What if anything do I say preemptively to her. I am glad I decided not to send the ultimatum message to her (thanks mates), but something I have been considering is defining a timeline either for me or with W of working on reconciling or not.
Unless it's a strong statement best to say nothing.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I have read that you can be wise to define a timeline for a trial separation of 3 to 6 months and to come up with agreements for the trial separation.
You read wrong. WWs do not follow any agreements so a waste of time.
Originally Posted by Rockon
What has been happening in our R though is nothing like that. W pulled all the strings and moved the yardsticks and changed the terms randomly and I’ve been working to take my power back. I’ve got a ways to go on that.
The person who cares least calls all the shots in the relationship.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I am struggling with the concepts of DB, LRT, Having firm boundaries with consequences and wanting to save the marriage still.
What are you struggling with?
Originally Posted by Rockon
So let’s imagine that I follow through with logical fitting consequences for my own well being following W’s trip. A need that I have is to be respected. For me to be in a marriage relationship, I have a firm boundary that I don’t have a relationship with my W if she commits adultery and is not repentant. What do I say if she reaches out to me and wants to talk?
Well what is her consequence and it better be a big one?
Originally Posted by Rockon
It seems it’s time for me to do a 180 by not trying to “nice” her back.
You can't nice a WW back. Never has worked and NEVER will.
Originally Posted by Rockon
And that is important for my recovery and self respect. A consequence could be that W doesn’t experience me as “nice” but rather strong and principled. That would be consistent with my core values and not meant to be punishment ti hurt her.
So you are saying you are going to be a dick? Do you think that will work?
Originally Posted by Rockon
And then I move on and further detach.
You can't just detach. It doesn't work that way.
Originally Posted by Rockon
As I write this, I recognize I am still very much processing so much deep hurt. And so I am trying to see more clearly but it’s hard.
It's the desperation that you spoke about earlier. You are trying hold on to something that is already gone and is an awful feeling. You are going to have to find a way through it.
