What most new male posters here do not understand until it is too late, is that the rules of the game have changed.
We all say it different ways. "You can't nice her back" and "You are being too soft" ect.
She has lost her attraction for you. If you want any chance of salvaging this marriage, the best thing to do is change your behavior by 180 in every way possible that is more attractive to women in general. Increase you masculine and decrease your feminine traits.
Gaining her respect is high on the list of the many things that has to happen. How do you gain respect? List out the top ways you believe will gain you respect. We can then give you feedback.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Ok this is concrete and I think you men can help me and poke holes where I am not hitting the mark.
Earn and gain respect: 1. Be decisive. Don’t ask permission (except of course respect boundaries consent rights etc). Act get it done. Make a plan and do it well. 2. Stop begging or pleading. Don’t offer or accept cheap efforts at intimacy or being second fiddle. 3. Be confident 4. Have some strong friends and be a strong friend. 5. Don’t show off or be childish. 6. Take responsibility and be accountable. 7. Don’t try to nice a woman into liking you. 8. Have goals. Plot a course, prepare well, navigate effectively and invite a woman into that. 9. Respond don’t react. Be emotionally safe. 10. Stand up for yourself. Show people how to treat you.
This is off the top of my head. Please provide input and even examples from your growth if you like.
Act as if she’s not my W. move on stand up and say, “I don’t tolerate being treated that way (if I’m insulted or disrespected),” and leave the convo/situation. So in her case, I can treat her like a community member or a neighbour, like the way I would treat a bank teller. Be civil and mature about it and recognize the boundaries and limitations of the relationship.
My boundaries and limitations in this relationship: No cheating.
I have to challenge you on this one...is her cheating truly a boundary? If so, how do you plan to enforce it? Because you know she did cheat, right? Saying it's a boundary is only words; what is your action in response?
Originally Posted by Rockon
Loyalty, fidelity, trust and respect are paramount and required by me.
All four of those are very reasonable values to look for in any relationship, and especially a marriage.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I need to be treated as a priority by my W. That my W goes to me for joy and adventure and not just when she wants me to do something for her.
You can't make your W treat you as a priority. This is out of your control. Especially in your current situation.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I need to prioritize my own needs.
Yes, that's the right attitude. This IS something you can control. Now do it.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Her cheating IS TRULY a boundary. I plan to enforce this by changing the way I interact and relate to her. So I will need to not be in the role of H. My action response will be to contact a lawyer and learn about my rights and actions in a broken down marriage.
Her cheating IS TRULY a boundary. I plan to enforce this by changing the way I interact and relate to her. So I will need to not be in the role of H. My action response will be to contact a lawyer and learn about my rights and actions in a broken down marriage.
I need to act to protect my self respect.
How are you going to change the way you interact with her?
Seeing a lawyer is smart but is not a consequence of breaking the cheating boundary unless you actually put him to work.
