Living with WAW 3

[DW17]

She asked if I'm getting a lawyer. I wanted to keep it to myself for a bit longer. Guess I gotta say yes now?

[DW17]

Or do I give a vague reply like "I'm trying to process all of this and figure out all of my options."

[Traveler]

What would be consistent with this boundary you set?

The only actual boundary mentioned was that I would only communicate about the kids or finances. My action is that I will not answer a phone call and will only respond to a text if it is about one of those things.

[DW17]

To ignore her.

I guess I was a bit confused because the previous message she sent asking when I was going to review the paperwork was considered a direct question about a business matter. I guess her asking if I'm getting a lawyer would not be considered a direct question about a business matter. Thanks Traveler.

[DnJ]

Hello DW

Like Traveller said, “I’m looking over the documents and will get back to you in a couple of weeks”.

As for being questioned if you are seeking a lawyer. It never does any good do outright lie. I’m sure she realizes how foolhardy it would be to divorce without legal counsel. In my locale without legal representation - unless the divorce is really cut and dried, like 50/50, both make the same money, etc - the courts won’t accept it and will send it back looking for more information. Both sides need to have their own lawyer to petition their divorce to the court.

Also, you will be negotiating. Lying will not be a gain for you in that endeavour.

Being vague might buy you some time. But to what end? Eventually she will learn you have a L. She will then need to get one (which she probably already will have done before all that). And she will likely see it as some breach of trust.

Be upfront and say “Yes, I am going to talk to a lawyer and I suggest you do the same”.

If she pushes and asks why. “Divorce is a complicated and unfamiliar process to me. Lawyers do this for a living, I don’t.”

D

[DW17]

Thanks DnJ. To my knowledge W has no intention of getting a L, has no way to pay for it that I know of, and I believe her intent, as she has said a few times to me is to copy her friend's recent D and work through things together. Her friend and her ex just paid a lawyer $750 to make sure everything was square before filing. I would have no issue with that except I know we won't agree on anything and I would rather sell our house prior to D.

W wants to D, then live together until D18 leaves next Aug/Sep for college. None of that makes sense to me. Then I guess sell the house at that point? I haven't heard of anyone else doing that. If she wants a D, then just leave.

I do see what you're saying about being upfront about it. Custody of my daughter and whatever spousal support/child support I'd be paying is way more important to me than any lawyer fees and
it's weird that W apparently doesn't think so. Or maybe she's just hoping I'll agree to a terrible plan, the same way I was hoping she'd suggest one.

[DW17]

She says she has a right to know so she is not blindsided and has time to prepare.

Traveler would tell me to ignore it, as I set a boundary.

DnJ would say to be upfront and let her know.

I haven't spoken to the L yet other than the initial consultation, so if I do respond, I could say I do not have one at this time and would like to avoid it....

I don't know. I hate this.

[LH19]

Thanks DnJ. To my knowledge W has no intention of getting a L, has no way to pay for it that I know of, and I believe her intent, as she has said a few times to me is to copy her friend's recent D and work through things together.

You very well may be responsible for her lawyer fees.

Her friend and her ex just paid a lawyer $750 to make sure everything was square before filing.

Sounds like she has a smart friend.

I would have no issue with that except I know we won't agree on anything and I would rather sell our house prior to D.

How do you know? Not much to agree on unless you are talking about personal property.

W wants to D, then live together until D18 leaves next Aug/Sep for college.

Why doesn't she stay with mom until then?

None of that makes sense to me.

Why?

Then I guess sell the house at that point?

Do you want to keep the house?

I haven't heard of anyone else doing that. If she wants a D, then just leave.

I lived with my ex for 15 months after she filed.

I do see what you're saying about being upfront about it. Custody of my daughter and whatever spousal support/child support I'd be paying is way more important to me than any lawyer fees and it's weird that W apparently doesn't think so.

Well it's all a calculation you should be able to figure out yourselves.

Or maybe she's just hoping I'll agree to a terrible plan, the same way I was hoping she'd suggest one.

Oh I am sure you will be tested at some point.

[BL42]

DW17,

She asked if I'm getting a lawyer. I wanted to keep it to myself for a bit longer. Guess I gotta say yes now?

This sounds to me like you're struggling a bit in the "nice guy" role and feeling a need to be fully honest and transparent with your W. Remember...she is NOT the W you've known and NOT the person you thought she was. She is lying to you and gaslighting you. It's now a hostile business negotiation, not a caring husband and wife working together doing the best for your family situation. Avoid your natural instinct to be the dutiful H jumping in to take care of her.

I differ with DNJ here. Personally I would not tell her you're consulting an L. Don't outright lie to her face, but also no need to show your cards either IMO. What about responding with "I'd prefer to handle this between us." But...be sure to review any proposal with an L before responding. Better your responses are informed by legal advice and hers are not.

To be honest, your sitch sounds like it's probably heading towards both of you lawyering up anyway...but might as well try to avoid her getting one.

[LH19]

She says she has a right to know so she is not blindsided and has time to prepare.

Tell her dumba$$ that since she is filing you would be responding to the filing and she wouldn't be blindsided.

There is value to trying to keep it civil until you have a settlement.