What to do?

[MikeP]

So Mikey P we are going on your word that she wants to work on the marriage. Sounds like her ACTIONS say otherwise.

Yep, that’s why I struggle with her lack of effort. Anytime we talk she says she wants to make it work yet she doesn’t “do” anything. I asked her earlier today if she would take some time and think about what she needs to see happen in order for us to make it through this. She said she would. I asked, did not tell her or even that I needed her to do it. She basically came home and is doing the bare minimum I guess. No counseling, wouldn’t read the two chapters in Healing from Infidelity that are for the betrayer, instead of blocking him from her phone she deleted his number, instead of blocking him on Fb she deleted her account. Hasn’t done anything I asked for except she came home. I feel at times like she is trying to wait me out until I lose my resolve and end things. Frustrating.

[LH19]

So I would just let her be for now. Make your life about you and the kids. She’ll catch up if she so chooses. WWs are awesome at treading water and doing the bare minimum until they make up their minds.

[Ready2Change]

...Anytime we talk... I asked her earlier today if she would... I asked, did not tell her or even that I needed her to do it. ... I asked for....

These type of statements sound NEEDY to me, and most likely her. I feel you still have a lot of work to do on yourself. Your behavior and the way you interact with her. At this point in the process, I believe you need to keep following DBing principles until you KNOW she is fully committed.

wouldn’t read the two chapters in DB that are for the betrayer,

Don't give her the DB or DR books. This is your playbook. If she ask you for book ideas, give her "his needs/her needs" or something similar.

Look here for "understanding affairs". It has been a long time since I read it, but I am sure you would benefit from reading:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094
After reading it, you can make a decision if you want to share it with her, but until she is asking for book recommendations, I would keep them to myself.



One important thing I learned was to focus on MY BEHAVIOR when I want changes in my partner. I change my behavior to be more attractive to women in general.

Don't be needy. Don't be boring. Don't be controlling. Be sexy.

[MikeP]

...Anytime we talk... I asked her earlier today if she would... I asked, did not tell her or even that I needed her to do it. ... I asked for....

These type of statements sound NEEDY to me, and most likely her. I feel you still have a lot of work to do on yourself. Your behavior and the way you interact with her. At this point in the process, I believe you need to keep following DBing principles until you KNOW she is fully committed.

wouldn’t read the two chapters in DB that are for the betrayer,

Don't give her the DB or DR books. This is your playbook. If she ask you for book ideas, give her "his needs/her needs" or something similar.

Look here for "understanding affairs". It has been a long time since I read it, but I am sure you would benefit from reading:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094
After reading it, you can make a decision if you want to share it with her, but until she is asking for book recommendations, I would keep them to myself.



One important thing I learned was to focus on MY BEHAVIOR when I want changes in my partner. I change my behavior to be more attractive to women in general.

Don't be needy. Don't be boring. Don't be controlling. Be sexy.

bill
I guess I was emphasizing that I only asked and wasn’t trying to be controlling. I get what you mean though. She actually just told me she doesn’t know what she needs and in fact still doesn’t know if she even wants to be here. I pointed out that saying that doesn’t jive with claiming to want to make it work. It ended with her saying she wants to continue on like we have been and see what happens. You are 100% correct, I have a lot of work to do still on me. I have to start from square one with DBing and keep posting here so you guys can keep me accountable and on the right track. Time to stop talking about it and be about it.

[Ready2Change]

. I get what you mean though.

That is the important part.

It ended with her saying she wants to continue on like we have been and see what happens.

I would have said "That's not working for me. I have something important to do." and walked away. Possibly taken a shower and went out and shot some pool. Or head out to the gym. Or go for a walk in the park.

Either she pursues you (likes follows you to the bathroom) or not. Either way, you are fine with her choice.

That is the thought process. Talking never works at this stage. End the convo first. Do not tell her what you are doing.

[MikeP]

. I get what you mean though.

That is the important part.

It ended with her saying she wants to continue on like we have been and see what happens.

I would have said "That's not working for me. I have something important to do." and walked away. Possibly taken a shower and went out and shot some pool. Or head out to the gym. Or go for a walk in the park.

Either she pursues you (likes follows you to the bathroom) or not. Either way, you are fine with her choice.

That is the thought process. Talking never works at this stage. End the convo first. Do not tell her what you are doing.

“That’s not working for me” in regards to continuing on like we have been ?

[LH19]

Hold on there Mikey P. Don’t go saying something like that until we talk this through.

[Mach1]

. I get what you mean though.

That is the important part.

It ended with her saying she wants to continue on like we have been and see what happens.

I would have said "That's not working for me. I have something important to do." and walked away. Possibly taken a shower and went out and shot some pool. Or head out to the gym. Or go for a walk in the park.

