She is the same person she always was, you just see her different now.
Such a subtle yet profound little nugget of a sentence. Take some time to think about this concept.
I have a hard time with this. She seems like a totally different person. Not just towards me, but her outlook on life and how she treats other people now. Probably she is very depressed and that is why. Sometimes I wonder who she is. She even looks different at times, or maybe I'm crazy.
No, you’re not crazy.
As mentioned a while ago, your W shows signs of an internal struggle. Depression is always present with such internal turmoil.
A mid life transition is a normal stage for everyone. We all reconcile getting old, the things will failed to accomplish, our regrets, and such. We then see our life’s work, the stuff we did accomplish, and all the benefit of a life well lived.
A person enters a crisis during this time if they have significant unresolved issues. They get bogged down and lost in the regret and getting old stage of the transition. Usually some childhood trauma from an authority figure. Something from long ago. Something completely unrealized by them.
This pain and trauma was buried when they were a child due to they did not have the emotional / mental capacity to face or process such an event. Unfortunately, things buried alive will haunt later.
At mid life, these past events come back with a vengeance. They will no longer be denied. Of course, the person experiencing such torment has no idea why. They literally do not know what and why they feel like they do. That is the start of a mid life crisis.
This decent lasts about 18-24 months, as they try to maintain their life. Eventually, things can no longer be bottled up and they explode. Bomb drop. Their spouse usually gets blamed, since this broken person cannot accept or understand what they are feeling. It must be the spouse’s fault. It has to be. (From the hurting crisis person’s perspective.) They truly cannot accept things; their broken psyche cannot take it. They absolutely must blame others, and are driven to some wild behaviour.
My W had a full blown, off the deep end, mid life crisis. She blew up everything. Once they reach bomb drop, they run. Hard and fast. Affairs are staggeringly commonplace for these lost souls. They equate sex with happiness.
They feel unhappy. All the time. Running takes their mind off it. Spending, drinking, illicit drugs, are some other common running behaviours. These are people desperate to find peace. And desperate people do desperate things. There are many accounts of people burning through a lifetime of savings searching for their illusive happiness. My W took up exercising and weight loss. She was by no means over weight, not at all. However, she still peeled off around 40-50 pounds and became crazy thin. Basically a skeleton. She’s 5’10” and 100-ish pounds. And sunshine, she absolutely needs sunshine. Like ten hours a day. A cloudy rain day, in her words feels like death.
They become completely different! Completely! 180 degree from the person you once knew. How they dress, treat others, see the world, their values, their family, they toss life long friends, find new friends (that understand them), and so on. They try anything and everything to dull their ceaseless torment.
My W looked different. Her face was grayish. Her eyes became shark-like, life-less. A crisis person’s mannerisms change. They even sound different. These are people dragged back to their moment(s) of long ago torment. A time and event that stunted their emotional growth, and one from which they now need to grow up from.
My W even displayed, remembered, spoke, like she was that old. They actually become that “age” again. One of her “ages” is from when her and I first started dating. During one of the kids visits, W brought up details of D’s 1977 Ford LTD 2 with zebra stripped seats, like it was yesterday. Because, for her it is/was. The kids saw their pod person Mom, reliving 30 years ago. I was not husband, I was boyfriend. She wasn’t married, she didn’t have kids, and so on. All while living with OM. The fragility of the mind is incredible.
When a person in crisis drops the bomb, those around them are usually quite unaware. Me and the kids spent weeks searching the internet looking to understand what the heck just happened to Mom. Brain tumour, stroke, infection, etc. To us she flipped a switch and became possessed by an alien. A loving wonderful mother of four, threw her kids away, burnt down her thriving childcare business, and ran off with the egg man.
A person in crisis, they are not the same person you always knew. Yet, the LBS sees them the same.
A crisis is rare. Unfortunately not that rare. Diagnosis really doesn’t change much for your path. The time lines become exceeding longer. And a crisis’ prognosis is much hazier.
One the hallmarks of a crisis is confusion. The MLCer will exhibit confusion. They have the memory of gnat at most times, and usually become terrible parents.
Like I said, your W is going through something. I hope and pray it’s a transition and she finds her way. A crisis is a horrible fate. A fate for which the seeds were planted long ago.
Either path requires time and space for her to process. Time and space she will take if not given.
From you initial post:
Originally Posted by MikeP
We have been married 25 years, together 33. We have 3 kids- D23, S17, & D13. They don't know about the other man. I feel as if I'm doing all the work, letting her off the hook for everything, and she won't help me get over it. She says she loves me and wants it to work. She hates conflict, hates talking about anything involving her emotions, and seems like a stranger at times.
Mike, I suspect her emotions are cranked to eleven, and she absolutely cannot handle anyone else’s feelings right now. It’s pretty common for one to hate talking about their feelings while being dragged about, for they really do not understand what’s happening.
Do not offer any diagnosis to her. She will rebel against it, and hate you for it. Keep pressure to zero. Your goal is to outlast this.
Nothing you do will matter, and everything you do will.
Be a man only a fool would leave.
D
A lot of what you say about your wife sounds too familiar. Memory of a gnat for sure. Her face looks different at times and her eyes look like she’s lost or nobody’s home. She tossed her two best friends and became close with a recently divorced friend from her gym. Won’t talk to her mom at all. She us easily confused now as well. Some if these things have started to fade, so I guess that’s positive. I never talk about depression to her. I learned that the hard way. Thanks again for your advice and relating your story. As bad as I thought I had it, sounds like you went through way worse.
