Action 2

[Ready2Change]

Please provide input and even examples from your growth if you like.

With my lady, off the top of my head:
1) I listen more than I speak.
2) I maintain eye contact.
3) I think more before making a decision.
4) I say NO more.
5) I lead.
6) I am a safe place for her express her emotions, without reflecting them back.

[Rockon]

Working on 4 and 5.

[Ready2Change]

5) I lead.

Working on 4 and 5.

If you are like the rest of us here, your W does not want to be married to you anymore. She wants to sleep with at least one other man.

How do you give her what she wants?
How do you lead her through this process?
What is the first thing you can take action on?
What is the next?
What is the last?

Are these the only questions to ask yourself?

[Rockon]

I can allow her to experience the natural consequences of her choice as I protect myself by following through with action on my boundary. I can cease contact with her using only email for important matters that need to be communicated without emotion. I can act as if I’m not in the role of her H because she doesn’t want me there.

I can express that divorce and giving up on our marriage is not what I want but I respect that is what she wants. I can lead by being consistent with my core values. If she at some point comes to me and wants to work on our marriage I am willing to listen to what she has in mind.

Other questions for me to ask: have I done everything I need to address this situation? Are there other data that can inform my perspective? Does my W want to share more info with me? Am I stuck? What do I need to accept?

[LH19]

I can allow her to experience the natural consequences of her choice as I protect myself by following through with action on my boundary.

What are your consequences for a broken boundary?

I can cease contact with her using only email for important matters that need to be communicated without emotion.

I would use text.

I can act as if I’m not in the role of her H because she doesn’t want me there.

What does that role look like to you?

I can express that divorce and giving up on our marriage is not what I want but I respect that is what she wants.

You only express that ONCE if she says she wants a divorce.

I can lead by being consistent with my core values.

Is infidelity part of your core values? If not then................

If she at some point comes to me and wants to work on our marriage I am willing to listen to what she has in mind.

Cross that bridge if and when you come to it.

Other questions for me to ask: have I done everything I need to address this situation?

What do you mean?

Are there other data that can inform my perspective?

Huh?

Does my W want to share more info with me?

Huh?

Am I stuck?

Depends on what you mean by stuck.

What do I need to accept?

You old marriage is over, done finished, kapoot. If you have a new one it has to be completely different than the old one.

[Rockon]

I can allow her to experience the natural consequences of her choice as I protect myself by following through with action on my boundary.

What are your consequences for a broken boundary?

This specific broken boundary is that W continues to commit adultery violate our marriage vows and disrespect my limit of monogamy with me. Therefore the consequence is that I protect myself by not engaging in a relationship with her, not reaching out to her, not being there for her, concentrating on me and my life without her.

I can cease contact with her using only email for important matters that need to be communicated without emotion.

I would use text.

Why text?

I can act as if I’m not in the role of her H because she doesn’t want me there.

What does that role look like to you?

H role: honour, protect, lead, provide, serve, love, respect, be intimate with, build a life together

I can express that divorce and giving up on our marriage is not what I want but I respect that is what she wants.

You only express that ONCE if she says she wants a divorce.

Ok

I can lead by being consistent with my core values.

Is infidelity part of your core values? If not then................

NO 100% not. Then, we are done without confession, and change.

If she at some point comes to me and wants to work on our marriage I am willing to listen to what she has in mind.

Cross that bridge if and when you come to it.

Right

Other questions for me to ask: have I done everything I need to address this situation?

What do you mean?

Is there anything I am missing to protect myself and my integrity? Have I taken appropriate action?

Are there other data that can inform my perspective?

Huh?

I can potentially address the place I am in life better with more and better information, learning etc.

Does my W want to share more info with me?

Huh?

She has given me all the info I need. Maya Angelou: “ when someone shows you who they are, believe them”

Am I stuck?

Depends on what you mean by stuck.

Am I giving up power, stalling on important action and sitting in a holding pattern?

What do I need to accept?

You old marriage is over, done finished, kapoot. If you have a new one it has to be completely different than the old one.

Accurate.

This is really hard. These questions are hard but necessary.

[Mach1]

Mach:

This list describes me and who I have worked hard to be in my marriage, life, work, relationships.

I want to be this man.

Points 5 and 7 have been particular points that I have found difficult because I have resorted to control out of fear and am trying to not be that way anymore.

Point 10 is difficult because of pain and rejection.

