Not many things more difficult in life than to be left behind as your wife goes on a trip with another man. It's completely understandable you're spinning right now. I remember post-BD / IHS knowing W had to "work early" or "work late" knowing for a fact what she was doing. Don't feel bad about being sad, depressed, not having the energy to power though...etc. You're right where so many of us where ourselves. We know what you're going through.
That said...the faster you can "flip the power", get strong not weak, and change into an "FU mindset" the better. Good times are ahead, trust me. The quicker you can get there the better you'll be feeling. And perhaps she'll start wondering what she's losing.
Good for you for not sending the letter. Good for you for not reaching out to W. Now...what ARE you planning to do? Whatever it is, let it be out of strength. YOU are the prize; SHE is going to regret losing YOU.
Hang in there. You will get through this. And we'll do what we can to help.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Rockon, I and tell you that you are very fortunate to be on this forum. The advice you are getting is tested and time proven.. I wish I had this forum years ago.. My Ex did pretty much all of the things in here recommended, and it worked on me. Now, once i woke up, I am implementing things on here. My advice is nothing compared to what others have stated. Just keep doing what you are doing, and all will be well... She made her decisions, lied, cheated and if let back in, she knows she can do it again.. Thats my harsh feelings but I do believe it. You have been improving yourself, that is critical to your self being, and for your kids. She is the one making her decisions, she is in control of them.. I wish you the best and will continue to follow this thread..
BTW,, I am far behind where you are as I took way to long to move on, gal etc.. But, with this forum and members here I will succeed also..
LH is asking very pertinent questions which are actually at the crux of your pain.
I think you not only need to ask these questions, but you need to explore them with a counsellor.
For me, my fears were: a) what would happen to my children, how their short and long term futures would be effected b) would I be okay on my own c) fear of the unknown
These are the fears that keep you trapped. Your current trap is that your brain knows logically that the best way forward is to walk away happily from her - but your emotions and uncertainty and fears like a) b) c) above can control your brain and you end up making emotive, not intelligent decisions.
The reason that some days you are fine and other days you crumble - is because of the power struggle between intellectual reasoning and emotional parts of your brain. They are fighting it out, and so you wobble between two extremes.
Getting to the bottom of your fears allows your intellectual brain to slowly retain control in preference to your emotions.
I’m my situation, all three were things I shouldn’t have worried about. a) Kids are MUCH more resilient than we think, and much more resilient than adults. Adults like routine and structure and repetition, and struggle without it. A child psychologist told me “you underestimate your kids ability to understand what has happened, and their ability to adapt, and their unconditional love.” Looking back, she was 100% right. My kids haven’t been stunted by divorce - they’ve thrived. b) I was okay on my own before I got married, why the hell wouldn’t I be okay on my own after? Also, you’re not on your own with your kids, family, and friends, and work colleagues - in all those facets of life you will be the same with people around you. It’s only in the relationship part of your life that you will be on your own - and most likely not forever anyway. c) Everything in life is unknown the first time. Unknown can be good. Uncomfortable can create growth. People who are comfortable and know everything, eventually become very boring and sad people. Would Nelson Mandela have become one of the world’s most incredible human beings had he not had to face adversity?
You are in what many will describe as the toughest time of your life Rockon. Trust me when I say it’s only temporary, and that one day, you may look back on your separation and reconciliation or acrimonious divorce as one of the best things that could have happened in your life.
I certainly do.
Please don’t reach out to her. You will absolutely regret it.
“ LH is asking very pertinent questions which are actually at the crux of your pain.
I think you not only need to ask these questions, but you need to explore them with a counsellor.
For me, my fears were: a) what would happen to my children, how their short and long term futures would be effected b) would I be okay on my own c) fear of the unknown
These are the fears that keep you trapped. Your current trap is that your brain knows logically that the best way forward is to walk away happily from her - but your emotions and uncertainty and fears like a) b) c) above can control your brain and you end up making emotive, not intelligent decisions”
I will keep exploring digging and reflecting and discuss with C
We've all felt discarded, betrayed, and abandoned. It's to be expected under the circumstances. The feeling eases with time. Keep working on yourself as much as you. It pays off. But it takes time. It all takes time.
Doing better this morning than yesterday. Big cry in the middle of the night
I always feel better after a good cry. Emotional release is good for you. Keep doing it when it is safe.
Originally Posted by Kind18
Your two options are: 1. Completely ignore her trip and have a great time on your own 2. Move her stuff out and get your lawyer to send a letter
Of those two options, number 2 is much more likely to result in a reconciled marriage. But very few - if any - who are new to this site have the conviction to do it.
Reach in your W's purse and take your balls back. Pick #2. You will not regret it.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
