Terrible weekend, all my fault. Lots of anger has been building up and unfortunately, I let some of it out Saturday. We were at d13's basketball game and at some point my wife was talking about the game her and d13 watched last winter before d was old enough to play high school ball, she's still in middle school. That was when she took d to the game and met the OM there. I of course was instantly pissed that she would bring that up, and she could tell by the look on my face. She kept asking what was wrong but there were people around so I just said nothing. Finally she asked when we were alone and I let her have it. Basically asking how she could possibly bring that up to me. Telling her it was maybe the most hurtful thing she had done and she did it multiple times, using d13 as a means to meet him. Sitting in a gym full of people I know, we know, with another man. How could you humiliate me like that, etc. We went home and I left for a couple of hours. Went on a long hike. She was understandably still upset when I got back. I apologized for blowing up but asked how she thought it would be ok to bring that up. We talked awhile and smoothed things over as best we could and actually went to lunch together before d's later game that night. Yesterday morning started out fine until she started getting ready for the gym. I asked which of her friends were working out with her, she said neither of them were going. Btw, it's a crossfit gym but she does bootcamp style work outs instead of crossfit. So I asked who she was going to work out with, one of the guys that are always there? She said maybe, why does it matter? Asked what I was accusing her of? She had also told me Friday she was talking to a truck driver at work about our son. He told her about a place he knew that was hiring. The OM was originally a truck driver at her work when they started the A, he's now in the warehouse where she is. Anyway, I told her I have a problem with her once again have relationships with guys at work that are of a personal nature and I have a problem with her working out with guys I don't know. They almost always partner up to do the work outs, it's not like they are just in the same building working out. The thought of her once again talking about our personal life to another guy at work is unacceptable. It's the exact scenario as before. Her having male friends that I don't know seems unacceptable at this point. These aren't friends she knew before me. I didn't get angry at first, I just tried to explain how I felt and why I thought it was wrong. She became defensive and angry so I responded with anger as well. I left again and went for a short hike with my son and our dog. She ended up not going to the gym but left for a couple of hours after s17 went to work. D13 was gone all day at my sisters house. I cleaned house like a madman trying to burn off my anger and nervous energy. We talked for a bit when she got home. She doesn't know if she wants to keep trying or maybe separate. I'm against separating and told her as much but also acknowledged it's not my decision. I went out for a couple of hours to watch basketball and have some dinner and drinks. Came home and she was very upset, crying saying she doesn't know how to move forward. I once again reiterated that I want to make things work and am not in favor of separating. I told her that I didn't want to talk anymore unless she had something left to say and that in my opinion we can't move forward until she figures out what she wants. Not done yet unfortunately. I went to bed while she watched tv. Woke up around midnight and she was still in the living room watching tv. I got up to get a drink. Sat down next to her and proceeded to have an emotional melt down. It just came over me like a wave and I couldn't stop. I told her that I was tired of hurting her and tired of seeing her so unhappy all the time. I told her to just go and be happy, find whatever she's looking for. This went on for awhile with her telling me she doesn't want to leave, she just doesn't know what she wants. I cried like a freaking baby and just kept telling her go and get away from me that I deserve to be alone and she deserves to be happy. I don't know where that came from, I've never really felt that way before but I just had this overwhelming feeling of being a pos and hating myself. Not my finest moment. I finally calmed down and she came to bed with me, around 3 am. Had to be up for work at 4:30, so that sucked. I don't know what happens next. I'll get back on track today, I hope I haven't screwed it up even worse.