Bonus point answer is “YES” but I do not yet have any evidence for W’s intention to do this.

You answered that pretty quickly....

That is if you were to compare a lifetime of building behavioral patterns from within them.

You may be correct in your assessment. I don't know you other than what you put on here.

I personally think that you are a pretty decent guy that is scared schidtless right now....


If I were to ask you those same questions, and you only applied them to behaviors displayed during your marriage.

Would those answers still be true ??



There are 2 ways of doing this Rock....

You can work through a failed marriage, and become whole, for the next relationship that you have ( which BTW, could possibly be with your current spouse).

OR

You can work toward just being a divorced guy working toward his next failed relationship...


Those are your choices....




So I will leave you with a couple more questions....



What are you so afraid of right now ???


Are you a person that you would want to have a relationship with ???





Oh...and BTW....

Bonus point answer is “YES” but I do not yet have any evidence for W’s intention to do this.

Make sure that you aren't holding her accountable for your actions and emotional decisions....

[Rockon]

Everyone please keep challenging me and don’t give up on me. Call me out.

I am trying to engage honestly but maybe I’m not used to facing these things.

Mach:

I am scared and pretty decent and nice but I have failed in my marriage and have lost my wife. One of the things I have often done poorly, is resort to control out of fear.

I have been afraid in our marriage if my wife’s emotional distress and her conflicts with our eldest daughter for example, so I would try to control our daughter and fix their conflicts sometimes.

Ok let’s look at the list in the context of my behaviours in our marriage:

1. This has improved with maturity and as I have looked past my biases to see that I still have to overcome judgment. Naturally, I have often resort to judgment when I don’t understand or approve of something that scares me, but I have sincerely sought to appreciate a merciful and restorative lens to love and accept my wife without judgment. I’m still working on this, but it is coming more.
2. I am sometimes honest but I have often suppressed honesty and been dishonest with my wife instead of standing up for myself and what is important and what is right. I was dishonest for a period of time when I was afraid of judgment from my wife regarding how I spent time, money and energy: watching lots of sports, junk food/fast food etc. instead of owning up to this is what I did, this is what I am deciding to do, this is what I need to change I hid for a period. I had changed that approach to be honest responsible and accountable after my 30’s. Also I was not often honest in standing up to W when she made comments of contempt or disrespect or insulting to me.
3. Yes
4. Yes
5. Not always especially when I am afraid.
6. Yes
7. Yes to a certain degree but as I am going through treatment for ptsd and the breakdown in my marriage I am healing to be able to do this more, go through the pain, be vulnerable about it with safe trustworthy solid friends and therapists
8. Yes though again, I am learning to check my motives, intentions, and methods to determine what Am I trying to achieve, to benefit whom, what ways am I using manipulation?
9. Yes
10. Yes I have done this well at times and others not because I have given into resentment at times. Yet I am continuing to grow in this. One thing I recognize is that I am patient. Patience has been produced in me through suffering and growth and persistence.


Bonus: Yes

I want to do the work well for option 1 - work through this failed marriage , learn, become whole and ready for a healthy relationship including the possibility of healing with W.

I am afraid right now of giving up, only half a$$ing the opportunity for learning and growth I have been presented with and failing and failing again and again.

I am afraid of W’s emotional distress

Yes I am a person I would want to have a relationship with. Having said that, I want to be more courageous to face my character flaws and failures and use my time to be a stronger man. I want to totally move away from controlling others. I want to be courageous and confident to deal with things effectively.


A couple questions (out of so many that I have about my quest for growth and need for healing:

Please help me to understand what you mean in these sentences :
1. “That is if you were to compare a lifetime of building behavioural patterns from within them”

How I interpret this is as so: if I were to consider a person who invested a lifetime building behaviours patterns from within these points, how would the way that people experience that person compare to how my wife has experienced me in our marriage?

2. “Make sure that you aren’t holding her accountable for your actions and emotional decisions.”

My take: make sure I don’t chameleon and act differently and make different emotional decisions based upon how W behaves or treats me

Thank you for your time and care .

[BL42]

Rockon,

Has your W reached out any more? If so, how are you handling it differently?

[Rockon]

She has reached out yes asking stuff about our kids and also about the house reno. I have not been answering too quickly but I have responded briefly.

Then she sent this, “I want to let you know that I am really trying to have a friendship with you.”

Not sure how to respond to that.