I've heard the "kids are resilient" quite a bit from people too. Wouldn't it be nice if they weren't put into a position to be "resilient" for their family and parents' marriage...
Yes, yes it would.
Back when it all hit the fan in my world, I went looking for data on the effects of divorce on children and longitudinal studies were my goal. I will admit (sheepishly), I was looking for data that supported the resiliency. I NEEDED to know my D's would be ok. I had a very high risk situation involving self harm and suicidal ideation and beyond, so, I was a bit desperate.
I found the Wallerstein study (done over 25 years in Marin CA) and given the limitations in terms of the number of families (somewhere around 50) and it was conducted in a fairly liberal area, I clearly had my own bias going in. What I got was something different. Bottom line, yes the damage is real and in many cases, lifelong.
Can we help our kids...absolutely, but like you said...better to not be put in the position.
Quote
"For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack."
True. The Pack leader is firm. The Pack leader is fair. And, you can only lead from the front. So, if we fail in these things, those we love most, pay the cost.
