What to do?

[BL42]

MikeP,

Sorry you have a reason to be here but glad you decided to post - this forum has lots of people who know what you're going through and are here to support and advise you.

Married 25 and together 33 years is a long time. That must be extra difficult.

Hang in there - you WILL get through it. I recommend posting regularly - the more you put in the the more experienced posters will respond.

4/2/22 had the talk- I love you but not in love, been talking to someone else, don't think I want to fix things, etc.

Standard boiler plate script. She's high off the attention and her feelings are dwindling for you.

Surprisingly I kept my cool, not something either of us expected.

Impressive. Not many (myself included) do. Keep up that strength.

MY immediate reaction was to try and fix things, apologized for the things I did wrong in the past.

Very common.

Our biggest problem has always been our sex life

In what way? One of you wants it more (I assume you)? Have you started reading books on attraction and sex starved marriages?

and her inability to talk to me, she can't deal with any conflict no matter how small.

Sounds like an area you two need to work on.

After a day passed she decided she would stay and try to fix things.

That's good. More often goes the other way.

End of April I catch her and the guy together at a public park.

It's really hard to stop. Like a drug addict ending use.

She was sorry but didn't think things were going to work, I again kept my cool and convinced her that I was all in for fixing things if she would try.

Not great you had to convince her. She needs to come to this conclusion on her own. Having to convince her is holding on to something too tight.

She wasn't sure and kept seeing him a few nights a week while still living with me and our three kids. She moved into her parents house the first week of May.

What did the kids think? How are they doing?

Kept seeing him but coming home a lot as if things were normal. She even said to me once that she didn't understand why she couldn't just see him and me, like that is a normal thing.

Typical ridiculous selfish WS think.

Finally on Memorial Day weekend I couldn't take it any more mentally. I was lonely, pissed, and had enough. I told her on Sunday morning she had 24 hrs to make a choice, me or him and if it was him I hated to see her go but she needed to get her stuff that week.

Nice! Good for you. You seem stronger than most.

Surprisingly, she ended it with him and came home. I didn't really expect her to move back in that soon but she wanted to.

Again, good she decided this. Better than most sitches. But she needs to really want it and work hard for it. Did you require anything of her to come back, or was it too easy?

I left out the big problem for me, she works with the guy.

I've seen a new job or moving being listed as a requirement for reconciliation by some. I'm no expert here but think it's big trouble if they continue working together. Like the drug user analogy, being readily available makes it extremely tough to "just say no".

I can't help but worry everyday that they are talking again.

That's understandable / reasonable.

She is depressed and won't seek help, and won't go to counseling.

You can't save her - she can only save herself.

She won't socialize with friends anymore, just works and goes to the gym.

Are YOU socializing and going to the gym??? You should be.

She says that there are times when she doesn't want to be at our home, would rather be alone somewhere else.

That sounds honest.

She also expects me to believe that in the 6 months she was seeing him, going to his house 3-4 nights a week, they never had sex.

That's a lie. I'd bet my salary on it. Sorry.

I can't believe it and it bothers me that she won't admit it. Feels like a huge lie hanging over us.

Your gut is right. Sorry. They'll lie to your face and only admit to what they have to.

We have been married 25 years, together 33. We have 3 kids- D23, S17, & D13.

That's a lot of history. I hope you two can work through it.

They don't know about the other man.

They know something's up. They probably know more than you realize. How are they doing? What are they saying about everything?

I feel as if I'm doing all the work, letting her off the hook for everything, and she won't help me get over it.

Sounds like you might be letting her off the hook. Are you ready to stand up and be strong? What do you fear will happen if you do? Are you also prepared to eat up a lot of bad stuff? Because you'll also need to do that if you two are going to get through it. Seems like there's a balance - not sure I'm the expert here.

She says she loves me and wants it to work.

Well again, that's the good news. Far better than most sitches here.

She hates conflict, hates talking about anything involving her emotions, and seems like a stranger at times.

But is she saying that to keep the peace and avoid conflict?

It's hard. I don't know how to deal with the work situation anymore. It bothers me most days.

May be the hardest thing you'll ever go through in life. Stay here and we'll help you through it.

MikeP - What are you doing to better yourself? What are the areas you need to work on? Are you becoming more attractive? Hitting the gym? Socializing?