that is to leave! See the difference? Boundary crossed, Doug takes action. If she can cross a boundary and there is no action you can take (ie having a passcoded phone), then you are trying to control something you have no control over.
Now, if she ever comes back to the marriage and wants to recommit, then you can sit down and tell her what the requirements for that are. Full transparency, no unlocked phones or you know the passcode to it, you know about all of her personal accounts and what the passwords to those are, etc. If she refuses then you know that she is not really ready to recommit to the marriage. and you can act accordingly (continue DBing, file for D if your deadline for waiting is past, etc).
Most LBSs, and especially LBHs, struggle because they try to control things they have no control over.
Last edited by SteveLW; 11/23/2207:55 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
