So, today I have 2 conversations going, and 12 likes... Hmm. The likes are faded, so I have to pay to see them.. The other two are very cordial.. I like how it lets her make the first contact via messaging. Less pressure on her.
And, The triggers suck, that is the easiest way to say it.. After so many years with one person, everything you see and touch is something both have seen and touched together.. I hope I can learn to compartmentalize them away.. On a good note, my trip to Bandera with daughter is set up for first week of Nov. Horseback riding, Maybe some line dancing.. Of course, spending time with her is priceless. I feel she is making an effort to maintain relations with me. She doesnt have to, but she is keeping me relevant in her life. Simple stuff, like lunch, dinners, and other events like the Rodeo we went to.
So, today I have 2 conversations going, and 12 likes... Hmm. The likes are faded, so I have to pay to see them.. The other two are very cordial.. I like how it lets her make the first contact via messaging. Less pressure on her.
And, The triggers suck, that is the easiest way to say it.. After so many years with one person, everything you see and touch is something both have seen and touched together.. I hope I can learn to compartmentalize them away.. On a good note, my trip to Bandera with daughter is set up for first week of Nov. Horseback riding, Maybe some line dancing.. Of course, spending time with her is priceless. I feel she is making an effort to maintain relations with me. She doesnt have to, but she is keeping me relevant in her life. Simple stuff, like lunch, dinners, and other events like the Rodeo we went to.
Wouldn’t that put more pressure on her? So what is your goal of OLDing in Alaska when you don’t live there? Mach triggers will be there for awhile. If I see a happy family together it sometimes triggers me. Mach no one is ever required to be in a relationship with anyone. They are by choice.
After so many years with one person, everything you see and touch is something both have seen and touched together.. I hope I can learn to compartmentalize them away..
It’s more accepting than compartmentalizing.
Yes, near everything you see and touch has memories associated with it. The immutable past. Your past. One which was shared. In time, you will find a way to sit and smile with you memories.
When fresh after bomb drop the path forward is focusing on self, limiting going down memory lane, GAL, and so on. It’s part of detaching, finding indifference, and letting go. One slowly accumulates ee memories and things touched sans their spouse, and thus builds their new life.
As time passes, indifference unwinds and “old” feelings return. As one heals more and more; their feelings and memories rise up more and more.
More time passes, one keeps moves forward - gal, working, exercising, hobbies, etc.; does their inner work; reconciles them self and their beliefs; and acceptance of the lost past is gained.
Eventually events and scenarios that once triggered you, become pleasant reminders. Our emotional response to, and feelings associated with the scenario alter. A personal example is Thanksgiving supper. Having everyone around the table, laughing, talking, and eating far too much , reminds me more of the lifetime of Thanksgiving suppers, more than that fateful one.
Acceptance is a significant shift of one’s perspective. Same event, triggering or just a reminder. Inner work and time leads to the later.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
So, today I have 2 conversations going, and 12 likes... Hmm. The likes are faded, so I have to pay to see them.. The other two are very cordial.. I like how it lets her make the first contact via messaging. Less pressure on her.
And, The triggers suck, that is the easiest way to say it.. After so many years with one person, everything you see and touch is something both have seen and touched together.. I hope I can learn to compartmentalize them away.. On a good note, my trip to Bandera with daughter is set up for first week of Nov. Horseback riding, Maybe some line dancing.. Of course, spending time with her is priceless. I feel she is making an effort to maintain relations with me. She doesnt have to, but she is keeping me relevant in her life. Simple stuff, like lunch, dinners, and other events like the Rodeo we went to.
Wouldn’t that put more pressure on her? So what is your goal of OLDing in Alaska when you don’t live there? Mach triggers will be there for awhile. If I see a happy family together it sometimes triggers me. Mach no one is ever required to be in a relationship with anyone. They are by choice.
I wasnt putting pressure on either to date. The App uses my location via web browser or phone location, and I couldnt get it to go to Charleston. I tried, vpn too, to log in as close as I could. I am only in AK for 3-4 days.. Next summer I will be here for about 8 weeks, that might be better. I will figure it out, it was only my first day trying to tweak settings. Both of them just conversed with me. No dates, but it was nice that someone contacted me. As far as Triggers, I will research and take everyones advice here. My biggest one is the house, furniture, everything... Just have to push through it.. As far as a relationship, not sure I do want one, or just a friend that is female to keep my mind off of things.. ( not using a person, but a genuine friend to do things together, kill time and enjoy life)
After so many years with one person, everything you see and touch is something both have seen and touched together.. I hope I can learn to compartmentalize them away..
It’s more accepting than compartmentalizing.
Yes, near everything you see and touch has memories associated with it. The immutable past. Your past. One which was shared. In time, you will find a way to sit and smile with you memories.
When fresh after bomb drop the path forward is focusing on self, limiting going down memory lane, GAL, and so on. It’s part of detaching, finding indifference, and letting go. One slowly accumulates ee memories and things touched sans their spouse, and thus builds their new life.
As time passes, indifference unwinds and “old” feelings return. As one heals more and more; their feelings and memories rise up more and more.
