What to do?

[Mach1]

When you're going through a situation like this, it's natural to feel very isolated and alone. Part of the value of reading others' stories here is the recognition you're not the only one going through this that others have experienced it as well and gotten through it and are thriving; you will be alright no matter what happens with your marriage.

And I agree...you do seem strong relative to most Newbies.

Thank you for saying that. I wish I could get to a point where I felt strong. I have had moments where I feel strong and resolute in putting an end to crap that she is/was doing and the minute I see her face and even a hint of hurt in her eyes I'm done. Weak.

You aren't weak....


Strength is relative to the situation that you are in at the time.....

You are getting there, and this takes time to understand and find a balance within yourself for this...

You did your first 6 months "hard time" , which is similar to what I did.

You prolly finally hit the end of your rope and finally realized that this isn't going to end quick.

Every part of you thought that any day now, she would come back to you and state how sorry she was and have incredible make up sex, then things would go back to normal....

Now the clock has hit midnight, and there isn't any grandiose apology , and things don't appear to be getting any better. Same old grind, day after painstaking day....

You only see your pain, and how it affects you.....which is exactly where you should be....

Pain is the stone that we sharpen our growth on....

Fear is the great motivator.....

Anger is the shield that we use to protect our heart...

What you DO NOT see, is how far you've come, and how well you are doing....

Life is perspective......

Daily strength is something that you feel you don't have, yet the strength to make a stand for your marriage is one of the strongest things you will ever do....

There is a bigger purpose in what you are doing, so maybe give yourself a break and see things for what they are, not what you are trying to make them....

[LH19]

If I'm being honest fear has a lot to do with it.

A lot of people here mistake what they think is love with fear and the loss of control.

I love her sill, but I'm afraid of losing a lifetime together.

Yes I felt the same way. Couldn't imagine us not sitting in our rocking chairs in our 80s.

33 years together and it feels like it all disappeared in the span of one conversation on 4/2/22.

Mine disappeared one day when I wanted to check the weather on her phone and she has a passcode which she never had before.

She has always been there since I was 17, the thought of losing her seems more than I can bear.

Completely understandable.

As much as it hurts to think of us going our separate ways, it hurts more to think that she would throw it all away and still won't do much to reconcile.

So what do you think that tells you about her mindset right now?

She's not where I am obviously. She's been home for 6 months, but it doesn't feel much different than it did the first day she came home.

Yeah I was in your situation for 18 months.

The fear of being alone for the first time in my is hard to overcome.

I felt the same way. Though I love being alone now. Now I am having a hard time imagining ever living with someone else lol. Funny how things change.

[MikeP]

If I'm being honest fear has a lot to do with it.

A lot of people here mistake what they think is love with fear and the loss of control.

I love her sill, but I'm afraid of losing a lifetime together.

Yes I felt the same way. Couldn't imagine us not sitting in our rocking chairs in our 80s.

33 years together and it feels like it all disappeared in the span of one conversation on 4/2/22.

Mine disappeared one day when I wanted to check the weather on her phone and she has a passcode which she never had before.

She has always been there since I was 17, the thought of losing her seems more than I can bear.

Completely understandable.

As much as it hurts to think of us going our separate ways, it hurts more to think that she would throw it all away and still won't do much to reconcile.

So what do you think that tells you about her mindset right now?

She's not where I am obviously. She's been home for 6 months, but it doesn't feel much different than it did the first day she came home.

Yeah I was in your situation for 18 months.

The fear of being alone for the first time in my is hard to overcome.

I felt the same way. Though I love being alone now. Now I am having a hard time imagining ever living with someone else lol. Funny how things change.

I think her mindset is different than it was, but not where it needs to be. She ended the A and came home, that surprised me. She "wants" it to work, "wishes" it could work, but is doubtful. A lot of the same bs talk I've read from others-how can I ever forgive her,etc.
The day I caught her and the om at the park together, it took everything I had not to get out of my car and beat his ass. I sometimes wish I had. She would have used it as a reason to leave and maybe by now she would be back and working on real reconciliation, or not. Of course I would have gone to jail, that would have sucked. I flip flop between wanting everything to be better to wishing she was strong enough to just leave if she wants to. Effing crazy.

[MikeP]

When you're going through a situation like this, it's natural to feel very isolated and alone. Part of the value of reading others' stories here is the recognition you're not the only one going through this that others have experienced it as well and gotten through it and are thriving; you will be alright no matter what happens with your marriage.

And I agree...you do seem strong relative to most Newbies.

Thank you for saying that. I wish I could get to a point where I felt strong. I have had moments where I feel strong and resolute in putting an end to crap that she is/was doing and the minute I see her face and even a hint of hurt in her eyes I'm done. Weak.

You aren't weak....


Strength is relative to the situation that you are in at the time.....

You are getting there, and this takes time to understand and find a balance within yourself for this...

You did your first 6 months "hard time" , which is similar to what I did.

You prolly finally hit the end of your rope and finally realized that this isn't going to end quick.

