I completely agree that you should not be taking any action immediately on any one persons advise here. You gather as much information on the subject at hand, process it and then make a decision on how you will respond.
As for this:
Originally Posted by MikeP
“That’s not working for me” in regards to continuing on like we have been ?
This is intentionally vague words to her. She will then start running though all kinds of things trying to figure out what you mean. You have her thinking about you as your are walking away.
Originally Posted by MikeP
I told myself last night to stop with the R talks of she’ll never come around, I’m determined to stop the talks.
We all fall off the horse. Get back on, continue with the light talk, etc, but avoid the R talks at all costs. If they start, STFU and listen. Most guys suck at listening to women. They want you to understand how they emotionally felt. You can't take it personally. Listen with empathy. Keep all your needs to yourself. Have the mindset of "thanks for sharing, I know her better now."
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
I completely agree that you should not be taking any action immediately on any one persons advise here. You gather as much information on the subject at hand, process it and then make a decision on how you will respond.
As for this:
Originally Posted by MikeP
“That’s not working for me” in regards to continuing on like we have been ?
This is intentionally vague words to her. She will then start running though all kinds of things trying to figure out what you mean. You have her thinking about you as your are walking away.
Originally Posted by MikeP
I told myself last night to stop with the R talks of she’ll never come around, I’m determined to stop the talks.
We all fall off the horse. Get back on, continue with the light talk, etc, but avoid the R talks at all costs. If they start, STFU and listen. Most guys suck at listening to women. They want you to understand how they emotionally felt. You can't take it personally. Listen with empathy. Keep all your needs to yourself. Have the mindset of "thanks for sharing, I know her better now."
You don’t have to worry about me listening to her, she NEVER tells me anything. Ever. That’s a lot of the problem with our marriage pre affair. Didn’t nag or complain, basically nothing. Hasn’t changed now either.
Jesus. I was reading DW17’s thread and the talk getting lawyers, negotiating caused to start having anxiety/tearing up. God damn I’m a wimp.
Nope. We all have stuffed emotions that need to come out. Things will trigger them. You also have empathy.
There are safe ways to let out your repressed emotions. A good cry when/where it is safe is healthy. I always feel better after a good cry. Some do it in the shower or in their car in an empty parking lot. I have not done a "rage room" but my step daughter and I are planning on doing one. Sounds like a great way to let out some anger.
During this phase of your relations, learning to completely maintain your emotional responses when interacting with her is most likely best. Always calm.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Your whole life as you knew it has been ripped open....
You will grieve it ,and you will recover, then grieve it again, and recover again....
You are perfectly normal in that regard, actually if you didn't, then I would worry about you....
It's also a great catalyst for growth Mike....
When reading here...try not to get caught up in OPS...(Other People's Schidt). Too often I've seen people making a move that they don't have to make because they are acting on what they have read on another thread, and applying it on their own stuff...
Every sitch is the same, yet entirely different.....
Focus on today, and how far you've come, not down the road.
Try to remember to breathe! Keep the focus on you and your family.
Many of us come here to better understand what has happened to our spouses/partners and relationships. So many of the situations are the same and yet so different. Each person going through this is different. It's best not to try to compare your situation with others. Yes, odds are your spouse is acting out and wanting her freedom like yesterday.
We suggest that you get all of the facts because knowledge is power. It is better to prepare yourself even if you save your marriage in the long run. Try to remember this is not a sprint/walk in the park. You are going through the grieving process because of what has happened to your relationship. Allow those feelings to wash over you and let those feelings go. Find some outlets that will help alleviate some of that anxiety that you are feeling. This is your time to rediscover the person that you were before you were married.
No one is saying to file papers, but it does help if you have some knowledge of what you will need to do, if it should come to that.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Try to remember to breathe! Keep the focus on you and your family.
Many of us come here to better understand what has happened to our spouses/partners and relationships. So many of the situations are the same and yet so different. Each person going through this is different. It's best not to try to compare your situation with others. Yes, odds are your spouse is acting out and wanting her freedom like yesterday.
We suggest that you get all of the facts because knowledge is power. It is better to prepare yourself even if you save your marriage in the long run. Try to remember this is not a sprint/walk in the park. You are going through the grieving process because of what has happened to your relationship. Allow those feelings to wash over you and let those feelings go. Find some outlets that will help alleviate some of that anxiety that you are feeling. This is your time to rediscover the person that you were before you were married.
No one is saying to file papers, but it does help if you have some knowledge of what you will need to do, if it should come to that.
Been together since I was 17 and she was 15, I have no clue who i was before we met 🤷🏼♂️. I understand what you’re saying though.
To help you figure put who you were and are today, make a list of activities/hobbies that you were interested in then and now. Plan some day trips, join groups that you may be interested in. Plan activities with your kid(s). Do not sit around and wait on your wife. This is your time/journey to self discovery.
You might be surprised at who you become while on your journey.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
