She needs to see me as someone of high value. She needs to view a relationship with me as something much better than a life with someone else or alone. She needs to be willing to work to win me.
I will read that daily. Should I tell her these things? Write it in a letter and give her? I told her two nights ago after I had a really hard day dealing with her being at work with him, that it's time she starts giving me a reason to keep trying. I also said that if her job is more in important than me then that tells me all I need to know and at some point, it has to be addressed.
No! Do not tell her. Or write them to her. You cannot demand things of her and expect positive results.
You demonstrate your value through your actions and words. More often your silence.
It is not her job to give you a reason to keep trying. That comes from within yourself.
I understand the frustration. The best thing is to be quiet when feeling frustrated. As Mach said, do not ring any bells that cannot be un-rung. Saying things in the heat of the moment will lead to regret.
Do not have relationship talks for a while. She needs time and space to process.
Originally Posted by MikeP
She is depressed and won't seek help, and won't go to counseling. She won't socialize with friends anymore, just works and goes to the gym. She says that there are times when she doesn't want to be at our home, would rather be alone somewhere else.
Mike, I sense there is some crisis at play as well. Perhaps not a full blown mid life crisis (that’s a horrible fate), but a harder than normal mid life transition.
There are stages to life. Our lives in our fifties are much different than our twenties. So are our needs and desires.
Lasting depression is a good indicator of her struggling with something internal. Usually these struggles are from childhood traumas or events, and have nothing to do with the LBS. However, the struggling person, well is struggling, and looks around for a reason why they feel like they do. They look around and see you, their loving spouse of many years. And every thing, big and small, gets amplified. They project and blame their spouse. For it must be. They do not, and literally cannot, see nor accept it’s about them.
Time and space. Give her plenty of time and space. For she will take it otherwise.
Relationship talks, pointing out her depression and/or struggles, etc, will not be helpful. She needs to work through it. And at her pace.
Look, she’s struggling with something and has built resentment. It doesn’t matter if that’s justified or true or whatever. It’s true to her.
Time and space.
Hopefully, one day, she will realize that Mike hasn’t been bothering me AND I’m still feeling bad inside, so this is not his fault. Then, if she is lucky, she will look internally and do the inner work she needs to do.
That’s the path.
Stand. GAL. Focus on you. Be kind and cordial. Be compassionate and understanding. Utilize boundaries where needed. Grow. Make changes, for you, and make them permanent. Live a great life. And you might just bust this thing.
The path is counterintuitive at first. However, in your letting go and becoming the best version of you, will give you your best chance at a true reconciliation. No matter what happens, I guarantee you’ll be a better man for it. And that is really the journey that is within your control. The relationship/marriage is a bonus.
Take care.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
