An IC once told me that one of the advantages of in-person IC is that it's harder for a person to ignore or run from difficult questions. I bet it was hard hearing that we believed you were speaking to your partner as if they were a child to be corrected. That advice was offered with love and the hope that you can make changes and have a healthy relationship. Time's ticking on finding a fulfilling relationship with her. We all have our demons to battle--wishing you luck with yours, and hoping you had a Happy Halloween, with lots of great kiddo time!
Hello everyone. Sorry it has been so long. Sometimes it is so hard for me to get on here. A lot has happened since the last time. I don't even know where to begin. I have had problems with the ex problems with the gf. Sometimes I just want to run away. I know that will not solve anything but I just need a break from it all. UGH. 2 weeks ago had a horrible day. Let me explain... It was 2 Wednesdays ago. It was a day gf and i have therapy. We do it at 2:30. So normally I leave work 5 minutes early to make it on time. My son, I pick up from school at 4:30 (he plays middle school football). Everyday I must get at least 10 phone calls from telemarketers. I never answer unless I know the number. It was 2pm, I was driving home, my phone rings it says public service. I figure another spam call. 2 minutes later the number comes up again, I am thinking, this is a persistent telemarketer. I get home 4 minutes before our appointment with therapist (we do it through the computer). During the session my phone pings that I got a text. I don't look at my phone during session time. I do not want to be distracted. When the session ends at 3:30, I check my phone and its my son. He sent me texts saying practice was cancelled (it was a beautiful sunny day) and that he needed me to pick him up. I text him immediately, where are you? He said he is at his mom's house and that he tried calling me to tell me. The number that i thought was a telemarketer was the school number. He doesn't have a cell phone that he takes to school. S he called me in advance to tell me it was cancelled but i didn't pick up. Now I tell gf what happened and she is annoyed. She is annoyed because she is supposed to meet her friend at the gym, but now I will have to pick up my son from the police station, she doesn't want me to take the baby with me, so she is going to have to miss the gym. She even says why do you have to get him today? Just let him stay with his mom, he is there already and you will see him tomorrow. I said its my day and I would like to see my son. Now she is angry that she wont be able to go to the gym. She won't put the baby in the gym day care either. I text my son, ask mom to bring you to the police station. He said can you ask her. I said sure. Just as I was about to email her, she emailed me, that I didn't pick up our son today, and now she won't be able to bring him to the police station. I tell my gf this, then her whole toon changed. She says she can't do that, its your day. (I am saying this here, now to get even with the ex she is ready to "fight" her.) Gf says call the cops see if they can help you get him. I told her I doubt it, but I will try. The cops said they can go to her house ask for her to release him him, thats it. They can't drag him out of the house. I said thats fine. I meet the cops around the block from the house, gf comes in a separate car. They knock on the door but no one was home. They asked if I wanted to file a report, I said yes to document that i did not get my son on my day. Afterwards, gf and I went out to get some dinner. Everything was fine with us. We get home its around 8:20, she is giving the baby a bath. I check my email and see that the ex sent me another email. This one was about how I didn't answer the phone, how my son is responsibility on my day. Blah blah blah. So I read the email to gf and she says, you should ask your son where they were? I said well I have to call him now anyway. I'll see if he says anything. So, I call him for 3 minutes, literally. Just before I am about to finish the conversation, gf says lets go baby has to come out of the bath with an attitude(everyday I help her get baby out of bath, she can do it, I just like to help) I got off the phone with my son. I said there was no need for the attitude, you just had to ask me like you always do and I would have gotten off the phone sooner, I did not know you were done. She was annoyed that I called my son during baby's bath time and that was supposed to be family time, yet she was the one who told me to ask my son where they were when i called him. She started to go on how I put "them" first,I should have called after bath time. I said you are right I should have waited, I do apologize. Hopefully trying to diffuse the situation, but she kept going. How it was wrong of me to call now, she wants to feel like her and the baby are first. I already apologized, I didn't know what to say anymore. I sadi you are right I don't want to argue anymore. Then she said, oh you are going to dismiss me now!!?? I said no, I made mistake and i apologized for it, I just don't want to argue anymore about this.She just kept going, repeating herself. Finally I snapped and I started to yell at her. To stop, i can't take this arguing anymore. Unfortunately, the baby started to cry (which I feel horrible about) she picked up the baby and ran downstairs and said she is afraid of me. She doesnt want me to hurt her or the baby. Are you kidding me!!!!??? I have never laid a finger on her or the baby. She is trying to push my buttons because my ex did the same thing and knows how much that upsets me, because i would never and I have never. She starts recording me so I take my phone out and start recording too. She is afraid of me yet she now goes back upstirs into the babies room. Telling me not to hurt them. Ugh. Then she started to ramble on about what a terrible person I am. Finally I said if I am this bad and you are this afraid then leave. So, she grabbed the baby and went out into the car. After about 2 minutes Of her sitting in the driveway I went out there to talk to her. She wound up coming back in the house and we spoke for a while...
More to come a lot to digest.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
I'm so sorry, Wolf--it must feel awful to have frightened your baby and had your partner record you to protect herself. The big question is, was this enough to nudge you toward IC? What are you going to do this week and the following weeks to better manage conflict (addressing differences in a productive way) and avoid parenting your equals? How are you going to carve out time to make that a priority like the gym, and who's going to keep you accountable?
