Focusing on you, GAL, etc, are all tools to help you work towards detachment; as well as many other positive goals.
Detaching is the single most best thing you can do for your situation. To that end, I find it helps to understand what emotional detachment/attachment is.
In these situations, the LBS is uncontrollably dragged round by their feelings. Feelings that are uncontrollable triggered by their spouse’s words, actions, behaviours, etc. It is the uncontrollable aspect that makes it attachment and it hurt so very much.
Detachment is not being dragged around by whatever your spouse does or says. Think of this like a car you are tied to. Let go, or be dragged.
Detachment is not the ceasing of your emotions, that is indifference and comes after detachment. With detachment you will still feel hurt, sad, angry, and such; just not uncontrollably. You are able to shore up your emotions, and let them out at more convenient times. By the way, that is a very important part, scheduling say five or ten minutes to have a good cry when you wake up, then get up, shower, and go about your day. Most likely need to have a few schedule times in a day for a while until you can whittle those down to one and eventually none.
You control you. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions. That’s it. And with those three, you exert influence over everything else. As was said, right now this is a battle between intellect and emotions. You cannot direct control your emotions, only influence them. So you control thoughts and actions.
This is basically rationalizing the triggers of those emotions. For example, feelings of dread from perhaps having to lead a single life. Whenever you think about being single, or some actions from W brings that to the fore, you are triggered to feel dread. You have a tied between dread and being single. Rationalizing this tie, uncouples the feeling from the initiating thought or action.
There are a few ways to rewire, well more accurately unwire, triggers. Continuing our example, purposefully think about being single while doing an enjoyable activity. Say you’re out for a nice stroll or run. Out in the sunshine and just enjoying it. Thinking about being single then will have less “dragging” power, and you start to tie the current enjoyment feeling to being single. This will counteract and dissuade the feelings of dread.
Another tactic is to explore the possible future event (being single) when fully engaged intellectually. Seeing how it is not all doom and gloom. Seeing some of the benefits of the single life. This limits emotional response and really works to sever that tie to the the trigger.
The emotional journey takes time. Time is your best friend and best ally during all this. (I know it doesn’t feel like it right now.)
Feelings are fleeting. They initiate quickly and extinguish quickly. Unless they are reinforced.
Lots of times our emotions get caught up in a feedback loop. Pretty well known one is fight or flight. You know, a tiger attacks, and we gain an uncontrolled boost to fight or flee. An evolutionary life saving adaption. BD is a huge emotional stressor and one’s fight or flight mechanism kicks right into high gear. And stays there. So much adrenaline for so long; loosing weight; lack of sleep. Problem is, the “tiger” hasn’t been around for weeks/months; yet we are still stuck in that mechanism. Struggling.
One cannot detach when they are tightly hanging on.
Learning how to let go take time too. Ah time, that four letter word.
For your information, and some encouragement, I was utterly destroyed for two months after my W left. Man, it was horrible. Detachment came around three months in. I awoke from a horrible hellfire nightmare of W’s eternal damnation. Right then, at 2:00 am, in complete darkness, I got out of bed, fell to my knees, and gave her to God. I cannot control her. I cannot fix her. (And who am I to say she needs fixing.)
That night was miraculous. In a most human hubris I prayed and begged God to forgive my wife. Imagine that. Me, a wee mortal begging the almighty to forgive her. And in that, I realized I had.
Much awoke that night. Let go or be dragged. Be better not bitter. Compassion and understanding. No manipulation of her path. And so on. One of the pivotal moments of my journey. That was the last bad night sleep I had.
Stay strong. You were forced upon a path not of your choice. And you’re doing fine.
D
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
