Stuck in limbo III

[LH19]

I try to bear in mind the points from you and Mach1 about space and time being the only things that might resolve these situations.

Well when I say it I mean time apart (space). Very rarely do you see in house separation work.

I've had to resist doing a temperature check where I ask W if she wants to go out to eat together while my parents watch the kids. I mean, just out of curiosity to see what her response would be. So far I haven't pushed it.

It's ok to do it if when she kicks you in the balls you don't get butt hurt.

As you know, I'm mostly against pulling the rip cord and upending the kids' home life in drastic fashion.

I understand and was on the same boat as you.

I still think that there's an MLC component to all this in which W feels bad about where she is in life.

Yep. All those Disney movies, Rom Coms that she has watched do not compare to the life she has now. She needs a change. She can't imagine doing this for another 30 years.

I'm sorry to say, I guess kinda both. I do feel like I vacillate sometimes between the approach of giving all the space in the world and the boundaries/tough love approach to a WW advocated by you and Sandi.

Well since you have indicated that you are still inside her from time to time that is the complete opposite of giving space lol.

What do you recommend?

Man this is a loaded question because I am on the other side. I have been on this board close to 8 years and there are very few recons in regards to WWs. There have been quite a few who have reconned and been back here a couple years later. Even SteveLW a famous LBH recon shows up here once a year wanting to D his wife. The advice here is solid to move on and have a great life if you stick to the GAL, 180 self improvement model. The problem is it doesn't work for recons immediately which is what most people come here for in the first place. I know my exw reacted favorably when I made strong moves when she was not settled on a decision.

If it's MLC or even a milder form of some mid-life transition, the boundary thing of saying the passcode must come off the phone if we're in a marriage seems ill-advised.

I think ideally you want to get to a place where something like that is absolutely unacceptable to you.

You can do a temp check if you wish, just do not put your feeling on the line and don't get your expectations up. There is no magic bullet, no magic shortcut, no miracle cure to snap your W out of it. This $hit takes time.

Agreed.

As far as phone codes go, it really does not matter one way or the other, unless she is 100% committed to the marriage and has said so herself in no uncertain terms.

It only matters if it is unacceptable to you and you act on it as being unacceptable.

If she is not committed to the marriage, it does not matter who she calls, messages or schtumps for that matter.

It only matters if it is unacceptable to you and you act on it as being unacceptable.

Main thing is, she's got to want to come back to the marriage, not be coerced, tricked or fooled.

Agree 100%

You have to became the man's man, the alpha, she has to feel the weakness in ker knees when you enter the room and above all, she has to respect you.

Agree 100%. This is the tricky part. She knows you know what she is up to and you are not doing anything about it so it is hard for her to respect you.

Before anything happens, respect has to happen.

Agree 100%. This is the tricky part. She knows you know what she is up to and you are not doing anything about it so it is hard for her to respect you.

Don't wait for the respect to happen, do your thing. Crush it with the kids, crush it at work, start working out, do not invite her anywhere if she is not committed to the marriage.

Agree 100%. You have to be relentless.

Update your wardrobe, go out even if it's just by yourself. Do not pick up women, but a little flirting does wonders for your confidence.

There was a poster on here years ago named TXhubby. He moped around for 3 years as his W ran around on him. Almost killed him. He finally had enough and got in shape and GAL like a madman. His Ws friends started to take interest in him and his W begged to have him back. He became someone of value and that's worth having.

Any how keep us updated.