Every part of you thought that any day now, she would come back to you and state how sorry she was and have incredible make up sex, then things would go back to normal....

Now the clock has hit midnight, and there isn't any grandiose apology , and things don't appear to be getting any better. Same old grind, day after painstaking day....

You only see your pain, and how it affects you.....which is exactly where you should be....

Pain is the stone that we sharpen our growth on....

Fear is the great motivator.....

Anger is the shield that we use to protect our heart...

What you DO NOT see, is how far you've come, and how well you are doing....

Life is perspective......

Daily strength is something that you feel you don't have, yet the strength to make a stand for your marriage is one of the strongest things you will ever do....

There is a bigger purpose in what you are doing, so maybe give yourself a break and see things for what they are, not what you are trying to make them....

You are spot on about the of my rope and about her saying how sorry she is etc. Of course, I know now it's not reality, but I wanted it so badly for quite a while.

[MikeP]

LH, I made a note in my phone from someone else's post with a quote of yours.

She needs to see me as someone of high value.
She needs to view a relationship with me as something much better than a life with someone else or alone.
She needs to be willing to work to win me.

I will read that daily. Should I tell her these things? Write it in a letter and give her? I told her two nights ago after I had a really hard day dealing with her being at work with him, that it's time she starts giving me a reason to keep trying. I also said that if her job is more in important than me then that tells me all I need to know and at some point, it has to be addressed. A lot of times when we have had hard conversations, she asks me if I want her to leave. I take that as her hoping I say yes because she doesn't have the nerve to do it again. I finally told her to stop asking, if I ever reach that point she will be the first to know.

[BL42]

Should I tell her these things? Write it in a letter and give her?

No! Don't say...DO! Remember, Actions > Words.

I told her two nights ago after I had a really hard day dealing with her being at work with him, that it's time she starts giving me a reason to keep trying. I also said that if her job is more in important than me then that tells me all I need to know and at some point, it has to be addressed. A lot of times when we have had hard conversations, she asks me if I want her to leave. I take that as her hoping I say yes because she doesn't have the nerve to do it again. I finally told her to stop asking, if I ever reach that point she will be the first to know.

Typically in DB'ing the standard response is no R talks. Don't pressure or debate, just listen an validate. Not sure in your case what most would recommend considering your W moved back, says she wants to work on it, and is going on date nights and having sex with you. Maybe some R discussion is warranted. However, in general you should minimize the pressure, guilt, and arguing and instead do more listening and validation...in combination with working on yourself to fix your issues and up your attraction.

[DnJ]

Hello Mike

She needs to see me as someone of high value.
She needs to view a relationship with me as something much better than a life with someone else or alone.
She needs to be willing to work to win me.

I will read that daily. Should I tell her these things? Write it in a letter and give her? I told her two nights ago after I had a really hard day dealing with her being at work with him, that it's time she starts giving me a reason to keep trying. I also said that if her job is more in important than me then that tells me all I need to know and at some point, it has to be addressed.

No! Do not tell her. Or write them to her. You cannot demand things of her and expect positive results.

You demonstrate your value through your actions and words. More often your silence.

It is not her job to give you a reason to keep trying. That comes from within yourself.

I understand the frustration. The best thing is to be quiet when feeling frustrated. As Mach said, do not ring any bells that cannot be un-rung. Saying things in the heat of the moment will lead to regret.

Do not have relationship talks for a while. She needs time and space to process.

She is depressed and won't seek help, and won't go to counseling. She won't socialize with friends anymore, just works and goes to the gym. She says that there are times when she doesn't want to be at our home, would rather be alone somewhere else.

Mike, I sense there is some crisis at play as well. Perhaps not a full blown mid life crisis (that’s a horrible fate), but a harder than normal mid life transition.

There are stages to life. Our lives in our fifties are much different than our twenties. So are our needs and desires.

Lasting depression is a good indicator of her struggling with something internal. Usually these struggles are from childhood traumas or events, and have nothing to do with the LBS. However, the struggling person, well is struggling, and looks around for a reason why they feel like they do. They look around and see you, their loving spouse of many years. And every thing, big and small, gets amplified. They project and blame their spouse. For it must be. They do not, and literally cannot, see nor accept it’s about them.

Time and space. Give her plenty of time and space. For she will take it otherwise.

Relationship talks, pointing out her depression and/or struggles, etc, will not be helpful. She needs to work through it. And at her pace.

Look, she’s struggling with something and has built resentment. It doesn’t matter if that’s justified or true or whatever. It’s true to her.

Time and space.

Hopefully, one day, she will realize that Mike hasn’t been bothering me AND I’m still feeling bad inside, so this is not his fault. Then, if she is lucky, she will look internally and do the inner work she needs to do.

That’s the path.

Stand. GAL. Focus on you. Be kind and cordial. Be compassionate and understanding. Utilize boundaries where needed. Grow. Make changes, for you, and make them permanent. Live a great life. And you might just bust this thing.

