This is not a WAS situation. This is completely different. If he wants to convince her he’s serious and committed and actually interested in having a child with her, he needs to pursue. She’ll be testing him to see if he’s genuine or of this is just because he’s lonely at the moment.
That's the dilemma I wrestle with internally. She didn't respond to my text, so I feel like I need to go no contact, but I also think that if I don't continue to pursue, it maybe (in her mind) confirms her assumption that my decision was made in a moment of loneliness.
Right now, I'm leaning towards going no contact for at least the next few days. To LH's point, there is a balance of reiterating my stance vs coming across as a stalker who refuses to accept no for an answer. If I reach back out in a few days, I'm not sure what I would even say. She's super emotional and always expected grand gestures, so I wonder if this is a test. She's a polite, do the right thing southern girl, so seems so out of place for her not to respond to such a simple text without some reasoning behind it (either moving on or needing time to think).
It’s amazing the power of logic goes out the window in these situations. You have a bunch of guys who have studied relationships and attraction for several years saying you need to let her be and come to you and you have an older woman who likes to be pursued and you are leaning towards her advice. This is all because your brain is telling you to pursue.
This is very basic attraction stuff. If she wants to be in your life she will make it easy for you.
When do decide to reach out again come here first and get advice on the LAST text you will ever send without a response.
It’s amazing the power of logic goes out the window in these situations. You have a bunch of guys who have studied relationships and attraction for several years saying you need to let her be and come to you and you have an older woman who likes to be pursued and you are leaning towards her advice. This is all because your brain is telling you to pursue.
In my last post, I said I was planning on going NC. Trust me, I've been here before and was too foolish to follow advise because 'I know my W better than you', I was too afraid to lose her, she would never do that to me, etc. However, I think you could argue that this situation is somewhat opposite- I've become the WAS who's coming back to LBS to say I want back in the R, but she doesn't believe my change. In that case, I have a feeling that the advise here would be that I have to prove I'm serious, willing to do whatever it takes, etc. I was essentially NC before I reached out to her with my change of heart weeks ago only to find out she had been dating.
Again, I'm planning on NC (at least for now), but just trying to explain how I understand both approaches. And it's not lost on me that it's most likely over and I'll need to move on.
The thing is you can’t prove yourself to someone without getting your foot in the door. You can’t get your foot in the door unless she open the door even a crack. You stated your case to her that you made a mistake and that’s all you can do. If she has even an inkling of hope or interest in you she will reach out again. That’s when you set a date. If she declines you move on again. Every single girl I have ever dated and have broken up with not matter whose idea has reached out again accept for one.
However, I think you could argue that this situation is somewhat opposite- I've become the WAS who's coming back to LBS to say I want back in the R, but she doesn't believe my change. In that case, I have a feeling that the advise here would be that I have to prove I'm serious, willing to do whatever it takes, etc.
My point exactly.
And as for my being an "older woman who likes to be pursued" - first of all, I probably have more dating and relationship experience than any of you - with age comes wisdom! And as for liking to be pursued - my history is more of being the pursuer - often to my detriment. I'm only learning now to let guys pursue me (or, rather, to give the ones who pursue me a chance).
My best advise for you is to listen to LH19 (not the sarcastic comments). He knows what he is talking about.
Originally Posted by Tarheel
I want her back. I struggle with 2 approaches:
1) She now knows how I feel. That I've changed my view on kids and want them with her. She took a week to think about it and replied no. Maybe just going silent and giving her more time to think is the way to go. If she wants to move forward with that scenario, she'll reach out to let me know.
2) Now that she knows how I feel, I should continue to communicate with her to show her my intentions are real and not made in a moment of loneliness. Reach out occasionally with small talk in hopes that she eventually can't envision a future without me.
Approach 1 is what my gut says
Number 1.
Reaching out with "small talk" will get you (I mean keep you) into friend zone.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
'I'm sorry I haven't responded. I was sick all day Friday and pushed myself through the day. Went home and took a COVID test and it was positive. Thought I had the flu, so felt bad about the exposure. Anyway, it's been awful and totally different this time. Finally feeling back to myself. The parade was a huge success. Biggest turn out yet. Thank you for asking! Hope the job is going well!'
I won’t comment on the kid thing because it’s a whole another ball of wax.
“I’m sorry you got Covid again and I am glad you are feeling back to yourself. Its great to hear the parade was a huge success and you had your biggest turnout yet! I appreciate you asking about my job which is going really well right now, I’m working on project X. When you’re schedule is free I would love to get together and catch up. Let me know your availability”.
Tarheel
Ball is in her court. Can help further once you receive a response.
