It is normal to respond through fear. That’s what you’ve been doing probably for many years in your relationship, so it’s normal that you are doing that now.
I empathise as well, because I was in the exact same situation. I’d become accustomed to being beaten into submission, when I had to respond or make a choice I was paralysed with fear.
Every time you get an email, a text, or need to respond to her - notice how your body feels. Instant butterflies in the stomach, increased heart rate, increased respiration, and inability to think about anything else.
These aren’t healthy responses. They’re driven by the amygdala, the reptilian, primal part of your brain that controls flight or fight.
Part of DBing is looking at how how you’ve acted in the past (being weak, scared, and responding through fear) and realising that it’s led you to divorce, so it’s probably not something to keep doing. Try something different, because what you’ve been trying for the last few years hasn’t worked. Have you ever seen the Seinfeld episode called “The Opposite”?
It’s a tough pattern to break. You’re actually doing DB incredibly well for a newbie. But this is something you need to work on.
One thing my brother said which really helped me with this was “Remember, most likely no matter how you respond, she’ll be pissed off. You’re worrying so much about it, but in reality a WW who desperately wants out - you can’t predict how they will react anyway.”
He was dead right.
You spent four hours thinking about what to say…. In five years, do you think your life will be greatly different if you’d responded by saying A, B or C?
If she asked me if I’m getting a lawyer, I’d have said “I haven’t even had time to read it yet. I’m going out for beers tonight!”
As for whether you’re lying or not lying if you don’t tell her - not your problem. I get that you want to be honourable, but she’s a lying cheat who is most likely banging another man behind your back. You owe her nothing, and in fact you owe it to your children to get the best deal possible for their Dad.
Remember, at this point your “marriage” is a business deal gone bad and you’re trying to minimise your $$$ losses. Nothing more, nothing less.
