Something I left out- when she moved back in, I talked to her about how our marriage had devolved into us focusing on the kids and never on us. I asked and she agreed to go out to eat one night a week. I did not pressure her at all, just suggested it as a way to spend time without the kids around. We have done it every week but one. I look forward to these dinners and I really believe she does too. We don't talk about us, did a little at first but stopped. We talk, have margaritas, and generally have a nice time.
Originally Posted by BL42
MikeP - If she really is into these "date nights" I think that's a positive sign. The fact that she moved back, says she wants to fix things, is open to date nights and sex with you is a positive sign. At least relative to most situations on this board where the WS is gone, living with someone else, saying they have no interest to work on things...etc., you're situation seems relatively better. Now, that does not by any stretch mean you're through the woods. You two have A LOT to get through and work out if you're going to be successful. The situation is still on thin ice. But...if I were you I would take some solace/hope in it and keep doing the work and not give up. Just my opinion.
Originally Posted by Mach1
Strongly agree....
Applaud the 2% that is right for now, until you have a concrete reason to not to...
That is my thoughts as well.
One of my mantras is "Do not be boring". Definitely mix up date night..ie do not always do dinner. I always like live music.
I have changed up the way I "ask":
Me: "I am planning on going to see this new band at (name of venue) this Friday at 6p. Would you like to join me?"
Become a high value man that only a fool would leave. You want her pursuing you.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thanks everyone for the encouragement and advice, it’s more appreciated than I can put into words. I’ve been mostly on my own dealing with this mess. I have confided in one good friend, but only to a certain degree. I guess it’s an ego thing, but it’s hard to talk to another man about my wife cheating on me. I have known people in the past that dealt with this, but of course you can’t appreciate how difficult it is until you are in it yourself. I do understand that there have been some positive actions on her part that others would love to have happen. Knowing that, it’s still a freaking roller coaster of emotions. Some days I think i’m losing my mind. One minute I’m happy as can be, the next I’m literally crying or fighting the urge to commit violence on a certain guy. I’ve tried to convince myself that he isn’t as much to blame as her, but it doesn’t work. He tried, might still be trying, to take my wife. I know at some point the anger will come out, I hope to god it’s not because I run into him somewhere. The last thing me or my kids need, is an assault charge and jail. I’m not a religious person, but thank god for my kids and me maturing as I’ve aged. Once upon a time this would have gone a very different way. My kids keep me sane and focused on not doing stupid s#@t. Again, thank you all so much.
Also, my new running shoes came today and I dropped d13 off at basketball practice and went for a run. It was 42 degrees and spitting rain, but man it felt so good to listen to some music and forget this crap for awhile. Came home, showered, and went to dinner with my wife and son. It’s been a nice night. Thanks everyone, I love all the feedback. Even the things that are hard to hear. I’ve always liked people that are honest with me, it’s probably the quality I admire most in others.
One last thing, concerning the comment about people in active affairs not having sex with the one they are cheating on. While she was seeing him and I didn’t know it, our sex life was the same as it had always been in terms of frequency, etc. Once I found out, things changed. She didn’t want to and we only did a couple of times over the period of time she was still at home seeing him and after she moved out. Don’t know that it means anything, just giving some info.
I'm on page 4 of the second thread by May. It's scary how similar our stories are. Some of the things she posts sounds like the exact convo's wife and I have had. Something she said that struck a chord with me was to the effect of "I don't feel strong, if I was strong I would kick him to the curb and move on". I say that every time my counselor tells how strong I'm being and that she can't believe I've dealt with this so well. During one of our sessions she jokingly told me I should look into becoming a counselor after I retire. The thing is, I know what to do but struggle to actually do so. It really doesn't feel like I'm strong at all, I feel mostly like a weak man who is letting my wife manipulate me. All those nights I was home alone lying awake thinking about her being with him were so hard. I endured it until I couldn't, but somehow I felt like a wimp for letting it continue. I guess reading May's story stirred up some emotions and I needed to express them a little. Thanks.
When you're going through a situation like this, it's natural to feel very isolated and alone. Part of the value of reading others' stories here is the recognition you're not the only one going through this that others have experienced it as well and gotten through it and are thriving; you will be alright no matter what happens with your marriage.
And I agree...you do seem strong relative to most Newbies.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Yes, we all walk/walked a similar path. Grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, & acceptance - letting go, withdrawal, indifference, etc; it’s quite a bog to work through. Many stages, with different overlaps, different orders, for each person. Yet generally a similar path.
We’ve all felt weak laying alone thinking about what our spouse could be doing. As you’ve seen, you’re not alone, and you will get through it.
Something I read long ago, God never places more upon your shoulders than you can handle. I was like lots of folks and prayed for strength to make it though this. And it was answered. Our answers are usually not how we want them, rather how we need them. Strength is gain by enduring and working through our burden.
It’s not really about the destination, it’s the journey. It’s working and walking through that bog.
Life is a journey, and at times the path gets pretty rough. Have faith, it will smooth out.
Stay strong. Focus on you. And keep moving forward.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
It really doesn't feel like I'm strong at all, I feel mostly like a weak man who is letting my wife manipulate me.
So this is where you need to dig deep and be really honest with yourself and ask yourself why you are allowing it to happen. Usually it's fear.
If I'm being honest fear has a lot to do with it. I love her sill, but I'm afraid of losing a lifetime together. The marriage we had is over, possibly to be replaced by a new one. Possibly not. 33 years together and it feels like it all disappeared in the span of one conversation on 4/2/22. She has always been there since I was 17, the thought of losing her seems more than I can bear. Can't even type this without tearing up. As much as it hurts to think of us going our separate ways, it hurts more to think that she would throw it all away and still won't do much to reconcile. She's not where I am obviously. She's been home for 6 months, but it doesn't feel much different than it did the first day she came home. The fear of being alone for the first time in my is hard to overcome.
When you're going through a situation like this, it's natural to feel very isolated and alone. Part of the value of reading others' stories here is the recognition you're not the only one going through this that others have experienced it as well and gotten through it and are thriving; you will be alright no matter what happens with your marriage.
And I agree...you do seem strong relative to most Newbies.
Thank you for saying that. I wish I could get to a point where I felt strong. I have had moments where I feel strong and resolute in putting an end to crap that she is/was doing and the minute I see her face and even a hint of hurt in her eyes I'm done. Weak.
