Wolfman moving forward 4

[Wolfman]

LH I think I am doing the best that I can. I think her expectations are unrealistic. As far as the baby thing, i love having a baby. This time I just feel more relaxed with him and really enjoying every second I get with the little man. He just started walking so the real fun has begun.

Traveler I was not aware of the different ways a therapist can treat their patients. I am definitely learning with the therapist we are seeing. So far she seems really good. Let me also clarify something. The therapist telling gf to go to dinner, she was telling gf to go for herself. That she needs breaks in life. It really has nothing to do with siding with me. I even told gf, if she has too much to do, it’s fine we don’t have to go. The therapist really recommended that we go.

BL I do feel like I am doing 110%. One of the issues is she doesn’t believe in putting the baby in the play pen, even if it’s just 15 minutes to get some of her stuff done. When gf works on occasion, I put the little guy in there to clean up dishes and unload dishwasher and straighten up the kitchen a little. But she refuses to do that. She said she feels bad about putting him in there. The play pen teaches the baby independence, how to play, creativity. I just want to be clear, I am not recommending the baby be in there for 30 minutes or more. But 10 minutes her or there is good for him. Yet she won’t. Then complains she has no time to get things done. When I am home she does not come home to a mess, at all.

Maybe you’re misinterpreting her struggles as something you must fix.

You think you need to do more dishes, more feeding, more cleaning, more organising to make her life easier and easier. You keep doing more and more, and she still seems unhappy.

Maybe the problem here is that you are trying to fix. Maybe she is just struggling and wants someone to understand.

Perhaps if you come home and she says there’s too many dishes, or she needs to study, or she doesn’t have enough time, you could just listen.

“That sounds really tough.”
“I can’t imagine how hard it is for you trying to study and be a full time Mum.”
“You must be exhausted.”
“At least I get to go to work out of the house. You must feel trapped here - it’s either studying or being Mum 24/7.”
“Part of you must desperately need a break.”

She wants her struggles to be heard and seen by you, not fixed. The evidence is right in front of you - because you keep doing more, but she’s still no happier.

Don’t use phrases like:
“Well I can do more dishes”
“Why don’t we get a cleaner”
“Perhaps you should defer your study until baby is older”
“If we just do x, then y should be easier”
“Why don’t you…”

Men are amazing because we fix. We are also absolutely terrible, because all we do is try to fix. She just wants to be heard.

She does say things like she feels trapped in the house. Also, at least I get to go to work and socialize with other adults. Just so you know, I do tell her it must be difficult studying and taking care of the baby. I say to her, you must be so tired trying to do both. So I try and do both, understand and help. But it’s not enough. She wants more and more and more. Honestly it’s starting to feel what I experienced in my marriage. My ex kept complaining she needs help. Before we got divorced, I was taking care of all the bills, cleaning, food shopping, picking kids up from school, helping them with their homework, lawn, pool, cars. She just had to keep track of the kids schedules and when I put my foot down finally, and said I need help, can you just keep track of their schedules, it became I don’t care about the kids. This is where I can use some advice. How do I say enough is enough without this turning into a fight? I don’t want to argue but in the same respect I need help. Now I am doing most of the cooking, when gf use to do all of it. I help with everything. I need help financially and a situation came up I would like to share. I create a separate post for what happened yesterday.