Yep unfortunately a lot of people use OLDing for validation instead of what it is intended for which is also part of the problem.
Returning tonight from Chicago and listening to my fav national radio phycologist when she said, not referring to OLD but just in general, though it still very much applies - dating when you’re not ready to commit to and work on an R is just mean and cruel. Most women OLD are not looking for a buddy to do things with. Too many guys and women too go there looking to take their minds off their current sitch. They may not even know it themselves. But they are not ready. They have no business dating. She was responding to a caller with a BF in this place but it applies to so many OLD.
It really is not fair to someone you may start to date when you’re not really ready. If you’re really looking for just a buddy to do things with, OLD is probably not the place.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Thnx for the advice on OLD everyone. I will take it, and apply it.. Hopefully I can start truly GAL when I get back to home.. This travel job I have had for years, imho, is nothing more than a way to run from everything I was dealing with at home, I use the term home loosely.. Divorce is/was so Final.. Never wanted it to end. Been months now, and I have still not moved forward. Took her several years to move on too, so i know its not a quick thing to happen, and its not simple. One thing always on my mind, big one, is why she could never forgive me.
Thnx for the advice on OLD everyone. I will take it, and apply it..
What advice are you taking?
Originally Posted by Mach40
Hopefully I can start truly GAL when I get back to home.. This travel job I have had for years, imho, is nothing more than a way to run from everything I was dealing with at home, I use the term home loosely..
If you want your feelings to change you need to really start to GAL. IMO the people who struggle years down the roads still analyzing their M stink at GAL.
Originally Posted by Mach40
Divorce is/was so Final.. Never wanted it to end.
Nope. No one here on this board wanted it to end. I think you really need to dig down and figure out why 3 years later you are still struggling. When you do you will figure out this has nothing to do with your ex.
Originally Posted by Mach40
Been months now, and I have still not moved forward.
I think it's been years Mach.
Originally Posted by Mach40
Took her several years to move on too, so i know its not a quick thing to happen, and its not simple.
I think she moved on a really long time ago.
Originally Posted by Mach40
One thing always on my mind, big one, is why she could never forgive me.
Because she didn't want to forgive you. She didn't want to be married to you anymore and that was her ticket out placing the blame on you.
I guess I was not aware it’s been three years Mach. It seemed like it was more like months. Perhaps that’s a clue. But also I remember doing sone brief and frankly useless C shortly after my D where the C said she just talked with someone who said it took them 5 years to fully return back to “normal”. I’ve also long heard that the longer you are together the longer it takes. I’ve heard one formula as 1 year for every 3 years together.
So don’t be too hard on yourself. It takes time, it really does. But also it’s what you do with that time - not just that time itself heals. Time heals nothing by itself but it does take time to heal. So don’t be hard on yourself. OTOH LH is accurate you need to change some things up and GAL. You can be happy with or without a woman. But getting a woman in your life is not the answer to bring happy. You need to do that in your own and then a partner will only make it better.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I guess I was not aware it’s been three years Mach. It seemed like it was more like months.
Mach40 could speak better to the timeline, but believe he started posting nearly two years ago and they had already been separated for 3 years at that point yet hadn't followed up on the legal process yet, so it's been 5 years at this point.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
The problem with standing/waiting is that her starting to date was probably like the B all over again. That is why GAL is so important because eventually your life is so great it doesn’t matter either way. The second most important thing is learning to be happy alone. That way you can walk away from anything that doesn’t work for you.
I guess I was not aware it’s been three years Mach. It seemed like it was more like months. Perhaps that’s a clue. But also I remember doing sone brief and frankly useless C shortly after my D where the C said she just talked with someone who said it took them 5 years to fully return back to “normal”. I’ve also long heard that the longer you are together the longer it takes. I’ve heard one formula as 1 year for every 3 years together.
So don’t be too hard on yourself. It takes time, it really does. But also it’s what you do with that time - not just that time itself heals. Time heals nothing by itself but it does take time to heal. So don’t be hard on yourself. OTOH LH is accurate you need to change some things up and GAL. You can be happy with or without a woman. But getting a woman in your life is not the answer to bring happy. You need to do that in your own and then a partner will only make it better.
The problem with standing/waiting is that her starting to date was probably like the B all over again. That is why GAL is so important because eventually your life is so great it doesn’t matter either way. The second most important thing is learning to be happy alone. That way you can walk away from anything that doesn’t work for you.
Yes it was. Worst part is daughters knew. FIL, Sil, Bil. Nobody said a thing.
The absolute saddest part of all my problems, mine, was IC didnt help a smidgen compared to this site. If I had had this site, the books etc on initial issue, we would still be married. I had zero support, knowledge, family, or friends that offered help. Even my Mother knew we had issues as wife spoke to her. Dang. Just damn.
Paperwork finally processed for the divorce through the county.. Ex sent an email saying she was given the choice of returning to her Maiden name. She wanted me to know her reasons she would change back, due to loss of Mom and of course when her Dad passes. The name wont be with anyone. She said, due to her business name, she more than likely wont, but just wanted me to know. That hurt.
