The last couple of days have been weird and I’m still struggling with which decisions to make on a few things. I found out that W has in fact told all of her family about our separation, which is fine but adds some awkwardness things. She has also talked with a friend who filed for divorce by having her and her husband fill out the paperwork and just having a L review everything at the end to save money. W said she intends to do the same thing eventually, which will only cause problems if we can’t agree on the big items. I don’t think she has a clue how much child support and alimony she is entitled to per the L’s I talked to. They didn’t give $ amounts, but said she would be better off than me. If we work through things without her getting a L, do I even bring this up, or just let her sift through it on her own and only fight it if I don’t like the results? Do I just try to avoid any talk about D altogether? Previous conversations seemed like she was just venting and would move on the next day. Her words the past few days seem like actual plans. Maybe I just need to give it some time and try not to react too much in either direction, as her current plan extends out until June when D18 graduates. A lot can and likely will change by then. But for the first time it feels like D is inevitable.
I got roped into a discussion about D plans when I told W that we need to split our bills for next month. L told me to divide the bills before I split our accounts so I don’t get stuck paying for everything myself without having access to the other acct if W doesn’t agree, which makes sense. W resisted at first because she needs to “save money so she can move out”, which she has said for 2 months without saving a penny. Yesterday she said she’d be willing to pay some of them. I’m going to plan it out tonight and go over it with her tomorrow.
W’s biggest concern right now is making sure we don’t mess up D18’s senior year of high school so she wants us to work together, even if that means her moving downstairs until D18 is done with school. I’m still not sure how to handle this situation. She suggests things but doesn’t actually do them. Is the cake eating until I make a decision so she can paint me as the bad guy? I know you guys have given advice here, but do I just basically kick her out of the room? If she asks why, do I mention her texting OM all day? (No, because I’m not supposed to talk about OM) Or do I just say that separated people don’t sleep in the same bed? Do I just ignore it and let things play out until our eventual D? I’d rather be the decision maker than the person waiting to see what happens, but it still feels like the wrong move either way.
I’ve been trying to balance being friendly with being distant lately. W has gotten mad at me for lack of communication and ignoring her, which is probably justified. I read in a post here that if you are ignoring, you are doing things wrong. I’m by no means wanting to nice her back, as I know that doesn’t work, but it feels like there’s something to be said for at least enjoying your time around each other before it’s gone. I don’t want to be in the friend zone, but it also feels weird having such minimal communication and it has led to some confusion/frustration over daily plans. I don’t know. I think I may have pivoted a little too far toward ignoring and may need to shift a little more toward aloof yet available, while being conscious of my boundaries of not doing things for her. Just being friendly and validating her feelings. Or maybe I was doing things right and I should continue with that. It’s a tough line to walk.
My wife’s cousin reached out to me to offer support and asked me to join them at the pumpkin patch this weekend. I decided that I will go. I look forward to it every year. She has been pretty much the only constant support for me, W and the kids through our entire relationship, even though she lives 3 hours away. I’ve been closer to her family than my own. It feels like the right decision.
On a good note, W reverted back to not taking care of D4, so my concerns about her trying to keep me from her thankfully only lasted 2 days. And I am on to a new book “Codependent No More.” I’ve gotten good info from each book I’ve read. Hopefully this one does as well. Also, I PR’d a 5k last night and I’m 5 pounds from my weight goal. Longer post than I intended. I hope everyone is doing well.
