My kids were embroiled into my situation right from bomb drop. D15, S17, S19, S21 (ages at BD) were at the table when Mom pulled the pin and toss the grenade into the middle of Thanksgiving Supper.
A few days later, W dropped by in the morning to discuss “her” speedy divorce plans. It was then, at 9:30 am, that she let me and my son know that she consummated her affair and we could get divorced. In my locale, there is a one year cooldown period, unless there is physical abuse, emotional abuse, or adultery.
Adultery is difficult to prove and win in litigation, and therefore that charge seldom is ever brought forth or convicted upon. However, W wanted it, and demanded she be charged. In fact, she included that demand in her draft of the separation agreement, stating the legal statute, and wanted to plead guilty. She did not want the one year cooldown period. Turns out she had no plans to marry OM, and still hasn’t. She actually has stated to the kids’ questioning of her regarding that - “Are you crazy? I’m not going to marry him.” That was right in front of OM.
We were legally separated in 60 days from BD. And W had 30 days of light duties during this time from her vein stripping surgery, so no lawyer visits during that time. The agreement was revised only once. During the revision, I had my lawyer remove the adultery stipulation and W didn’t catch it. I didn’t want to go to court and charge her. Boy oh boy, was she mad when she found out it was removed.
Anyhow, as you can see, my kids were front row. And in truth, they got the brunt of Mom’s anger. She saw her fifteen year old daughter as a rival. She unloaded such ferocity at S17. See tossed them aside with her Thanksgiving speech: “DnJ, you get the house, the cars, and the kids. Unless you don’t want them, then I guess I’ll have to take them.” Aghast doesn’t quite do it justice; what all eight of us felt. Me, my parents, and kids were all dumbfounded.
I talked to my kids lots! I answered any and all their questions. They have questions, and they will get answers. If not from you, they from who or where? Or they will just make up an answer. Out of the options, you are the best one. So be their best option. Always.
I was factual. And did not demonized their Mom.
Remember, kids are half of each parent. They already question their half of the genes and if they are somehow destined for a similar path. My kids did. Remind them, they are half of you too. And they have choice.
Our job is not to facilitate the relationship between the other parent and kid(s); our job is to not destroy it.
Your query asks “how” and not what to tell your kids. I find that wise.
Speak to them clearly, openly, sincerely, and above all - honestly.
If you cannot speak about something that day. Tell them. Look, I am sorry, I just cannot talk about that right now. Let’s speak tomorrow. (And ensure you do!)
I found gentle steering worked well. My kids were pretty much adults. Telling them what to do stopped working years ago. I gently steered towards understanding, forgiveness, etc.
Kids want to, and will, emulate and follow a good lead. (After the obligatory rebellious stage. )
My case was rather extreme with their Mom leading a path that none of them would ever want their partner/spouse doing to them. There were so many conversation over the years. You got to keep your ego out of it, and stick to the facts.
Lots of empathy towards the kids’ feelings too. That’s a difficult thing when you are run through the wringer yourself. Letting them lead the conversation will bring up the pertinent items which need to be discussed. There really is not much prompting once things get rolling along.
Ha, I was just remembering having the sex and birth control talk with my daughter. LOL. I had her sit on the opposite end of the couch. I said, “this is embarrassing. You look that way (away from me) and I’ll look this way (away from her)”. I then made the show of taking a deep breath and purposely blurted out “I want to talk about dating and boinking and birth control.”
We both laughed. It was a perfect ice breaker. We had several good conversations. I authorized the underage prescription for the pill. Daughter was unlikely to bring that request up to me, and we certainly didn’t need any unplanned pregnancy.
Such is this situation you are in. Embarrassing, hurtful, grief-ridden, etc. And uplifting, hopeful, forgiving, better not bitter, compassion, and such. Believe me, you have an incredible influence upon your children. Utilize it well, and steer gently.
The biggest thing is talking about it. Anything buried alive will come back to haunt later in life.
Well, a little more than I set out to type. Hope it helps.
D
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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