Living with WAW 3

[DW17]

Thanks guys for the input. IC was interesting. I did my basic 2 week recap, we talked about my thoughts on responding to the D papers and I told him I made the decision to stick it out and fight for my marriage. He commended me for the strength to do that, but also made it seem like I was an idiot for doing so. I told him that if it weren’t for D4, I am sure I would have ended things already, which opened up a bunch of other thoughts. I know people say that you shouldn’t stay with someone just because of your kids, but bringing D4 into my life was a choice that I made with the sole intention of providing her the best possible life. Splitting up this family in no way gives her the best possible life in my opinion. She saw a commercial about Disneyland, got excited and asked if she could go there. I was supposed to go back to CA for work this summer and take her there. There is no way I will be able to do that now, nor will I be able to travel for work anymore with split custody. I get to travel to Japan for work too and wanted to take W and D4 there one day. I won’t be able to volunteer for those trips either. It’s tough. It’s just another little thing that makes this whole situation so frustrating.

I am usually pretty diligent with my info on electronic devices. I had changed all of my passwords already. The issue was that I did not realize the email app was logged in on the computer since I never use it. I use the web browser for email. I removed the email account from the app, changed my password again, and set up a new email address. It’s obnoxious how linked things are. Hard to completely split things when everything is designed to be connected these days. We don’t have any other shared devices or linked accounts that I know of, so hopefully I’m in the clear. I try to do any “business” related things from work to avoid any accidents, but I guess I let one slip.

I decided I will be doing the Xmas tree stuff on Friday. Xmas is D18’s favorite holiday and we’ve had this tradition every year since they were little. We cut down a tree the day after Thanksgiving, decorate it and listen to Xmas music in our Xmas pajamas. I would be doing this whether W was there or not and it’s something I intend to continue in the future even without her. The kids (D is coming over also) have a lot of fun and it’s one of the memories with them that I cherish more than most. I don’t view it as a keep the peace type of thing, I view it more like W is not going to ruin this tradition that I look forward to doing with my kids.

In addition to the pajamas, we also usually all dress in nice holiday inspired clothing and take pics at the tree farm. We usually send these out on our Xmas cards. W only bought them for the little kids and asked everyone else to pick stuff out from Amazon so she could get it. She got mad yesterday that nobody picked anything out or seemed to care. I didn’t get anything, D18 hasn’t picked a shirt and S19 doesn’t really care. The pajamas are already purchased, so I’ll wear the little b*tch costume for D4 and D6.

The Xmas outfit thing got me thinking about Thanksgiving. As I’ve said, W is pretty upset that I won’t be spending it with my kids. I don’t think she actually cares about that though. I think she is upset that she can’t project normalcy if I’m not there. Yesterday she asked what I am bringing to my family’s house. I was asked to make a lemon meringue pie, which is W’s favorite. It was a little satisfying seeing her irritation that I’m bringing her favorite dessert to a different house. I will try and avoid having the holidays be “business as usual”, but a couple of things (getting the tree, the pajamas on Xmas morning) I don’t want to change this year for the kids. I imagine all other holiday things we usually do will be different. I’m trying to think of a new tradition I can do with the kids also. There’s a drive through holiday light show that we might go to and get pizza after. There's also a zoo that we've gone to a few times that has lights everywhere. That was a tradition when I was young that fizzled out as I got older. I'll keep thinking on it.

No need to tell her again that you don’t want to D

Fewer words. You don't need to tell her all that

One last thing DW. Please under no circumstances tell her again you don't want a divorce. She knows it. Believe me she knows it and is using it against you.

You guys are right. I haven’t said it other than my email response a few weeks ago, and I won’t mention it again. Thanks.

So odd how they live in two worlds

This is one of the strangest parts of all of this. My sister said when she decided she was getting D, it was over immediately. Wanted nothing to do with him, didn’t want to see him, talk to him, nothing. Other people have told me the same thing. I don’t know if it’s specific to WW’s, but it’s like she is trying to avoid any accountability that she’s ruining her family by pretending certain things are normal even though everyone can see that nothing is normal.

Wasn’t planning on writing this much, but one last thing. W posted some pictures from Saturday at the casino on Instagram that D18 showed me because several of her friends reached out asking if her mom was okay. (Some of D18’s friends follow W on there). She was flipping off the camera in one and dressed in a practically see through shirt in another and just generally looking like someone going through some sh!t. D18 was pretty much in tears from the embarrassment and asking why her mom was acting like a teenager. It was sad having to comfort her about this, but I just told her that she can’t control the image that W is projecting to the world, that she has every right to feel embarrassed by it, and that her mom will hopefully work her way through it eventually. I wish W understood the hurt she is causing.