What to do?

[Ready2Change]

If you give her space, it’s going to make her less resentful.

If you live your own life, and are happy and joyful for your own sake, it’s going to make her less resentful.

If you are respectful in your communications with her, but not intimate, it’s going to make her less resentful.

*Eventually* she will burn through that big pile of resentment.

*Eventually* she will process her anger at you and it will dissipate.

UNTIL she goes through both of those processes, she will not see you as anything other than she believes you to be based on her prior training.

This is your roadmap.

[Ready2Change]

It was never a case of me doing something and thinking I deserved sex, she just never wanted to. I expressed my needs many times over the years, but it never changed.

Most guys do not know how to turn a woman on. You have an opportunity right now to start doing some focused research/learning in this area.

When I was in the thick of my sitch, I was visiting the book store weekly, browsing the self-help areas, and reading 2-3 books a week.

I have a link to some good reading here:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094

[MikeP]

Something I left out- when she moved back in, I talked to her about how our marriage had devolved into us focusing on the kids and never on us. I asked and she agreed to go out to eat one night a week. I did not pressure her at all, just suggested it as a way to spend time without the kids around. We have done it every week but one. I look forward to these dinners and I really believe she does too. We don't talk about us, did a little at first but stopped. We talk, have margaritas, and generally have a nice time.

[LH19]

She hasn't wanted much to do with them since. I keep in contact with them, we have all been friend since before we were married. It's funny because they love her so much yet they keep telling me I should leave her.

This is very telling Mikey P.

[MikeP]

It is but it doesn't make me feel better. She's losing her two best friends. Maybe she will come around and reconnect with them at some point.

[BL42]

MikeP,

I've said in the past I would not forgive a cheater, yet here I am trying too.

It's easy to say it's a deal breaker when it's a hypothetical, but when it's your real world life and your family and way of living is at stake often people see it much differently. I don't think anyone really knows whether or not cheating is a deal breaker unless put to the test.

Maybe I'm lying to myself and if she actually admits to it, I'll be done. I can't honestly say at this point.

You're in for a lot of anger at some point, regardless of what happens. Know that it's coming. It will be a challenge to reconciliation you'll need to confront.

What has been confusing for me is that she came back and said she wanted to fix things.

That's a lot more positive than if she left and says she had no interest in fixing things.

I stop using the things I heard learned from MWD and thought she would/should work with me.

DB'ing and improving yourself is a never-ending task. You don't stop just because things seem a little bit better.

I took her at her word when in reality she wasn't being completely honest.

They lie. Right to your face.

My biggest struggle is that she is working with the guy, and I can't stop thinking about them having sex again. I know that is my problem and I need to figure it out, I can't expect anything from her right now.

See...this is an example of how LBSs should be flipping the narrative and reclaiming their power. Is it your problem? Or, is it HER problem??? SHE better start figuring out how to reassure you she won't cheat again or YOU will walk.

Since she moved back home she made it clear that she has no desire to have sex.

Again, that she moved back is more positive than most sitches.

We have had sex fairly regularly though and she has actually instigated it numerous times.

Interesting. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think most WWs still initiate sex. Did yours LH?

I try not to instigate it, but I do ask sometimes.

What do you mean you try not to? There is no try, do or do not.

The thing about me changing is, I wasn't as bad as she made it out to be. A lot of it was her rewriting history.

So if you've read others stories on this board you'll know that rewriting history is incredibly common. They have to make you the bad guy to justify their actions.

My biggest problem was that I had/have bouts of laziness, especially in the winter. I tend to get depressed and just lay around.

She doesn't get to cheat on you because you got a little lazy in the winter months.

I have always done most of the cooking and my share of housework. She has done the majority of the laundry. I always take the kids to dr, dentist, sports practices, etc. I've not been perfect, but I've not useless either.

If you were doing your fair share don't blame yourself for not doing more.

I have never yelled at her, rarely have I even raised my voice to her during all this mess.

Again, read other stories. It's incredibly common for there to be no physical or verbal abuse, no drug or alcohol or gambling problems...etc. No "major" issues.

I try to give her space. I have frequently suggested she go out with her two best friends.

You control you, no her. You don't need to suggest she spends time with friends to give her space. You go spend time with your friends! That gives her space. Also, if those friends are against her affair and her divorce actions and you both know that then you suggesting or encouraging her to spend time with them can be seen as a pressure.

Problem is when she told them about the affair and that she was going to leave me, they told her she was screwing up and that I deserved to be given a chance. She hasn't wanted much to do with them since. I keep in contact with them, we have all been friend since before we were married. It's funny because they love her so much yet they keep telling me I should leave her.

This is very telling Mikey P.

