Hopefully, in the light of a new day, you can see what happened logically. If you want a divorce on good terms, venting at her isn't the way to do it. If you want to reconcile, venting at her isn't the way to do it. Step off the autopilot path to a bitter divorce. It may have felt good in the moment to "let her have it", but this path will damage you in the long run.
Originally Posted by MikeP
Sitting in a gym full of people I know, we know, with another man. How could you humiliate me like that, etc.
Your wife's goal wasn't to humiliate you, for the little that's worth.
Take some perspective. How important are you to those people if nobody told you what was going on, if your wife wasn't too worried about any of them telling you what was going on? Sometimes we focus too much on the approval of random "others". I'm hosting a party on Christmas. It's the first time in my life I will have no family or partner on Christmas and I refuse to mope. Some who hear about it and on this forum will laugh. They are irrelevant. You know who matters? You, and your chosen family and friends. I'm sharing this because my admission might help you with that. (I do dabble in politics, so there are some exceptions in that realm, but it's amazing how quickly a scandal that is everything one season is completely forgotten about the next season.)
Originally Posted by Mike
I asked which of her friends were working out with her, she said neither of them were going. So I asked who she was going to work out with, one of the guys that are always there? She said maybe, why does it matter? Asked what I was accusing her of? Anyway, I told her I have a problem with her once again have relationships with guys at work that are of a personal nature and I have a problem with her working out with guys I don't know. I didn't get angry at first, I just tried to explain how I felt and why I thought it was wrong. She became defensive and angry so I responded with anger as well.
She doesn't know if she wants to keep trying or maybe separate. I'm against separating and told her as much but also acknowledged it's not my decision. Came home and she was very upset, crying saying she doesn't know how to move forward.
You control whether you create a hostile environment for her with controlling and angry behavior--driving her to want to be anywhere but nearby--or learn to manage your own emotions.
Originally Posted by Mike
I told her that I didn't want to talk anymore unless she had something left to say
You could stop talking, by stopping talking. This sounds like an attempt to persuade her to stop talking.
Originally Posted by Mike
I told her to just go and be happy, find whatever she's looking for. This went on for awhile with her telling me she doesn't want to leave, she just doesn't know what she wants.
Mike, this was not the worst possible outcome. If I were to propose your top priorities for today: (1) Get some rest, (2) Don't talk again until you're rested although listening and validating is great, (3) arrange to see a therapist this week to vent and learn emotional management. It sounds like going for exercise is helping but not enough for what you're going through.
