The only real help you need to make it clear, solid, boundaries and being hard-core about what you want and need. People respond to that. Being an emotional chameleon, "trying" to be detached doesn't work. Set boundaries, set ultimatums. This is hard, but, it helps avoid all the back and forth. Does she want to be married to you or not? Thus far she said she wants a separation or a divorce. Act on that. If you want something else, state it. You can say, "If you want to work on this marriage, fine, if you don't, I have some decisions to make in the next few weeks." Strength and clarity are attractive.
The longer this drags on, the weaker your position becomes. You will compromise, make yourself smaller, meet her needs and then she'll walk all over you. Don't wait for her to act. Time to take control back.
Originally Posted by LH19
In my experience, unless you are a complete jerk, changing yourself, becoming your "best" self, doing 180's don't really last. Eventually you will revert to who you basically are. I've seen it on these boards before - intense personal change that lasts for 12, 18 or 24 mos and then you slip back. Sorry to say this, but it's inevitable. The divorce gets busted and then, 2 yrs later they are back on the boards and the marriage is toast. Personal change is super hard. If you're wife doesn't like who you are, might as well end it sooner than later. Again, if you're a real jerk and need serious help, get it. If you're just a normal guy, you aren't going to turn into superman. You can't save this marriage alone. Two people need to compromise and work at it. You will hear in the forums that 180's and being solution oriented are really just emergency measures to get their attention. GAL is for your own sanity. The real hard work of repairing a marriage is 50/50 and In the end, she has to want the marriage as much as you do.
Originally Posted by Mach1
IMO...That is because the changes are made with the sole intention of just getting their marriage back.
All of that needs to be done with the intent of doing it ONLY for yourself. Because YOU don't like those things about you.
You cannot be authentic, with someone else's playbook.
Real change takes courage in the face of adversity, and you have to be willing to make the changes based on just purely being your authentic self. No lies, No BS...just who you are at your core.
Change only for her or the marriage ?
Yea, better save your password for here.
While I like your list above, they are all things that only becoming your true self can change.
A lot of those guys up there LH, came here and made a half a$$ attempt at DBing just so that they could relieve their guilt over their crappy behavioral patterns.
"Well, I did the DB thing and it didn't work out, so now I can revert back to being a controlling, insensitive, manipulative asshat, and this doesn't work at all"
DBing , done right, can change a person to their core, and realize the potential within...
Regardless the outcome of the marriage...
We all arrived here with a certain set of tools in our toolbox, and we did the best we could with the tools that we had to work with. DBing is about upgrading our tools, so that we don't make the same mistakes again. While you don't need a $500 drill to build a birdhouse, you certainly can't drill through concrete with a screwdriver. Try them all out, and see what works for you...
You have the time, use it to take inventory, and see if you can build for your future.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
