I have been pondering... first off, I cannot read this thread and NOT hear the song so, thanks for that. LOL
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IF you made it this far, you win a puppy...
Awesome!! Not purse rats please (no offense intended
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My future wasn't working the way that he had planned it out to be. I packed everything that I owned into my car when I was 19, and moved 6 hours from "home" to be where I am today. ( and not just my location on a map ) And I'm sure that there was a longing for me to live the life that he had lived. Dinner once a week, Saturdays hunting or fishing, and football Sundays. Other than his military service, he had lived his life within a 10 mile square. I think that our biggest obstacle was that the pain over me moving became too great for him, and it became easier for him to distance himself from me to avoid the pain.
I think one of the toughest parts of being a parent is realizing that my children's lives are their own and it isn't my place to "want". I want them to have the life they are dreaming. I imagine that was a tough time and pain plus distance has typically equaled more emotional distance for me, at least for a time. There's a lot to be said that neither of you let it go. That can be really easy to do.
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I dunno, It's hard for me to hear some of it. As much as I wanted to gloat for what I did, I feel horribly for them, and the hill that they have to climb to get where they should have been. I told him that all he could do was to give the effort until he felt that he was sacrificing himself for it, then re-evaluate it and see where he was then. That it's gonna take a lot of work to get through it by BOTH of them....
Also that he was going to have to do the lions share of the work starting out. Because she is oblivious to the damage that has been done in their relationship.
It is really hard to hear our kids pain, whether we are the direct cause of it or not. And memory is fallible. I remember a conversation with one of my D's about an event, and she was angry at me for something surrounding it. We went back and forth for a minute because I remembered it differently. Bottom line, I did not want to be the cause of more pain for her and I was resisting. What happened was I apologized and it changed the dynamic. It might be a game changer for your Son and his Mom, IF she can find it in herself to not need to be right and realize she caused A LOT of pain. I got lucky, maybe she will too. I have encouraged and cajoled my D's to have the relationship they want with their Dad, and well, you know how that's gone so far...Not very far. Keep in mind, I'm still wet behind the ears, so...
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I did join a couple grief groups, and no offense to any of them, I'm not sure that I couldn't lead them. Call me crazy, yet if I am the one supporting and offering ways to go through this, then when is it my turn to grieve ?
There's the rub my friend. You are a bit of a caretaker (LMAO). In my experience, folks like you have to make a concerted effort to make time for themselves. I have also wondered if it isn't a defense mechanism as well. Stay busy helping and you distract yourself. Not that that is always a bad thing, sometimes processing everything takes time.
