What to do?

[MikeP]

Should I push her to find a new job? Make it a requirement? My counselor says no, she has couples that make it work. I don’t see how.

[LH19]

I wouldn’t push her right now to change jobs. Right now you need to give her space and let her figure her $hit out. Probably a MLC component here and it’s going to take a really long time for this to play out. You didn’t get into this over night and you ain’t going to fix it over night.

If she had sex with him is that a dealbreaker for you?

[Ready2Change]

Hi Mike,

Just an FYI...I am 55...went through D at 40.

Should I push her to find a new job? Make it a requirement?

That sounds controlling. One of the things I strongly suggest is pulling back and taking some time to work on you. How you interact with her and others .

[MikeP]

Not a dealbreaker, I already know she did. I guess I want her to confess her sin🤷🏼‍♂️

[BL42]

MikeP,

The sex issue was always her low desire, my high desire and my negative response to being turned down so much. Never fought about, I just usually would withdraw and pout for a day. I took it so personally and felt rejected, she never understood that or really believed it.

That's a passive-aggressive response (withdraw and pout as opposed to stating your needs), and possibly some nice guy syndrome behavior (where you doing things you felt deserved to be rewarded with sex?). Might want to read up on those.

In the beginning I started back to the gym and took up running. Also started fasting and cleaned up the diet. Once she came, we went to Oklahoma for a softball tournament with d13, I was a coach, and I slowly fell off the exercise and eating plan wagon. Just started back running and working out, been dealing with a long term back problem that glares up occasionally.

It's easy to make a change for a few months. Much harder to make it permanent. Now that you're back to it can you commit to making it stick?

I’m sure the kids were suspicious, they’re smart.

Indeed.

For some reason I really want her to admit to sleeping with him, not sure why it bothers me except I know she’s lying and I want her to admit it.

Relationships can't work without trust, and how can you have trust if she's lying to you. It's fair to want the truth.

I’ve told her we will never make as long as she works with him and that I can only tolerate it for so long. I’m about done tolerating it.

Like LH19 and R2C said, you can't make her quit and get a new job...that's controlling. But it does go to her intentions. If she was dead serious about working on things she'd want to quit to prove to you she's committed.

I have read Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting. Rereading Remedy now. I have watched every video of MWD’s I can find.

Good. What's next on your list?

[Kind18]

TBH, I’d leave her.

Once someone sleeps with an affair partner, it’s game over.

What happens if she admits it like you so desperately want? Maybe she gets her sh** together for a year or two, then she goes and does it again. Her admitting it will achieve nothing, other than making you feel better about it. But it isn’t going to stop her from doing it again. If anything, it will make it easier for her to do it again in the future.

I’d get a lawyer to get my ducks in a row. Then I’d sit her down and tell her I know she’s cheated, tell her she’s got 24 hours to leave the house.

But that’s just me.

Three years on, my WW still hasn’t admitted to it. She still sells that she’s a victim and that I left her.

It’s hard to explain just how little that worries me any more.

Not your job to hold her accountable and smack her bottom.

[MikeP]

It was never a case of me doing something and thinking I deserved sex, she just never wanted to. I expressed my needs many times over the years, but it never changed. I was totally wrong, not doubt. I had been much better in the past few years, but I guess the damage was done. I've acknowledged to her how wrong I was. So many things seemed to change about me the instant she told me about the affair. My outlook on life in general has changed. I want to be a better, happier person even if our marriage doesn't work. I've spent a lot of years at a job I hate and that takes a toll on everyone around me. Not excusing anything, it's just the facts. I've always been a good father and tried to be a good husband, the best I knew how at least. The last 6 months I've been a totally different person in a lot of ways. I am more social, more patient, and I leave work at work. Fortunately, I can retire in a few months and start a new career until I can retire for real.

It's definitely easy to make changes short term, I am determined to keep at it. I want to lose 25lbs. and keep running for my health. I want these things for me, not her or anyone else.

Next on my list is to start doing a better job of implementing the things I've learned from the books, I've sucked at it so far. My biggest goal is to GAL. That's what I think I need the most.

[MikeP]

TBH, I’d leave her.

Once someone sleeps with an affair partner, it’s game over.

What happens if she admits it like you so desperately want? Maybe she gets her sh** together for a year or two, then she goes and does it again. Her admitting it will achieve nothing, other than making you feel better about it. But it isn’t going to stop her from doing it again. If anything, it will make it easier for her to do it again in the future.

I’d get a lawyer to get my ducks in a row. Then I’d sit her down and tell her I know she’s cheated, tell her she’s got 24 hours to leave the house.

But that’s just me.