It is but it doesn't make me feel better. She's losing her two best friends. Maybe she will come around and reconnect with them at some point.

Again, very common for the WAS/WS to discard friends and family who disagree with their actions and embrace people they've previously criticize for similar actions.

I keep in contact with them, we have all been friend since before we were married.

Maybe you shouldn't. Or at the very least don't talk relationship with them.

It's funny because they love her so much yet they keep telling me I should leave her.

Why do you think they're telling you that?

Something I left out- when she moved back in, I talked to her about how our marriage had devolved into us focusing on the kids and never on us. I asked and she agreed to go out to eat one night a week. I did not pressure her at all, just suggested it as a way to spend time without the kids around. We have done it every week but one. I look forward to these dinners and I really believe she does too. We don't talk about us, did a little at first but stopped. We talk, have margaritas, and generally have a nice time.

MikeP - If she really is into these "date nights" I think that's a positive sign. The fact that she moved back, says she wants to fix things, is open to date nights and sex with you is a positive sign. At least relative to most situations on this board where the WS is gone, living with someone else, saying they have no interest to work on things...etc., you're situation seems relatively better. Now, that does not by any stretch mean you're through the woods. You two have A LOT to get through and work out if you're going to be successful. The situation is still on thin ice. But...if I were you I would take some solace/hope in it and keep doing the work and not give up. Just my opinion.

[DnJ]

Hello Mike

I've said in the past I would not forgive a cheater, yet here I am trying too. Maybe I'm lying to myself and if she actually admits to it, I'll be done. I can't honestly say at this point.

One really doesn’t know what they’ll do until actually facing such a thing. My first impression from your posts, you have the capacity to forgive her cheating.

Realize it’s the deed one forgives, not the person. No one can see enough to judge; only God has that wisdom. Our best is to love the sinner and forgive the sin. It helps when you realize what you’re working towards.

Stay strong.

D

[Mach1]

MikeP,

I've said in the past I would not forgive a cheater, yet here I am trying too.

It's easy to say it's a deal breaker when it's a hypothetical, but when it's your real world life and your family and way of living is at stake often people see it much differently. I don't think anyone really knows whether or not cheating is a deal breaker unless put to the test.

Truth ^^^

I took her at her word when in reality she wasn't being completely honest.

They lie. Right to your face.

I'm not totally convinced that they all outright lie. I think that there is such a revisionist attitude and rewrite of the history that they really don't recognize what is true and what isn't anymore....

IF she was cornered with no way out ??

Yep, you can be convinced that it was a lie to get out of reality...

A casual conversation ?

Most likely still a lie, yet more of a re-write of what truth is to them...

We have had sex fairly regularly though and she has actually instigated it numerous times.

Interesting. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think most WWs still initiate sex. Did yours LH?

People in an active affair don't initiate sex with the person that they are cheating on.

Especially Women in an physically active affair unless they are covering "hot" tracks that could expose them.

Something I left out- when she moved back in, I talked to her about how our marriage had devolved into us focusing on the kids and never on us. I asked and she agreed to go out to eat one night a week. I did not pressure her at all, just suggested it as a way to spend time without the kids around. We have done it every week but one. I look forward to these dinners and I really believe she does too. We don't talk about us, did a little at first but stopped. We talk, have margaritas, and generally have a nice time.

MikeP - If she really is into these "date nights" I think that's a positive sign. The fact that she moved back, says she wants to fix things, is open to date nights and sex with you is a positive sign. At least relative to most situations on this board where the WS is gone, living with someone else, saying they have no interest to work on things...etc., you're situation seems relatively better. Now, that does not by any stretch mean you're through the woods. You two have A LOT to get through and work out if you're going to be successful. The situation is still on thin ice. But...if I were you I would take some solace/hope in it and keep doing the work and not give up. Just my opinion.

Strongly agree....

Applaud the 2% that is right for now, until you have a concrete reason to not to...

[LH19]

Interesting. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think most WWs still initiate sex. Did yours LH?

Few times but it was mostly me. What can I say I liked to cake eat too lol.


I did kinda get lost because she made it clear to him she was interested in sex but yet she's initiating. WWs are strange creatures for sure.

[BL42]

Since she moved back home she made it clear that she has no desire to have sex...We have had sex fairly regularly though and she has actually instigated it numerous times. I try not to instigate it, but I do ask sometimes. She is usually receptive.

I did kinda get lost because she made it clear to him she was interested in sex but yet she's initiating. WWs are strange creatures for sure.

I could be wrong, but took this to mean...that although she said when moving back she had no desire to have sex with him, in practice after she was back they've had sex numerous times and she's even initiated it. Actions > words.