We went out on a date night 2 nights ago and it was great.
That's great you took her on a date. Encore! Encore! This is the kind of thing that if you keep doing it consistently could have a majorly positive impact on your relationship. Props for taking that step.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
There was no guidance to the ones I went to, just listening and asking more questions. I am the type when I am struggling or having a hard time with something I want guidance or direction
You can ask for this when hiring therapists. A behavioral therapist won't focus on why you smoke or drink, they'll focus on homework to get you to stop. A talk therapist would focus on the depression causing you to indulge in self-destructive behaviors. Some therapists do both simultaneously. You can ask what methods a therapist can offer and register your preference when hiring them. "Hi Therapist, I right-fight, and while I'd like to talk about why and address the underlying issue, I'd definitely like some immediate behavioral feedback to improve my relationships. Do you do behavioral therapy?" If you get halfway through the session and haven't gotten any behavioral guidance or homework, "When do we get to the behavioral guidance or homework?" When you're ready for individual therapy to resolve that, it's there waiting for you.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
GF was feeling stressed (she is getting a new degree and taking classes online) feeling the crunch between school work, house work and the baby. She was hesitant about doing the date night because she has so much school work to do. Therapist told her this is something she needs to do.
She told the therapist on wednesday I help her so much, but then tells me I need to give her more time. Any suggestions how to approach this?
I'm wary that your therapist told your GF what she *needs* to do. A licensed therapist shouldn't be taking sides that you're "right" she should go and she's "wrong" for prioritizing studying. Therapists might say that it's helpful for our sanity to take breaks from responsibilities and ask how important studying that day was. If they truly sided with you, I'd ask your GF how she feels about them taking sides. You'll make better progress if both of you feel safe and heard. This could be why she's raising some issue to you but not with this other person (licensed therapist?!) where she may feel ganged up on. You also described what mode of therapy works for you. Have you asked your girlfriend if this mode of therapy works for her?
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I get home from work, the home is a disaster. Stuff everywhere, sink is full, baby dishes not cleaned, dishwasher still full, food all over the counters.
It sounds like you expect her to watch the baby, study, and do housework. Have you done that exercise where you each, separately write out your expectations for yourselves and each other and then share them with curiosity?
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Just giving you all a time line of yesterday. woke up at 4:30am..
I get it! You feel a certain way and here's your schedule to prove you right. If you're seeking to LISTEN first, ask her to share her schedule from a day this next week when she feels overwhelmed. Try to understand why she feels overwhelmed. If you can't understand, ask questions. One thing that happens when you work together is you may discover you're doing A, B, C, D, and E for her but she only cares about A and B and would really love if you did F. A great partnership isn't about doing more. It's about focusing the time you do spend on what each other needs to be happiest.
From a time management perspective, I question your 3-5pm stop at home to make dinner just for her. Your gym time could've been shifted to 3-5pm if that were advantageous. I try to chain all my OUT tasks together for fewer trips out. Would a $4 meal she heated up in the microwave/oven have been almost as good for her--saving time, gas money, and food costs? Those wouldn't take as long or leave the dirty dishes that bothered her. I tend to cook "fancy" meals on weekends when I have more time. Would she have preferred no mess plus you spending half your extra time with baby?
Wolf, you both do a lot! Instead of a "Could I do more--NO!" narrative, shift to a "What could I do differently next time?" narrative so you meet your/her needs better and are happier!
