I’ve got 2 L consultations scheduled for next Monday. And I’ve kept a record of each day since it was recommended here and I did describe the text message/”argument” situation in detail. That was really eye opening for me. The language seemed calculated. I never yelled/touched/or came within a few feet of her and left when asked. Trying to validate her feelings made it look even worse. Live and learn I guess.
When W got home from work yesterday, she informed me that she will be buying a bed and moving downstairs rather than moving into her friend’s house. She told D18 that it is because she cannot leave her kids. She also stated that she will be getting help from her friend to start the legal separation process while we figure out what to do with the house.
Then she started in with her tornado of thoughts/feelings/accusations – She was ready to move on when we came back from out of state but only stayed because I asked and she puts my needs above hers, because she stayed she is in a much worse mental state and she should have left earlier, she didn’t do anything wrong, I’m mentally abusive, if I wanted to stay with her I should have shown more sympathy, she cried then flipped to angry on a dime, etc. I mostly stayed quiet. She tried taking the conversation in directions I refused to go, so I told her this was not an appropriate time to discuss these things. She basically did all of the things I’ve learned here to expect from her. I did not escalate anything and barely engaged.
As Kind18 suggested, I asked myself why I want to be with W.
#1 is to ensure D4 lives the best life possible. That is literally the exact reason we chose to adopt – to give a child the best life possible. That is the single hardest part of this situation for me.
#2 is because I know W will need someone around her who actually understands her situation (past/present) to help her if she ever moves on from whatever is going on in her head right now. I am confident that her circle of friends/family/AP are incapable of that. I am being fired from that job right now and it is entirely out of my control if I get rehired. I may not even want that job in the future. I don’t even know if I want it today. But I know I will be hurt if she hits rock bottom and has nowhere else to turn. Maybe this is attachment still. I'm not sure. It'll be hard to stop caring about someone though, especially after 22 years.
I feel weirdly comfortable with everything right now. I have a tendency to overreact to or overanalyze individual things, but yesterday was the first time I think I truly thought about things from the perspective of a separated couple rather than a man trying to save his marriage. I reread my whole thread and you guys have been great with the help. It’s time to take your advice and start posting about my attempts at GAL and what’s going on with me. I’ll ask for guidance as needed, but I feel like you guys have me on the right path. Thanks!