Three years on, my WW still hasn’t admitted to it. She still sells that she’s a victim and that I left her.

It’s hard to explain just how little that worries me any more.

Not your job to hold her accountable and smack her bottom.

There are days when I want to do exactly what you say. Most days I don't. For whatever reason I think I can forgive her, I know I probably pushed her away. Not excusing her at all, I've been unhappy as well but never turned to someone else. The kids play a big part in wanting it to work as well. I have considered consulting a lawyer to get my ducks in a row, just in case.

[BL42]

TBH, I’d leave her.

Once someone sleeps with an affair partner, it’s game over.

The kids play a big part in wanting it to work as well.

I get where Kind18 is coming from, and looking back perhaps I should've gone that route knowing the outcome anyway, but I'd hold off on anything drastic - you don't have to make a decision today. Keep your children in mind, especially D13. The last thing she needs going into her teenage years is learning her mom is having an affair and her parents are divorcing. Maybe you sacrafice your own pride a bit for the best interest of the kids and maybe it works out. If you need to At least your W came back and is saying she wants the marriage to look - that's far better than a lot of sitches on here. And there are marriages that do work through affairs.

I’d get a lawyer to get my ducks in a row.

I have considered consulting a lawyer to get my ducks in a row, just in case.

Definitely do this. It's a no-brainer. There's no reason not to. You don't have to take any action, but having an initial consultation to get a firm understanding of where you stand under the law (custody, assets, child/supposal support...etc.) is universally recommended here. Knowledge = power.

It’s hard to explain just how little that worries me any more.

That's awesome - the best attitude.

I had been much better in the past few years, but I guess the damage was done. I've acknowledged to her how wrong I was.

You can't change the past. Learn from your mistakes sure, but also don't beat yourself up over it too much either. Everyone on the planet could be better - there's no one who is perfect, but SHE is the one cheating. Not you.

So many things seemed to change about me the instant she told me about the affair. My outlook on life in general has changed. I want to be a better, happier person even if our marriage doesn't work. I've spent a lot of years at a job I hate and that takes a toll on everyone around me. Not excusing anything, it's just the facts. I've always been a good father and tried to be a good husband, the best I knew how at least. The last 6 months I've been a totally different person in a lot of ways. I am more social, more patient, and I leave work at work. Fortunately, I can retire in a few months and start a new career until I can retire for real.

Can you understand why the WAS/WS might not believe these changes? Decades of learning how you are one way, then all of a sudden a major shift? How could you trust the changes are permanent. Actions over a long period of time are key. Just saying this to help you understand her mindset.

It's definitely easy to make changes short term, I am determined to keep at it. I want to lose 25lbs. and keep running for my health. I want these things for me, not her or anyone else.

Easy to say that, but actions over words. Make it happen!

My biggest goal is to GAL. That's what I think I need the most.

GAL is the best way to get your mind of things and become happier.

[LH19]

I expressed my needs many times over the years, but it never changed. I was totally wrong, not doubt.

I am going to disagree with you and say that were not wrong. In a good marriage you express your needs and compromise.

I had been much better in the past few years, but I guess the damage was done.

Even if you do everything 100% perfectly starting today, this is still a months/years-long turnaround.

When you live with someone, there is a huge motivation to keep the peace. Everyone wants peace in their lives. If you blew up over every little thing that happened between you, you would both be miserable.

As such, you push things down and gloss over them as you live together, and the consequence of that is that resentment builds.

If resentment builds too much over time, eventually it becomes "too much" and people start contemplating an exit from the relationship. During this period, the relationship is really "on trial" but the other party is usually totally unaware of it.

Once the trial is over and the person has more or less resolved to leave, you're on the tail end of a year’s long process. It goes "things are overall good, but this stuff is annoying" -> "These things are really annoying but not bad enough that I want to leave" -> "These things are really annoying and I don't know if I can stay" -> "These things are really annoying and now I have to get out"

Unfortunately, in many cases the "annoying things" were never even articulated, or if they were, not with enough gravity. Once the "I need to leave" point is reached, whatever those things are get magnified and new ones get invented to help convince the departing partner that they are making the right choice, fort an act in self-reinforcement which sometimes requires lots of fabrication.

Over time, you have *trained each other* what to expect from the other. She knows how you will react to any given situation, what you will say, how you will act, and she has decided that's not compatible with what she wants.

If you decide you don't want that either, and decide to make a change for yourself, initially she'll think you're just doing it as a gambit to get her back and as soon as she lets her guard down, you'll revert to who you "really are" in terms of who you've trained her that you are.

In order to turn this around she needs to *fully believe* that you've changed, and that you're not doing it just to get her back.