I've been meaning to respond, but there's a lot to unpack here...
I must've forgotten she was previously married, but I see you mentioned that in your first post on the forum. I think this is the first time you talked about not being attracted to her and exploring cheating on her early in the marriage though.
Originally Posted by Mach40
My wife has not forgiven me. She straight up said she has never forgiven me for Hawaii. Hawaii was 2005-2010 era ( Married 2004 went on US Navy deployment, came back moved them all to Hawaii).
You're referring to 5 of the first 6 years being rough, which is certainly not a good foundation - typically the early years are easier / more fun, no? The honeymoon and fun period until issues start hitting down the road?
Originally Posted by Mach40
Hawaii was a sexless, or very low sex marriage. She thought I was low T. Reality was I was not sexuality excited by her.
So it was low sex due to you, and not her?
Originally Posted by Mach40
Before we were married she did all the stuff you normally do, look good for your person you are trying to attract. After we got to Hawaii, she rarely did anything to make herself attractive.
It's common for people to get lazy, but major issues so soon in the marriage is a red flag for the long run.
Originally Posted by Mach40
eventually reached out to escorts. I never did follow through, as the guilt factor kicked in real hard. And by shear stupidity I signed up for Ashley Madison and canceled same day. She found the charge.
That's a tough one. Exploring prostitutes and signing up for cheating websites had to be a blow to her, even if you didn't do anything physical.
Originally Posted by Mach40
I never cheated on her.
Sounds like you did cheat on her mentally and emotionally checked out of the marriage early, even if there wasn't one particular AP.
Originally Posted by Mach40
The other main issue was constant fighting with my oldest step daughter. It caused allot of problems, anger issues etc. I went to counseling for that, and again, did nothing to show me how to work through this. SD never went to counseling. Why were you fighting? You said this in your first post on the forum "and me toxic and abusive mentally to one child, my oldest step child". What was that about? Was there an element of "you're not my real dad" going on?
[quote=Mach40]So, when I returned from Hawaii, wife was already having an EA ( sort of ) with mail orbiter who was her friend from HS
Sounds like you both were looking for an escape early on.
Originally Posted by Mach40
.. I think he influenced her to stay for the kids, its a gut feeling.
Geez. Hard to give an EA partner credit for anything, but if he influenced her to stay in the marriage that's better than many.
Originally Posted by Mach40
The only positive is my Daughters love me fiercely , according to ex, MIL ( RIP) and FIL.
Having daughters and grandkids, especially ones who love you dearly, is a pretty good silver lining to any bad situation.
Mach40 - Sounds like you and your ExW both made some big mistakes in the relationship, but here's the thing...no one can change the past. You can only move forward and make improvements for a better future. Take full advantage of your strong relationship with your daughters and grand kids - not everyone has that - and work to make yourself and your life the best they can be. You most likely have years and decades of life to live. You have every opportunity to enjoy them to the fullest. I know it's tough, but don't dwell too much on the past and when you do use it as fuel to make a better future.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Hey BL42, Her previous marriage was bad, real bad. I know I triggered her with my actions. I regret it.. Low sex was not initially due to me, I wanted it. But, the rules, times, kids must be asleep, late at night only was kind of a turn off.. Made me feel a little rejection. I appreciate your straight talk. I never thought I cheated on her. I never actually engage in anyone other than trying to communicate with women. Not good, but, compared to what her ex did, I guess she just was rightfully upset.. To say the least. I think my actions created her actions later.. So many years after the fact, and no forgiveness. If we had better counseling, better family and friends, communication, I probably wouldnt need to be here. This site, and the people here have awakened me.. Damn.. One day, she needs to be told that I apologize for everything, and when that day happens, I hope she will forgive me. Thats the closure I would like. But for now, I cant be her friend, husband, or anything. I have to focus on me, my girls and grand kids. On a side note, why dont family and friends reach out to both parties in a relationship and try to help..
Mach you are being way to hard on yourself. The reason you are here is not because you made a mistake and signed up for Ashley Madison. People typically leave a relationship for one of two reasons. Loss of attraction or they don’t see a happy future together. The rest is just semantics.
I do feel responsible, and I never wanted to ever hurt her. I knew her past, previous marriage etc. And yet, I sorta mentally hurt her.Nobody deserved that.
I agree and you didn’t deserve her hurting you. You can’t be with someone for 30 years and not hurt or disappoint them from time to time. Marriage is about forgiveness. You want to take the blame thats cool. I think you are being naive to think this is on you. But that’s just me. I think it’s clear what happened.
I do feel responsible, and I never wanted to ever hurt her. I knew her past, previous marriage etc. And yet, I sorta mentally hurt her.Nobody deserved that.
Well you can post it a thousand times and it doesn’t change how I feel.
Lesson here when something isn’t work for you than you communicate it to the person. If you can’t come to a mutual agreement than you walk away from the relationship before you start looking for other avenues.
Well you can post it a thousand times and it doesn’t change how I feel.
Lesson here when something isn’t work for you than you communicate it to the person. If you can’t come to a mutual agreement than you walk away from the relationship before you start looking for other avenues.
Yep, communication was a huge failure for the both of us..
