Well everyone. It’s finally come to a head. I asked the gf to leave. I can’t take it anymore. So much has happened I don’t even know where to start. This past weekend was a nightmare. I have noticed anytime my son come around she becomes nasty, miserable, depressed just a whole other person. 2 saturdays ago my son was a little sick. He has bad allergies and I think that’s what made him sick. Ex emailed me that he had a low grade fever and he threw up. She took him to the dr and he just had an upper respiratory infection. He went to school on Monday. But then left early because he had a head ache and stomach ache. Then went to school the rest of the week. I had my son this Friday. At dinner my son coughed. She started to ask him questions about how he was feeling. And he said fine felt good. Then she asked what did he feel last week. And he told her he threw up. I didn’t tell gf about his fever or throwing up. Because it was a week ago and he went to school the whole week. Well later on she was really mad I didn’t tell her about my sons condition. She knew about him going home early but not about Saturday. I didn’t feel like it was that important. Well she went on and on how could I let him come over, putting the baby at risk, which by the way he is 1.5 years old. She then tells me she doesn’t want my son now around the baby. And that she is considering going to her parents for the weekend with the baby. I said that is unnecessary. At least come back at night if you don’t feel comfortable for the sake of the baby. Well she didn’t wind up going to her parents for the weekend. But made things very difficult about keeping my son away from the baby. Especially when my son wants to play with him and I have to make up excuses why he can’t. And she was so desperate for me to admit that I was wrong for bringing my son this weekend. She argued with me most of the weekend about him being at the home. Finally I explained to my son why he really couldn’t play with the baby. He was ok with it but also a little upset. He said to me, but I’m not sick dad. Yet on Friday when I picked up my son, gf told me she went to the library and the baby was playing with different kids there. She was also upset that we didn’t clean the house. She wants me to do all the cleaning basically. She says ring the day she can’t clean anything because she is alone with the baby. I said you can put the baby in the play pen for 10-15 mi utes once and a while. She absolutely refuses to put him in there. Her reasoning is she doesn’t want him to be restricted. So she was mad that we didn’t do much cleaning while my son was there. She uses my son as an excuse all the time, try to convince me that he shouldn’t be here. I am getting sick of it. So after I dropped my son off on Sunday at 8pm. I came home and cleaned most of the kitchen and 2 bathrooms. She was not happy with that. In her words she wanted to house to have a deep cleaning before thanksgiving. If you are wondering about company on thanksgiving, it was going to be just her dad. So I did that cleaning sunday night, but it wasn’t enough. Yesterday when I was driving home from work, she asked me to forgo Tuesday and Wednesday with my son so we can clean the house. Just so you all know I have a very small home. Like 1000sq/ft. It doesn’t take 2 people 2 full days to clean especially since I already did both bathrooms and most of the kitchen. I told her I will not give up those 2 days with my son just because you want me to clean the house. Cleaning a house is not more important that my son. Sorry no way. She got really mad started to yell at me on the phone. That I put my son before her and the baby. Another argument because she doesn’t want my son here so we can clean. Got to run I will finish this later.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
I think it's pretty simple - you need to step back and really think about what you want, both in terms of relationships with your children as well as in terms of a romantic partnership. Forget about her and her shenanigans - really focus on what YOU want. Once you get that figured out, you can then compare it to your present reality. You'll then know the next steps you need to take.
I'd also consult a father's rights lawyer to see where you stand, just as a point of information. We can't make the best decision without all the information needed.
When's your next couples' therapy session? Can you get an emergency session? Can you speak with the counselor individually? If you want gf to get out, can you say that in a therapy session and then work out in that session the steps that she needs to take to leave, including a time line. Can you also set up something so there's minimal chance of either of you acting out - a neutral third party, or someone who will act as a witness that there's no abuse going on as she leaves?
Does any of this make sense to you?
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Basically you told her to leave which means she will be taking the baby. May have not been the wisest move. You should have just held to your boundaries, had you son over, quite cleaning everything, etc. and if she didn’t like it, she could leave.
basically Wolfman, what I'm reiterating is that we cannot control anyone else, we can only control ourselves. Things have always worked out better for me when I've taken the other person out of the equation and focused on myself - my thoughts, actions, wants and needs.
In other words - instead of REacting to someone else's behavior, putting the focus back on myself affords me an opportunity to be PROactive about what my next steps in life should be.
I hope this helps.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Her response was she will leave tomorrow morning. Today, she went to target. I am confused.
You can huff, and you can puff, but you can't blow her out of your house! I agree with Ginger that the simplest thing would've been enforcing your boundaries, and with Butterfly that if you've decided to give up on living together you should consider that you and your ex's are high-conflict, so choose a safe place like therapy or mediation to work out a timeline, along with temporary custody and support arrangements. I suspect the custody% you can handle would be mostly be determined by your job, and the support you owe (to help her live separately) is then a straight website calculation. Matching your custody schedule with the custody of your son may be a bone of contention, and it's worth asking your attorney about your rights. I don't know anyone with two sets of rotating kids to know what courts commonly agree to in such situations.
Wolf, I'm sorry you're here. I've said it in the past but fingers crossed THIS is the impetus you need to make positive changes in terms of how you interact with others. You could live separately AND be effective, cooperative co-parents.
Yeah - saying in the heat of the moment that she should leave is not productive. Cooling off, and sitting her down at a quiet time and saying "This just isn't working for either of us. I think we should live separately. Here's my idea of how that could work with childcare."
All that being said - I probably wouldn't be thrilled about a recently/still sick child coming to a house with a toddler in this time of rampant RSV hospitalizations. ON the other hand, she's a complete hypocrite if she's also taking the toddler to playgroups, as those are pretty germy too.
Also - are you prepared for the child support you would be paying? Speak to a lawyer ASAP and get your ducks in a row. Even better if you can afford to help her get into a new place. (Like first and last months rent?). It is best for your child if she can be financially stable.
