I realize she isn’t where I thought/hoped she was and I was being foolish and expecting too much.
Expectations are a tough thing to get under control. Years and years of her pervious behaviours has programmed you to expect a certain outcome given certain inputs. That is currently not the case.
Dial your expectations to zero. Unmet expectations lead to resentments. For you to outlast this you’ve got expect nothing and anything. It’s weird at first, I seem to remember.
For where she is on her journey / healing. People heal from the inside out. Much of a person’s internal progress happens with very little outward signs. Once they are further along, their behaviours, speech, mannerisms, etc, start to display their progress outward.
Consider her depression. Long before she showed her depression, she felt it. And she put on her happy face - like folks do. It will pass, I will figure this out, she likely thought. Yet, it persisted. Slowly those feelings accumulated until she showed her depression outwardly.
Healing and inner work is displayed in a similar fashion. What we see is a delay of what is going on inside for someone in depression, grief, loss, trauma, pain, etc.
Originally Posted by MikeP
I also think she is still unsure about us because of the om and that pisses me off.
Being unsure is a fair and valid viewpoint. How about for you? Are you unsure?
Your emotions regarding the OM are normal and even justified. However, those same emotions are inspiring uncertainty regarding any future. For you and her. More importantly you, IMHO.
Let go or be drag. Work through these emotions. Let go the anger and seek forgiving. You’ll be better for it. And you need to find that for any hope of a sustained relationship.
You find the peace within yourself, you will display it through your actions. That will inspire feelings of certainty within her. Words ain’t going to cut it.
Originally Posted by MikeP
Today has been easier to db than any other time so far.
Good job. As the days pass we get more and more healed. We see clearer and do better.
You’ve got the gift of time, use it well.
Everyone requires a certain amount of understanding before they can let go. You are asking good questions, and seeking wisdom. It’s the path to detachment and indifference. Give her to God, focus on you. W is on her timeline, not your’s. Keep moving forward and doing your inner work.
Take care.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I realize she isn’t where I thought/hoped she was and I was being foolish and expecting too much.
Expectations are a tough thing to get under control. Years and years of her pervious behaviours has programmed you to expect a certain outcome given certain inputs. That is currently not the case.
Dial your expectations to zero. Unmet expectations lead to resentments. For you to outlast this you’ve got expect nothing and anything. It’s weird at first, I seem to remember.
For where she is on her journey / healing. People heal from the inside out. Much of a person’s internal progress happens with very little outward signs. Once they are further along, their behaviours, speech, mannerisms, etc, start to display their progress outward.
Consider her depression. Long before she showed her depression, she felt it. And she put on her happy face - like folks do. It will pass, I will figure this out, she likely thought. Yet, it persisted. Slowly those feelings accumulated until she showed her depression outwardly.
Healing and inner work is displayed in a similar fashion. What we see is a delay of what is going on inside for someone in depression, grief, loss, trauma, pain, etc.
Originally Posted by MikeP
I also think she is still unsure about us because of the om and that pisses me off.
Being unsure is a fair and valid viewpoint. How about for you? Are you unsure?
Your emotions regarding the OM are normal and even justified. However, those same emotions are inspiring uncertainty regarding any future. For you and her. More importantly you, IMHO.
Let go or be drag. Work through these emotions. Let go the anger and seek forgiving. You’ll be better for it. And you need to find that for any hope of a sustained relationship.
You find the peace within yourself, you will display it through your actions. That will inspire feelings of certainty within her. Words ain’t going to cut it.
Originally Posted by MikeP
Today has been easier to db than any other time so far.
Good job. As the days pass we get more and more healed. We see clearer and do better.
You’ve got the gift of time, use it well.
Everyone requires a certain amount of understanding before they can let go. You are asking good questions, and seeking wisdom. It’s the path to detachment and indifference. Give her to God, focus on you. W is on her timeline, not your’s. Keep moving forward and doing your inner work.
Take care.
D
Unsure about our future? Sometimes I am because I am doing my best to forgive the betrayal, but I wonder if I'm fooling myself. My anger towards the OM doesn't help but I'm just not there yet. The piece of sh!t had the nerve to tell her he loved her in front of me, that is going to take a long time to let go of. Something I am still harboring anger about that I haven't mentioned is that she used my daughter as a means to meet him out. My daughter was at a park playing basketball with this guy while I'm home working on our house. Also met him at a basketball game and played it off as a coincidence to my daughter. I still struggle forgiving her for that, maybe more than sleeping with him. I may not have been a perfect husband, never thought I was, but have done my best to be as good a dad as I can be. My d13 and I are super close. I've coached her since she started softball and travel ball at 8. We're always on the road together, taking out of town trips for ball, etc. It felt like a worse betrayal using my girl to help her meet him out than actually meeting him out, if that makes sense.
