Stuck in limbo III

[Doug54]

Appreciate the straight talk, LH. I must say, there have been times when I extrapolated your situation onto my own in totality, which didn't necessarily help my state of mind in getting from one day to the next, but I do appreciate your paying it forward, as you say.

My kids have outgrown Halloween so I just handed out candy.
Bro you are living my old life and I do not envy you. So if I am reading you correctly you do not have the passcode for her phone? Have you asked for it?

No, I don't have it and haven't asked for it. There's no point. She wouldn't give it to me. I think I wrote in one of my first posts that I would have to grab her phone out of her hands while it's open if I wanted to see anything. I don't plan to do that and no one suggested I do so. As far as the phone, you and Mach1 both wrote at one point something along the lines of "Who cares what TF your wife is up to? What are you doing to improve yourself?" and also "Do you want to be sitting on the porch at 80 wondering what if you'd only given W a little bit more time to get her sh*t figured out?" So, I'm not breathing down her neck at this point in time, but I'm not in denial about what she's up to either.

Early on one NYEs at midnight she went into the bathroom after ball drop with her phone for like 15 minutes. Obviously texting someone HNY. I pressed her for her phone and she wouldn’t give it to me. I left and went to my friends. She called and I didn’t answer. She kept calling and I finally answered and I just said “you better fuching call a lawyer” and hung up. The next day she wanted to meet to talk and she offered up her phone and to give me password. My regret now was not to say right then “you are either in or out”. I spent the next 3 years cohabiting with a very unhappy woman which is fun stuff lol. However, on the plus side I got to spend 3 more years with my kids full time. That part of my life is basically a blur now.

Was this New Year's Eve thing before or after you picked up her phone that one day to check the weather and saw that it had a passcode? Was the New Year's Eve texting to the idiot down the street whose marriage was rocky? I'm sure if I said to W today, "You're either in or you're out" she would tell me that she's in, but what would that be worth?

I was like you I don’t think I could have blown out my family. There is no shame in staying for the kids. There is no shame if you get to a point where you had enough. I’m sorry to say though make no mistake about it your w is planning her exit strategy.

LH, would you say your wife is driven and determined? Is she a type A personality? Because my wife is not. I mentioned her struggles with indecisiveness a couple posts above. I could see this situation dragging on for quite a while short of me getting to the point where I've had enough. I struggle with that mightily. My 14-year-old son, who has been challenging at times in the past and didn't do that well in middle school, just got straight A's his first quarter in high school. He is closer to me than my wife, but he still talks to her every day. I have a good fatherly relationship with the younger two boys but there is no question they gravitate to W. I actually think she has done a better job of being a more present and active mom recently, after what I would consider a high water mark of her MLC this past summer. Right now, the thought of pulling the rug out from the kids guts me. At the same time, I have a lot of resentment towards W for the bullshyt she's putting me through. I wouldn't say that I have a big ego (in my own opinion) but it's a tough swallow "allowing" her to be on her phone with some arsehole all this time.

If you’re still having sex she is most likely having an EA. Most women won’t cheat on their APs if it is a real affair.

Ok, so we're still having frequent sex. She initiates it half the time. I'm not going to delude myself that she may well be fantasizing about EA partner during that stuff, but whatever. After 18 years together, I've certainly had some wayward thoughts of my own in my head at one time or another during sexy time. What can I say?

I stay on this board to pay it forward and let people know that their life isn’t over and that the journey is a wild ride and to try to take it all in knowing there are valuable lessons to be learned along the way.

Keep us posted. The holidays can be difficult.

If you or anyone else can chime in about the concept of joint or separate bank accounts... so W and I have had a joint account for quite a long time. I am unsure how to handle this with the breast augmentation approaching. On one hand, I would have recourse if she got the procedure done and then bolted for divorce. I don't necessarily know if I want to be punitive with an immediate move toward getting my paycheck direct-deposited into a different account because W could conceivably go to a lawyer and get a separation agreement drawn up wherein I owe a boatload in child support.
A lot to consider. But even though there are success stories on this board, I don't know what the catalyst would be in which W decides she's ready to re-commit to the marriage. You're right - it [censored] (@ss).