I know it seems awful not to have that backup - but honestly, he's not a reliable backup anyway, and it may be best for your child not to grow up with a father who is not interested in parenting and who could be such a bad influence.
My own 3 kids were raised in an intact home until the youngest was 17. I thought of my narcissistic ex as a good father - he took the kids camping, surfing etc., was reasonably involved. But as adults they have all told me about how his narcissism affected them. And their relationships with him as adults in their 30's are somewhat strained.
Put in place the help you need and don't count on him for anything (except make him pay his child support!). I hope you meet a wonderful man who might become the father figure your child deserves. My sister's ex-husband is referred to by my niece as her "sperm donor" because he was such a poor father. The man my sister remarried to is her "dad", the guy who went to all her games, supported her, taught her.
Thanks so much for the kind and thoughtful reply and for sharing your own history. That's really good to know that even with constant presence it can still be not the ideal situation. I'm glad you're there for your kids and they seem to have a really wonderful mom who serves as an amazing role model and parent.
I love this community because you all sound exactly like my friends and can give me such a nice outside view. My friend said the exact same thing, he's fairly unreliable and I shouldn't rely on him regardless. One of my friends and I joked he's kind of like a lemon of a car. You think it'll get you to work and then it konks out Right when you need it.
I think part of the problem now is just the thought spiral is beginning anew, the whole self-doubt and self blame and wondering how I could let this happen and blah blah blah. The exs best friend who I am actually friends with as well chatted with me for an hour yesterday. I called back after the ex dropped the bomb and the friend said he'd had no idea and was so disappointed and did tell me it was not all my fault from being at work so much which originally the ex told me was the problem. I know none of this matters, I need to focus on my son and myself but it's just 8,000 layers of craziness. Stupid roller coaster.
Sometimes I hope he'll wake up and realize how stupid he's being but for the most part I think he's just an insecure manchild who needs to feel important.
