I appreciate all of the input here. I have spent the better part of the past week thinking of what exactly I want to do right now. There are a lot of variables at play, but I did decide that I want to fight to save my marriage. I know that there are a lot of things I cannot control. My wife may decide next week that she's going to complete the paperwork and file for D. I am comfortable with that. I know some people get D and then get back together, but based on the chaos D will create for my household, I don't believe that is not an option in my situation. So basically it's all or nothing in my mind, and I'm not ready to throw it away just yet. I am in no rush and I do not think potential pros (moving on quicker, better deal in D, etc) are things that I value right now.
One of my biggest concerns with D is that it will be a financial disaster based on things I have mentioned before (We have no option to keep our house, the house/rent/interest costs are so high we will both be living in places comparable to our first apartment when we were 19, we have 5 pets, I will have to pay spousal support for around 5 years and child support for 14, before school childcare when I have D4, etc.) I have checked with the online support calculators and it will be rough making that work in my location. I know I would still be able to get through it one way or another if I had to, but it is still a huge factor.
It may sound like financial concerns are the only reason that I don't want to go through with a D. It is not. My W has been a crazy, unpredictable roller coaster ride the past several months. But I know that she was not and likely will not always be this way. A similar situation happened before and she was able to pull herself back to normalcy eventually. It was a much shorter turnaround time than this time, but her sh!tty friend group, her AP, her crazy behaviors vanished for over a decade before they came back again this year. And I do understand my role in causing those things to creep back in. I am not at fault for her infidelity, that's on her. And she absolutely had a part in us getting to this point. But I also now understand my role in preventing a poor relationship, which is something I have not understood for the entirety of our R. If by some miracle we are able to make things work, I am confident that I've learned enough to avoid going through this again. If not, at least I have some tools to move forward with someone else.
I've spoken about her childhood trauma a little bit, and the therapist she's been seeing the past few weeks has been focusing on that trauma. Sounds like they believe she has trauma from our relationship as well, but that's another conversation. W doesn't talk to me about any specifics, but I truly believe her trauma has at least equal weight with this situation as my failures as a husband. And I believe I owe it to my family to let the therapy portion play out a little longer. As I said, I am not in a rush. When I take a step back and think about her actions, they don't seem to line up with someone who wants to throw everything away right now. Maybe that's wishful thinking on my part, maybe she's conflicted, maybe she's waiting for a better opportunity, I don't know. She could have moved out months ago when we had money saved up and she didn't. I'm pretty sure she could have moved in with AP, especially when I told her to leave. She didn't. Is it to spare herself the shame/guilt of moving on right away and being the one to end everything? I don't know. Many of her behaviors seem typical for all WW's, so maybe that is standard, I don't know. What I do know is that I am willing to wait things out at this time. Maybe that changes in a month, maybe not. I'll just take it a day at a time and see how it plays out.
Originally Posted by Kind18
exactly what would be enough for you to say this can not be reconciled and my best future is without this person?
I will spend time thinking about this question. I truly care about the vows I made when we got married. If my W wants a D, she knows what she has to do. I will obviously not wait forever, but at the beginning I gave myself 1 year. Right now it hasn't even been 6 months. Right now I don't know if my best future is with or without my wife. I've read here that many times the WW does not come back the same person, so maybe that question cannot be answered at this time. But while I work through that decision, I will focus on the things I've learned here, keep reading books (including DR again), re-read my threads as well as others, get a better grasp of boundaries and validation, keep setting personal goals, spend as much time as I can with the kids, and GAL as much as possible. If that is still not enough, I know I'll feel much better knowing that I did what I could.
Again, thank you all for providing your perspectives and advice. Even when it's conflicting, it is very helpful. It's tough leaning on friends/family for these situations because of the potential ramifications. Having opinions from people who have been through similar situations as I'm going through that do not affect my relationships with friends/family is a gift that I truly appreciate.
