Been reading along here with the "play at home" version...
First off, welcome to the best, worst place to find yourself in...
Secondly, I agree with most of the stuff the guys have posted to you, taking a stand, doing your thing, making this about you.....
I also want you to understand that YOU have more control over this than you think that you do..
The forgiveness question is a hard one. Most guys say that they draw a line in the sand when the question is posed to them about what they would do if their spouse was to have an affair. Hell, most people in general stand in a crowd with that rhetorical question and answer that they would boot their ass to the curb....
Yet we never quite know what we are capable of until we find ourselves in the thick of it....
I will say though, IF you cannot forgive her, even if you learn of a PA, then you might as well just pull the plug. YOUR forgiveness is your key out of hell....for her, and especially for yourself....
Is she F'ing someone else ? Who knows, nobody except 2 people know that for sure, and you aren't one of them..nor is anyone here...
Does it really matter to you ? Is it a deal breaker for you ??
You need to know that.....
A lot of what I've read seems to be about you trying to "fix" the situation, and to make things better.
Men are fixers, that's what we do. If something is broken, we want to fix it.
I can tell you that no matter how hard you try, you cannot fix this, or her. It won't work that way.
It didn't break overnight, and it won't resolve overnight...the harder that you fight that, the more you are stopping the natural flow of things....
You have 25 years worth of anger and resentment, from BOTH sides of this that are coming into play, and you BOTH are going to have to work through all of that before anything can change. And it's better to be in your own head, rather than hers.....
By the time that most of us found ourselves here, the marriage that you know is dead and gone. Fighting for it is a futile waste of time.
And I am NOT saying that you cannot have a productive, loving marriage again with your current spouse, just that anything in the future will have to be an entirely new relationship with her. And that CAN happen...
However, on the other side of this....
YOU will hopefully be different...
SHE will hopefully be different...
And you will never want to try to drive that square peg into a round hole....
You might want to stop trying to control the situation by changing her or telling her that she is wrong.
You need to understand that her version of the story will vary greatly from your version of events, and you need to accept that you see this relationship in totally different perspectives.
And that, that is okay for now. Your "truths" will not match, and no matter how hard you try...her truth is hers...
You need to ask yourself how long did she carry this marriage on her back ? And now you've suddenly decided that you want to be different, and make changes....
Surely, those changes are only to get your way...right ??
She is fighting for herself, and you are fighting to "get your way".....get used to that being her mindset.
Of course she doesn't believe your changes....
Would you if the tables were turned ???
Did you make them because you are tired of being that person for yourself ? Or only so that she will notice them and come back into the relationship ?
Whatever changes that you make had better be for you and you only. You are the one that has to look at yourself in the mirror at night, and the reflection that you see needs to be real, and honest.
Changing only to get your way is manipulation and control at it finest.
Time and consistent actions are the only thing that may change her mind....
Remember this also....
You are never gonna talk your way out of something that you acted your way into.....
Just be sure of the "whys" of DBing....
Most of the advice has been geared towards leaving her....
So let me ask you this....
Why ARE you DBing ??
WHY are you choosing to stand ???
Is it truly love ??
Is it guilt ??
Is it obligation ??
What do all of those things really mean to you ? Deep down ?
Ask yourself those question. The answers will drive your stand, and your behaviors in the direction that you want to go in.
Find out who you really are when the lights are turned off at the end of the day....
That's the guy that you have to live with, to Parent with, to be a Son for, be a Husband with....
Would you want to be in a relationship with yourself ??
Anywoo......
Keep posting, ask questions.....
Things won't always be this way...that's the only promise I can make you....
Nothing has to happen today, or change today.
Don't ring any bells that can't be un-rung...
Find your peace Mike.....that is your best place to be....
