Nothing will ever tell me what really happened, but it does seem to me she did everything for her kids. Our counseling was terrible, short lived, IC and MC. Hawaii was a sexless, or very low sex marriage. She thought I was low T. Reality was I was not sexuality excited by her. Before we were married she did all the stuff you normally do, look good for your person you are trying to attract. After we got to Hawaii, she rarely did anything to make herself attractive. And when we did finally get to do something, it was only after the kids were asleep, door locked to room, windows shut and we had to be quiet. Didnt want the kids to hear us.. Whenever I tried to get frisky or spontaneous, I was shut down. We never even drank to get a little loose. Too worried about the kids. So, I wondered to online relief, via videos, and eventually reached out to escorts. I never did follow through, as the guilt factor kicked in real hard. And by shear stupidity I signed up for Ashley Madison and canceled same day. She found the charge. I could never tell my wife she wasnt attractive to me.. I felt that was a horrible thing to do. So, that is the main reason she cant forgive me, was looking elsewhere for relief. It looked horrible, far worse than true ea/pa. I never cheated on her. The other main issue was constant fighting with my oldest step daughter. It caused allot of problems, anger issues etc. I went to counseling for that, and again, did nothing to show me how to work through this. SD never went to counseling. So, when I returned from Hawaii, wife was already having an EA ( sort of ) with mail orbiter who was her friend from HS.. I think he influenced her to stay for the kids, its a gut feeling. So, from 2012 to 2018 she powered through on and off, to keep the kids in a stable home, and finally get the youngest through HS. Got her Masters, a new career, perfect for someone needing positive attention ( realtor) Then poof, gone. Moved out, finally bought a home. Writing was on the wall, but she was keeping me as a friend, not a husband at all. But, I was suckered into thinking she needed time to heal and such. I feel I was played a fool for my issues from many years ago we never truly addressed. I did say she said we could have changed course if I had just admitted to all of that. I did, but not good enough apparently. She just didnt trust me.. So, here I am, regretting everything and feel used, very used. The only positive is my Daughters love me fiercely , according to ex, MIL ( RIP) and FIL.