The path is counterintuitive at first. However, in your letting go and becoming the best version of you, will give you your best chance at a true reconciliation. No matter what happens, I guarantee you’ll be a better man for it. And that is really the journey that is within your control. The relationship/marriage is a bonus.

Take care.

D

[BL42]

MikeP,

I think her mindset is different than it was, but not where it needs to be.

It's likely not going to happen over night. It's a process. Use the time wisely...work on your issues and improve your attraction and like they say...become a man she'd be crazy to leave.

She ended the A and came home, that surprised me.

There's your positive.

She "wants" it to work, "wishes" it could work, but is doubtful. A lot of the same bs talk I've read from others-how can I ever forgive her,etc.

It's common for WAS/WS to be doubtful the relationship could work and the marriage be saved, but usually it's because they view the LBS as a lost cause. If your W truly wants to R and thinks it's because YOU can't forgive HER (as opposed to you not being able to make her happy), that's maybe an item you can address.

The day I caught her and the om at the park together, it took everything I had not to get out of my car and beat his ass. I sometimes wish I had. She would have used it as a reason to leave and maybe by now she would be back and working on real reconciliation, or not. Of course I would have gone to jail, that would have sucked.

Sometimes I wonder if the old school approach would be better in that regard. Obviously in today's culture ending up arrested and in jail is not an option, but if she wants to leave she'll find an excuse, whether it's you being physical or something else - at least with the former she'd she you "man up" (for lack of a better term) and respect that. It might even attract her more. I remember my IC saying about back in the day how a guys family or friends would round up and give the OM a beat down. I don't think she was advocating doing that - just trying to get me to stand up and be stronger mindset.

I flip flop between wanting everything to be better to wishing she was strong enough to just leave if she wants to. Effing crazy.

Those feelings probably aren't going away any time soon. Read SteveLW's post who saved his marriage quote awhile ago and still has those feelings.

[MikeP]

MikeP,

I think her mindset is different than it was, but not where it needs to be.

It's likely not going to happen over night. It's a process. Use the time wisely...work on your issues and improve your attraction and like they say...become a man she'd be crazy to leave.

She ended the A and came home, that surprised me.

There's your positive.

She "wants" it to work, "wishes" it could work, but is doubtful. A lot of the same bs talk I've read from others-how can I ever forgive her,etc.

It's common for WAS/WS to be doubtful the relationship could work and the marriage be saved, but usually it's because they view the LBS as a lost cause. If your W truly wants to R and thinks it's because YOU can't forgive HER (as opposed to you not being able to make her happy), that's maybe an item you can address.

The day I caught her and the om at the park together, it took everything I had not to get out of my car and beat his ass. I sometimes wish I had. She would have used it as a reason to leave and maybe by now she would be back and working on real reconciliation, or not. Of course I would have gone to jail, that would have sucked.

Sometimes I wonder if the old school approach would be better in that regard. Obviously in today's culture ending up arrested and in jail is not an option, but if she wants to leave she'll find an excuse, whether it's you being physical or something else - at least with the former she'd she you "man up" (for lack of a better term) and respect that. It might even attract her more. I remember my IC saying about back in the day how a guys family or friends would round up and give the OM a beat down. I don't think she was advocating doing that - just trying to get me to stand up and be stronger mindset.

I flip flop between wanting everything to be better to wishing she was strong enough to just leave if she wants to. Effing crazy.

Those feelings probably aren't going away any time soon. Read SteveLW's post who saved his marriage quote awhile ago and still has those feelings.

It's ironic how she seemed so attracted and into me as a younger man, I guess I was more exciting. She was shy and quiet, I was much more out going and loved to have a good time. Youthful and full of testosterone, voiced my opinion and would fight if need be without giving it a second thought. Grew older, wiser, more mature, and now I feel boring. I always felt deep down she didn't like the younger me so much because of her shy personality, maybe I was wrong.

[MikeP]

Should I tell her these things? Write it in a letter and give her?

No! Don't say...DO! Remember, Actions > Words.

I told her two nights ago after I had a really hard day dealing with her being at work with him, that it's time she starts giving me a reason to keep trying. I also said that if her job is more in important than me then that tells me all I need to know and at some point, it has to be addressed. A lot of times when we have had hard conversations, she asks me if I want her to leave. I take that as her hoping I say yes because she doesn't have the nerve to do it again. I finally told her to stop asking, if I ever reach that point she will be the first to know.

Typically in DB'ing the standard response is no R talks. Don't pressure or debate, just listen an validate. Not sure in your case what most would recommend considering your W moved back, says she wants to work on it, and is going on date nights and having sex with you. Maybe some R discussion is warranted. However, in general you should minimize the pressure, guilt, and arguing and instead do more listening and validation...in combination with working on yourself to fix your issues and up your attraction.

I think I said this earlier, maybe not. I've been confused about how to approach things since she is home and wants things to work. I try to limit R talks, sometimes my emotions screw that up. I think I really just need to stick to the standard DBing. I have been working more on GAL, not great at it but working.