More time passes, one keeps moves forward - gal, working, exercising, hobbies, etc.; does their inner work; reconciles them self and their beliefs; and acceptance of the lost past is gained.
Eventually events and scenarios that once triggered you, become pleasant reminders. Our emotional response to, and feelings associated with the scenario alter. A personal example is Thanksgiving supper. Having everyone around the table, laughing, talking, and eating far too much , reminds me more of the lifetime of Thanksgiving suppers, more than that fateful one.
Acceptance is a significant shift of one’s perspective. Same event, triggering or just a reminder. Inner work and time leads to the later.
D
DNj, Thnx, Time, GAL, exercise, etc are the main ingredients in helping going forward. Doing as much as I can to keep busy, will keep me focused on me and healing.. Its easy to sit and dwell sometimes, especially on the road. My crew doesnt like to do much at all.. The next few months I have all the holidays, 2 birthdays to deal with. It will bring about memories, triggers etc and sense of loss. Makes sense. Daughters and I spoken, and it involves separate days with me. Ex wanted to have them altogether as I have said before. Nope, not ready, just not ready to face that. As she said the girls told her they want normalcy. Well, that ship sailed when she and I split. I am hoping I can work this through as efficiently as possible. I hate this gutted feeling.. I read a article explaining how the brain process pain/hurt more efficiently than pleasure/happiness. It does it to protect itself from future pain/hurt. Makes a person more guarded, instinct. And two chemicals are put into your body when hurt, vice not hurt as its another set of chemicals... I wish I could subdue that feeling... Breathing helps.. Maybe meditation will help..
I hate this gutted feeling.. I read a article explaining how the brain process pain/hurt more efficiently than pleasure/happiness. It does it to protect itself from future pain/hurt. Makes a person more guarded, instinct. And two chemicals are put into your body when hurt, vice not hurt as its another set of chemicals... I wish I could subdue that feeling... Breathing helps.. Maybe meditation will help..
Yes, the default process is to guard against future possible pain(s). Touching a hot stove is usually done only once, and one becomes guarded to that. Fear plays into that process. Fear of hurt.
With heartache and heartbreak the default tends towards hardening against the hurt. Guarding against a possible future heartache. As said, it is the default. However, you are master and commander of your ship. You control you, and you can influence you. My advice, let go the fear, and keep your heart soft and squishy. That goes counter to one’s instinctive protective mechanism; it’s like touching the stove again.
Seeking better and not bitter, letting go fears, being open and vulnerable, takes purposeful thoughts and actions. In time, those actions and thoughts influence and accumulate and take hold within. It then becomes. Or more accurately - you become.
Breathing does help. Finding calm helps. Not trying to force the process, rather gently steering it, helps. A lot of answers will reveal themselves when you are calm. And for questions you may not even realize you were considering.
That, is a big part of this. The changes and influences affect your subconscious self. You only control your conscious self, which influences that below the surface stuff. Being at peace allows the hidden things to reveal.
The mind is incredible powerful. In fact, it creates and provides your reality. Everything you experience your mind interprets and alters your world view. Therefore, something you can do - be accurate in thought and heart. Words have power! Your mind is always listening. What you say, your mind will make reality.
Originally Posted by Mach40
I hate this gutted feeling..
And your mind will reinforce that feeling of hate. (And you don’t want to feel hate towards your path. Be better, not bitter.)
It is good to acknowledge what we feel, however try not to tie more feelings to it.
For example: I just feel so gutted.
You’ve acknowledged the hurt and not muddy the waters. It is easier and faster to find one’s way through the bog when things are less stirred up.
Originally Posted by Mach40
I wish I could subdue that feeling...
One does not conquer their feelings. One finds understanding of them. That’s basically what acceptance is, emotional understanding.
Feelings are fleeting. Merely temporary. Extinguishing rather quickly, unless reinforced.
Thoughts are even speedier. And are directly controllable by us.
Beliefs, values, convictions. Those are slow to change. It is this property that make them excellent headings for life.
It’s our thoughts and feelings and actions that influence our beliefs. And one’s belief system is the underpinning for everything about them.
Part of our inner work is examining our convictions/beliefs. Strengthen those that serve; craft those you aspire to; and alter or discard those that do not serve. (It is surprising what one believes after being discarded by one’s spouse.)
What we do and say, if done often enough, we will eventually believe. Ensure it serves. Don’t want to come to believe you hate something. It’s that unintentional reinforcement, that unrealized power over self that skews one’s path away from their desired goals. Of course, now you know better.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Why does the friend have to be female to keep your mind of things?
Yep unfortunately a lot of people use OLDing for validation instead of what it is intended for which is also part of the problem.
Mach I think you need to work some of this stuff out with a therapist.
Not sure, but I have always had more friends that are female. Might be due to having two sisters and me being in the middle. Who knows. I am more relaxed around women, if that makes sense. What kind of therapy do I need? Last few I had didnt seem engaged in solving anything about post separation, etc.
I think you need to have someone help you let go. More importantly I think you need some male friends.
Well, I hope going to the Church I plan to go to gets me going with positive people, and functions etc. Cars n Coffee and other car shows are some events I will go to.. Starting out with baby steps..
, reminds me more of the lifetime of Thanksgiving suppers, more than that fateful one.