That's a tough read. Sounds like you're going through a lot.
At least based on the way you describe it, it seems like GF needs to mature a bit. Unless you promised her you'd take care of bath time and then didn't follow through, especially because of the events of the day with your son, I don't think it's unreasonable for you to take a few minutes to call him while GF is doing bath night with the little one. It almost sounds like you're apologizing in an effort to keep the peace as opposed to really genuinely doing something wrong. I've said this to you before but you're in for a continued rocky road with GF until she accepts that while her and your baby are important you also have two other children that also need to be a priority.
Try to avoid heated interactions but if they happen make sure to keep recording them...she already called the police on you once. You don't want a charge to interfere with your relationship with your baby (or other kids).
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I'm just hoping you can see how inappropriate your girlfriend's behavior is. I know that getting along with her is what you are trying to do for the sake of your baby and I admire that, but don't lose sight of how batsh!t crazy she is.
Honestly? It seems as if she has a plan to leave. She’s building it up with this recording of you being scary and potentially abusive. And she’s alienating you from your son, when you already have been alienated from your daughter.
This is a pretty dire situation. You need to keep your eyes wide open before you lose all of your kids
I know there is going to be some people here telling you to take her on date nights and do all the house work etc. Do not do that. You never reward $hitty behavior when someone is being an a-hole. Start to get your ducks and speak to a lawyer. Just the in the Liam Neeson movie “you are about to be TAKEN”.
I’ll chime in. My thought yesterday was, wow, THIS is a colossal mess! Sadly that’s not helpful but this really is a cautionary tale for others to avoid. She is really psst. At what I’m not sure. At life in general perhaps? At the situation she finds herself in? She’s also very immature and acting like an entitled bbbbbbb. But why? Is that who she is and always was? She’s clearly acting out. It’s not the specific item she’s actually upset about. The item is the excuse to show her anger about what she’s really mad about. She’s not mad about the bath. If she doesn’t want you to have a previous life or previous children, she should have thought about that before.
So now you have two women, who you have children with, really mad at you. It appears history has repeated. Again, why? This is way beyond our job description to deal with. I agree with Ginger, KML, LH, and others. I’d be VERY CAREFUL with her. I’d also not appease and reward her bad behavior. I would try to find out why she’s acting like this. If it’s within your control to address I’d do what I can. If it’s because it’s who she is you may have to cut your losses, again, and get out. Then get a V and do not under any circumstances get into yet another R until you do a huge amount of work on yourself. You chose two really bad women and sitchs and/or helped to create them. Why? How? Once again the biggest losers here are the 3 children.
I’m very sorry for you and all involved but this is BAD. Be very careful. You are going to need to look at this and decide, is this how you want to live the next 17 years until baby is 18? Is this the life you want between now and dead?
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Much of what I wanna say has been said already....
You may hear different words easier than others though...
You both seem to be at such different levels of maturity, however both levels are fairly low to be in a committed relationship, especially one that you are trying to raise a child with. Let alone dealing with "blended" children...
This doesn't seem to be a "we" problem that you are facing....
It seems more like a "you" thing, and a "her" thing.
You have this huge bag of sh!t that you are hauling around from your last failed relationship, and never really dealt with your issues that led to the demise of that....
And she seems to have immense maturity issues that are causing her to spiral downward more each day.
It seems that focusing on "fixing" the relationship is secondary to the amount of work that needs to be done individually.
And I'm not convinced that you each can deal with your specific issues while constrained within the confines of the relationship....
The issues are bigger than that now.
You being triggered and feeling like your old relationship, and acting out the same as with your Ex.
Anything validating from you becomes condescending to her, because your words -IN HER MIND- are not matching your actions.....
You fumble through failed apologies that are empty, because you don't really even understand the depths of what you are apologizing for when you do it. Therefore sounding fake and manufactured simply for an immediate resolve, rather than a long term
Her words are completely matching her level of immaturity, which flusters and triggers you to spiral downward faster than a brick falling off of the top of a tall building....
She is afraid of being a Parent, and that you are going to mirror your marriage, yet she has zero clue how to get to a healthy emotional place to support a real life.
Your focus has turned toward fighting two different people who you have Fathered a child with, and your responses are identical to each, regardless of the relationship status.
When is enough, enough for you ???
When do you look into the mirror and tell that guy that you have had enough of his BS ???
When do you look at him and make a promise to him that YOU need to make some changes in yourself to better deal with this ??
When do you look him in the eyes and tell him that you have blamed other people long enough, and it's time to make some internal changes for himself ??
When do you finally stop holding her accountable for your emotions, decisions, and paralysis by analysis ???
When do you prioritize that guy, so that you can set the example for the future, and break the chain of dysfunction for your children ???
I think that maturity resolve number one would be 'owning' your box of crap....
That you have failed yourself, and believed the lies that you told yourself. Nobody put you into this position except yourself, and to tell you that "I'm sorry you are going through this" is unfair, and allows you to play the victim in all of this.
Own it, and you just might start to move forward from it....
And look, I'm not advocating this relationship ending. You have brought a life into this world together, no matter how F'ed up each of you are.
This deserves your best shot at making those changes and trying to find peace for the future...
There just comes a time when you have to start doing what works instead of continuing this level of insanity of doing the same crap over and over again, while expecting a different result....
What are your priorities in your life ??
In what order do they fall ???
How important is it to you to finally break that chain ???
