I agree with LH19. “Don’t do the legwork” can sometimes be bad advice.
Perhaps it stems from people who believe since the WAS or WS are the ones leaving, they should be punished by forcing them to do all the hard work and making it a marathon. But sometimes, it’s damaging to the LBS if things are dragged out.
What I do agree with, is don’t rush to divorce if you aren’t sure it’s appropriate. And don’t rush to it to teach them a lesson, or force their hand to decide either way.
But in a relationship like this, I’d encourage you to think about getting it done. I think, deep down, you know that this person is bad for you and the chances of having a happy, healthy relationship in the future are very slim. Would you perpetuate/extend your grief and pain by 1,2,3 or 5 years on a 5% chance (that’s generous) you might be able to make it work? I certainly wouldn’t! And as others say, if it’s meant to be, they’ll come back. Get the divorce done, protect your finances, draw a line in the sand and start again… if in 3 years they fall to their knees, admit some responsibility and beg for your forgiveness - well there’s nothing stopping you from re-marrying.
In some jurisdictions, divorce has advantages. In Australia, once 12 months have passed since the divorce decree was made final, they can’t apply for spousal maintenance (similar to alimony). If you’re just separated but not divorced, even if you have finance and custody orders in place, they can come after you at any time. Imagine her living with AP for five years, then she gets dumped, and suddenly hits you with more $$ claims.
Divorcing can put a line in the sand which protects you into the future.
It will also make you feel better. For me, an unexpected BD due to an affair and then mega court battle for finance and children (plus losing my job due COVID) made me feel like my life was spiralling completely out of my control. Filing for divorce was me saying aloud that I was no longer going to be treated like that, that I was drawing a line in the sand for our finances - and for the first time, I felt like I was gaining back a bit of control over my life.
Another good benefit was that I no longer had to hide her behaviour and choices from friends/family. It definitely was the catalyst that started my transition from Mr Nice Guy Syndrome to being a strong, independent man who knew what he was worth.
Also, these people are often desperate to disappear off with AP as soon as possible, and with a minimum of fuss. Sometimes, in such desperation to get out, they’ll take a cra**y deal. Drag it out a year or two, and you might find they’ll want to take more and more.
Was I 100% sure it was the right thing to do at the time? Definitely not. I don’t think any LBS would ever make the decision to file for divorce with 100% conviction. I was probably 80% sure by then that it was never go to work out, and despite the pressure of trying to keep the family together for my kids, 80% was more than enough.
Do I regret it? No way. I’d have done it sooner, except the law didn’t allow me to file until we’d been separated 12 months.
None of us can tell you what to do. Every situation is unique. I certainly wouldn’t encourage someone who isn’t ready to file for divorce. But you also need to look at it from the reverse sense… the fights, the arguments, the lies, the manipulation, the cheating, the sex with AP boundary… exactly what would be enough for you to say this can not be reconciled and my best future is without this person?