Either she pursues you (likes follows you to the bathroom) or not. Either way, you are fine with her choice.

That is the thought process. Talking never works at this stage. End the convo first. Do not tell her what you are doing.

“That’s not working for me” in regards to continuing on like we have been ?

How about you step back and just "be" for a while....

Let all of this pressure of it either working or pushing it to not work rest for a while....

You can grill the most perfect steak, yet to acquire the best result, you should let it rest....right ??

So maybe approach it that way for now....

Look Mike, this is either gonna work out or it isn't, and the Universe seldom allows us to have that information before we are ready for it...

Right now, every word, every conversation with you about this leads to you pressuring her. You may not feel like you are, however she feels that pressure from you just by seeing that sad puppy dog look on your face when things don't go the way that you would like them to...

Everything right now, she feels, is your fix for her problems....

She's never had the chance to figure anything out on her own because you have always been there to either tell her how to do it, or to fix it for her....

She needs to figure this schidt out on her own right now....


You say that you want to fully embrace DB for now....

So maybe start with ....

GAL....get your ass out of the house and start doing some things that you have always wanted to do

Act "as if"....Stop focusing on what is wrong with things right now....whatever happens, it's gonna be just fine, actually better than fine...

Cheeseless tunnels....stop trying to control what. who, why, where, and how....of everything, except you...

Stop trying to plan every word, touch, interaction with her...

Dive deep into the things that you don't like about yourself, and spend the time that you are giving her really thinking about and dealing with your issues...not hers.

And I can tell you, that whatever happens IF you do that, it will be okay....

[MikeP]

. I get what you mean though.

That is the important part.

It ended with her saying she wants to continue on like we have been and see what happens.

I would have said "That's not working for me. I have something important to do." and walked away. Possibly taken a shower and went out and shot some pool. Or head out to the gym. Or go for a walk in the park.

Either she pursues you (likes follows you to the bathroom) or not. Either way, you are fine with her choice.

That is the thought process. Talking never works at this stage. End the convo first. Do not tell her what you are doing.

“That’s not working for me” in regards to continuing on like we have been ?

How about you step back and just "be" for a while....

Let all of this pressure of it either working or pushing it to not work rest for a while....

You can grill the most perfect steak, yet to acquire the best result, you should let it rest....right ??

So maybe approach it that way for now....

Look Mike, this is either gonna work out or it isn't, and the Universe seldom allows us to have that information before we are ready for it...

Right now, every word, every conversation with you about this leads to you pressuring her. You may not feel like you are, however she feels that pressure from you just by seeing that sad puppy dog look on your face when things don't go the way that you would like them to...

Everything right now, she feels, is your fix for her problems....

She's never had the chance to figure anything out on her own because you have always been there to either tell her how to do it, or to fix it for her....

She needs to figure this schidt out on her own right now....


You say that you want to fully embrace DB for now....

So maybe start with ....

GAL....get your ass out of the house and start doing some things that you have always wanted to do

Act "as if"....Stop focusing on what is wrong with things right now....whatever happens, it's gonna be just fine, actually better than fine...

Cheeseless tunnels....stop trying to control what. who, why, where, and how....of everything, except you...

Stop trying to plan every word, touch, interaction with her...

Dive deep into the things that you don't like about yourself, and spend the time that you are giving her really thinking about and dealing with your issues...not hers.

And I can tell you, that whatever happens IF you do that, it will be okay....

Thanks for the advice, words of wisdom. I know these things yet keep screwing it up. I swear, 99% of the time I’m upbeat and don’t act sad etc. Her working with that ahole gets to me and eventually I screw up and say something. I told myself last night to stop with the R talks of she’ll never come around, I’m determined to stop the talks. I’ve started back to the gym and go running every night, damn cold though😁. I’m looking for somewhere close to give yoga a try, maybe it can my back situation. I honestly trying To GAL more than ever.

[Ready2Change]

I completely agree that you should not be taking any action immediately on any one persons advise here. You gather as much information on the subject at hand, process it and then make a decision on how you will respond.

As for this:

“That’s not working for me” in regards to continuing on like we have been ?

This is intentionally vague words to her. She will then start running though all kinds of things trying to figure out what you mean. You have her thinking about you as your are walking away.

I told myself last night to stop with the R talks of she’ll never come around, I’m determined to stop the talks.

We all fall off the horse. Get back on, continue with the light talk, etc, but avoid the R talks at all costs. If they start, STFU and listen. Most guys suck at listening to women. They want you to understand how they emotionally felt. You can't take it personally. Listen with empathy. Keep all your needs to yourself. Have the mindset of "thanks for sharing, I know her better now."