I have been pondering... first off, I cannot read this thread and NOT hear the song so, thanks for that. LOL
My work is done....
Coulda been Milli Vanilli...
Originally Posted by Grace_OM
It is really hard to hear our kids pain, whether we are the direct cause of it or not. And memory is fallible. I remember a conversation with one of my D's about an event, and she was angry at me for something surrounding it. We went back and forth for a minute because I remembered it differently. Bottom line, I did not want to be the cause of more pain for her and I was resisting. What happened was I apologized and it changed the dynamic. It might be a game changer for your Son and his Mom, IF she can find it in herself to not need to be right and realize she caused A LOT of pain. I got lucky, maybe she will too. I have encouraged and cajoled my D's to have the relationship they want with their Dad, and well, you know how that's gone so far...Not very far. Keep in mind, I'm still wet behind the ears, so...
I'm glad you made the "IF" really big in that....
She has always been in the 'kids are resilient' camp...
And to a degree, they are. They are also more of a ----they are as resilient as we teach them to be, camp.
I would imagine that the problem now for her is that although they were resilient as kids, now they are young adults. And as we know, we ain't as resilient as we used to be as we get older.
They are trying to fit pieces of the puzzle together on what happened to their lives. Why did this happen, and how did this happen.
It's fairly obvious in talking to him that lies were abundant. When I would explain what I witnessed, there were several "oh schidt, THAT makes sense , and aligns with what I remember"
I hope the dynamic changes for them...
Originally Posted by Grace_OM
There's the rub my friend. You are a bit of a caretaker (LMAO). In my experience, folks like you have to make a concerted effort to make time for themselves. I have also wondered if it isn't a defense mechanism as well. Stay busy helping and you distract yourself. Not that that is always a bad thing, sometimes processing everything takes time.
Bit.....might be an understatement there.
I have been doing better at making time for myself and trying to feed my soul. I'm not even sure what the F that means nowadays. I'm finally eating healthier again, I was thinking over this past weekend...Okay, you are up, showered, and moving about. what else do I expect of myself today ? I'm doing better with trying to get out a bit more, and realized that feeling isolated has little to do with being at home. I can feel that wherever I am. So the DB theory of faking it until I make it is in play for now. I've been finishing some stuff around the house, and even started a couple new things. I'm starting to recognize that I am the person that I wanted to be all along, and I didn't need to break myself down to find that out. I think I said before that when my marriage ended I was broken, and I did the work and found who I was. Since K passed, I'm just heartbroken, and it's a big difference between the two things.
The hobbies that we had, we shared because of a common love for them. Sure, there were things that I did, and things that she did for each other, yet our common things were at the forefront of our life. So breaking those things down to see if it still "fits" has been difficult. I've kinda went back to basics some too. Things that were only mine and for me.
As a defense mechanism, yea, probably to a large degree. That caretaking aspect is hard to just turn off, at least for me. It went from 100mph to ZERO, like Oprah trying to walk past a Twinkie, in the matter of a second. A lot of what I post is about me trying NOT to caretake things. I'm sure that it reads like I am trying to 'do' something about it. In reality, I'm just trying to find MY balance in it, and I am sure that using it as a defense is part of that.
You always make me think my friend.....and I thank you for that....
