Then last night, she was at the supermarket. She asked if there was anything I needed. i said just a box of the protein cookies (that she eats too). She gets home and I forgot how we got on the subject but started to talk about food bills.
You don't remember who brought it up--okay.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
She said your cookies are expensive $18 and she isn't buying them next time. If I want them for me to buy them myself. That really bothered me.
I get her refusing to buy one of your fave foods to cut costs would be frustrating. I love cherry tomatoes and I'd be hurt if that's the first thing my partner cut from our food budget.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
So, very calmly I said is that really nice to say?
Wolf, how do I say this? Your communication style is patronizing. You're not her daddy and have no authority to judge the rightness of her behavior, so don't try to "correct" her like a child. Instead of masking your emotions ("That really bothered me--very calmly I said"), try straight up expressing how her behavior made you feel. "I feel hurt that you want to cut out my fave food." This isn't PC-speak, it's a remarkable shift, expressing how her actions make you feel rather than judging the rightness of her actions. Most of us grew up talking like you do, Wolf, so I can relate. It was a journey to learn to lead with, "I feel.." Show some of that hurt, maybe subduing them one level to start e.g. "Really bothered" -> "Bothered".
Originally Posted by Wolfman
She then jumped in and said, you know I only get a certain amount on food stamps. I said I understand I was only asking for one thing.
"I understand.. (but).. only.." It sounds like you do not understand and you showed that by minimizing her concerns. If you don't understand, ask curious questions to clarify. "Thanks for making room for them today. It means alot to me! I get our food budget is tight. Is there something else we can trim to fit this in as a regular thing? Those cookies are overpriced but so good, a guilty pleasure after my double shifts and you seem to like them, too."
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I asked how would you feel if you asked for a certain food and said, use your money? She just stared at me. I said that wouldn't make you feel good.
You conclude your lesson by telling her how she feels / would feel.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Thats how you made me feel.
Finally! Lead with that next time. Although, maybe "I feel X when you do Y" instead of "You make me feel X"--taking back some control over your own emotional state.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I said that is how you show someone love?
The lesson wasn't done yet.
---
I know I side-stepped your difference of opinion--whether your budget has enough money to afford protein cookies. That's the easy part--it costs $18 to solve. The cost of this exchange on your feelings and her feeling was higher. Maybe a therapy session or dinner out! I hope you can begin IC on your right-fighting soon. It pervades so much of your life, Wolf. It's a shame because you are also a guy who cares and is trying really hard to make things work. I bet she sees that side of you too, and it's partly why she hasn't run off and demanded her share of alimony/child support. Keep working at it!
